Thought of the Day

I can still remember the day I took my dog in to get fixed. When I got him back in the car, the first thing he said to me was: “I’m going to get you for this.”

Thought of the Day

When Captain Kirk finished his five-year mission on Star Trek, I often wonder if he spent the next five years sending child support payments to all the aliens he’d been screwing across the galaxy.

Thought of the Day

I just read that a woman in Battle Creek, Michigan gave birth to twins recently and had the temerity to name them both "Cher." I guess the girls will have to learn how to Cher and Cher alike.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’re supposed to call a sheet of drywall when it gets wet.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I had a huge crush on Pattie Romano in the third grade. As I recall, Pattie had these long hairy arms and always brought a banana for lunch. I guess you could say she was the gorilla my dreams.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Luke Skywalker, and you’ve just discovered that Darth Vader is really your father, you might want to book another session with your analyst.

Thought of the Day

Cracker Jack is trying a little too hard to try and attract an older audience. The other day, I bought a box and the prize inside was a pack of Depends.

Thought of the Day

I think exercise would be much better for you if you didn’t have to do it in the first place.

Thought of the Day

You can tell that Spiderman must be getting ready to retire. The other day, I was watching the latest Spiderman movie, and his spider sense told him it was time to take a nap.

Thought of the Day

I think if AC/DC’s Angus Young had known he was going to end up wearing a little schoolboy’s outfit for over 50 years, he would’ve picked out something that was a little less “snuggy.”

Thought of the Day

I asked my grandmother once what she wanted for her birthday. She said she only wanted world peace. I was going to buy it for her but it would've taken forever to wrap.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who the guy was that invented instant coffee. But I often wonder if it involved using a stopwatch.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl was a crossing guard once. But it didn’t last very long. Karl got fired for trying to pawn his Stop sign.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that cows have four stomachs is in case one is closed for renovations.

Thought of the Day

If they can send a man to the moon then how come it couldn’t have been Ryan Seacrest?

Thought of the Day

I’m not sure when they first invented the saddle. But I am sure that when they first tried putting it on a horse, the horse said, “You know I bruise like a grape.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being Aquaman. Not that I have an aversion to water or anything. I just think it’d be a pain having to take all those fish hooks out of your mouth.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my parents took us up north one time to stay at a cottage. I wouldn’t say we were out in the middle of nowhere. But the nearest store was run by a pair of coyotes.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if girls ever get ticked off that they have to wear cowboy boots.

Thought of the Day

We haven’t seen our cousin Louie since we were little kids – but I guess there’s a good reason why. Cousin Louie got arrested once for trying to hijack Ethel Merman and fly her to Cuba.