Thought of the Day

I bought a pair of alligator shoes once – but they didn’t fit very well. I couldn’t understand why until I heard a knock at the door one day. It was an alligator. He said, “I think you got the box marked ‘Luis.’”

Thought of the Day

I think my dog must be part Jewish. To be honest, I’m not 100% sure. But the last time my dog ran to bite the mailman, he came back because the guy wasn’t kosher.

Thought of the Day

My accountant told me the other day I should really start cutting back on my expenses. So I fired him.

Thought of the Day

If The Incredible Hulk is so incredible then how come I’ve never seen him land a guest spot on Stephen Colbert?

Thought of the Day

My friends had a baby boy – and decided to call him “Bluetooth.” I thought that was a pretty weird idea. That is, until they showed me he was born with his own QR code.

Thought of the Day

My family went to Germany once when I was a kid. I can’t say I had a great time. It took me over three months to track them down.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is really proud of himself. He lost over 150 pounds last year. I guess it wasn’t that hard either. All he had to do was tell his girlfriend to get out.

A Christmas Interlude

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Stevie Nicks tried out as a pitcher once for the Chicago Cubs. She had a mean arm, and the team even considered giving her a contract. It’s too bad they had to let Stevie go. I guess she kept trying to snort the third base line.

Thought of the Day

I can’t understand why they don’t have a lost and found department at the casino. There must be all kinds of people there who’ve lost their shirt.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Leon. I didn’t have him for very long though. Leon kept following me around – so I finally had to get a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they don’t have elephants in the circus anymore. I’d leave too if all they paid me was peanuts.

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy a star for the top of my Christmas tree. But they were all out. So I had to settle for Kato Kaelin.

Thought of the Day

I was going to try hazel nut milk once. But I thought it was a pretty nutty idea.

Thought of the Day

They say that George Washington used to wear a pair of false teeth made out of wood. I wonder if he ever tried cleaning them with Lemon Pledge.

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Shirl got arrested once trying to cross the border into Mexico. I guess the customs officials caught her trying to conceal the bags under her eyes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why I have to buy a fishing license. It’s not like I’m going to drive a carp around the block or anything.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Paul Stanley – the lead singer of KISS – and you’ve been born with only one ear, I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. Just think of all the money you’ve saved on earmuffs.

Thought of the Day

Some people wonder why George Lucas finally sold the Star Wars franchise. If you ask me, I would’ve sold it too if I had fans camping on my front lawn dressed as Princess Leia.

Thought of the Day

I tried working at a trailer park one summer – but quit after a few weeks. I just couldn’t handle all those “Coming Soons."