Thought of the Day

They say that George Washington used to wear a pair of false teeth made out of wood. I wonder if he ever tried cleaning them with Lemon Pledge.

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Shirl got arrested once trying to cross the border into Mexico. I guess the customs officials caught her trying to conceal the bags under her eyes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why I have to buy a fishing license. It’s not like I’m going to drive a carp around the block or anything.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Paul Stanley – the lead singer of KISS – and you’ve been born with only one ear, I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. Just think of all the money you’ve saved on earmuffs.

Thought of the Day

Some people wonder why George Lucas finally sold the Star Wars franchise. If you ask me, I would’ve sold it too if I had fans camping on my front lawn dressed as Princess Leia.

Thought of the Day

I tried working at a trailer park one summer – but quit after a few weeks. I just couldn’t handle all those “Coming Soons."

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if you should call the authorities if you’ve lost your inner child.

Thought of the Day

I think if Abraham Lincoln were still alive today, he’d have a hard time trying to get his own sitcom.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading that a 92-year-old couple in New Haven, Connecticut decided to get a divorce after nearly 75 years of marriage. I guess they were going to get a divorce much sooner but they wanted to wait until their children were dead.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Sid went to the doctor’s one time, and the doctor told him that he needed to get more iron. I guess that’s about the time my uncle started investing in steam shovels.

Thought of the Day

If you were a cannibal, and you got stranded on a deserted island, I wonder how long it would take before you started eating yourself.

Thought of the Day

I think it’s sad when trees start to lose all their leaves in the fall. I wonder if they’ve ever considered using Rogaine.

Thought of the Day

My neighbour’s been having a lot of trouble with raccoons over at his place. They’re not getting into his garbage or anything. They just won’t stop making all those long distance phone calls.

Thought of the Day

 I joined a debating society once but we could never agree on a place to meet.

Thought of the Day

A woman in Wisconsin was sentenced to life in prison for beating her husband to death with a frozen leg of lamb. If you ask me, she should’ve just given him the cold shoulder.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I ran into an old friend coming out of the doctor’s office. I asked him how he was doing. “Oh, fine,” he said. “Been having a little trouble with my short term memory though.” “That’s too bad,” I said. “What did the doctor say?” “He said, 'Something something, something something something.'”

Thought of the Day

I went for a haircut the other day, and my barber told me he’d just upped his prices. Normally, I would’ve complained. But I wasn’t about to argue with a guy carrying a pair of scissors.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four decided to call himself “Mr. Fantastic.” It sounds a lot cooler than “Big Long Stretchy Guy.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I was a magician’s assistant, and he was going to saw me in half, I’d want to see some credentials first.

Thought of the Day

My mother gave me a lot of good advice growing up. She told me to eat all my vegetables and always look both ways before I cross the street. But then, she also told me to bow down and worship Shirpa from the Planet Zarcon.