Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new prescription the other day. I guess his doctor told him not to operate heavy machinery while he’s taking it. I can’t say Karl’s feeling any better yet. But he is saving a lot of money without his appliances.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the only reason the escalator was invented is because some guy was a helluva lazy bastard.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many marching bands have had to turn down new members because they don’t have legs.

Thought of the Day

I never had a visit from the Tooth Fairy when I was growing up. So I’d always check the paper to see if any strange women were arrested for trying to break into children’s bedrooms.

Thought of the Day

I think a hockey rink is the only place in the world where you can hit someone over the head with a stick and not get lawyers involved.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what Tarzan does when he’s out in the jungle and can’t find a decent peppermint latte.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody and his brother has a golden retriever. But when I was growing up, we had a bronze retriever. He was just like a golden retriever except he always came in third place.

Thought of the Day

I went and bought myself one of those robot vacuum cleaners that roll around and clean your floor. But I finally had to get rid of the thing. It tried to get my appliances to go on strike.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or is “pony express” an oxymoron?

Thought of the Day

Here’s something you probably didn’t know… I was reading that squirrels don’t hide their nuts so they’ll have food stored away for the winter. They actually hide their nuts so they won’t have to claim them on their income tax.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why police officers insist on making impaired drivers walk a straight line. I think if they really want to test their cognitive skills, they should put them on Jeopardy.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, there’s no use throwing a boomerang in the garbage. It’s only going to come back again.

Thought of the Day

I had a terrible shock the other day. I got home and discovered that my dog had killed my pet fish. Apparently they’d got into a heated argument over who was man’s best friend.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about taking a night course in basket weaving once. But then I thought – why don’t I just buy a basket?

Thought of the Day

Back in university, there was this hot French girl in my math class who was popular with all the guys on campus. You could tell she was French because she was always getting invaded by the Germans.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is George Foreman, and you’re feeling a little embarrassed about naming all your five boys “George,” I wouldn’t get too worried about it. During your 30-year boxing career, you took a lot of shots to the head. People will understand.

Thought of the Day

How come every time someone falls in quicksand in the movies, they always die so slowly?

Thought of the Day

I went to a window shopping mall the other day. It’s just like a regular shopping mall, except it keeps going out of business.

Thought of the Day

When it’s really nice out, my sister likes to drive with her top down. I guess that’s why she’s always getting arrested.

Thought of the Day

I went and enrolled my dog in a new obedience course. And it’s really going well! In just two weeks, he’s learned how to sit up, roll over, and stay married to Jennifer Lopez.