Thought of the Day

I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it back. The snoring kept me awake all night.

Thought of the Day

I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.

Thought of the Day

The world’s shortest review of Peter Gabriel’s album So: So what?

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a great white shark ate 17 Chinese swimmers near the seaside resort town of Sanya the other day. Apparently, he wasn’t going to attack them all. But the shark ate one and he was still hungry.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many chickens out there are missing fingers.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to hold up a bank is to lift with your legs.

Thought of the Day

 If you ask me, you’re not going to get a straight answer.

Thought of the Day

Plastic pollution is becoming a huge problem these days. I was reading that over 350 million tonnes of plastic is released into the environment every year. And two thirds of that is just Reba McEntire.

Elbows Up, Canada

Thought of the Day

People always say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings.” I can’t get behind that. That’s like saying, “If man were meant to drive, he’d have been born with keys.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the average NFL player is paid over $3.2-million a year to play professional football. And I can understand why. I’d ask for a pile of money too if I was going to end up getting brain damage.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the “Rocky Mountains” just wanted to go home early that day.

Thought of the Day

My neighbour warned me there’s a pack of wild dogs hanging around the neighbourhood – but I’m not worried. I hear the only thing they’ve been doing is staying up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is The Human Cannonball, and it’s your job to get shot out of a cannon, make sure you don’t get into a serious accident. You might have to change your name to The Barely Human Cannonball.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I’d rather have a five-leaf clover than a four-leaf clover. If I had a five-leaf clover, I could always sell it on eBay.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if hollow logs feel empty inside.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has never been great when it comes to remembering things. One time, his wife told him to go out and get some Oasis orange juice, and Egbert came back with Noel Gallagher.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a dog show in town the other day, and the Grand Champion was pretty incredible. Some lady from Toledo had taught her Pomeranian how to cheat on his income taxes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why people try and grow a ponytail when they don’t the first thing about horses.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I got a call from a scammer looking for money by pretending to be my grandson. So I gave him a hard time about never coming to visit me on Christmas.