Thought of the Day

I can understand why Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four decided to call himself “Mr. Fantastic.” It sounds a lot cooler than “Big Long Stretchy Guy.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I was a magician’s assistant, and he was going to saw me in half, I’d want to see some credentials first.

Thought of the Day

My mother gave me a lot of good advice growing up. She told me to eat all my vegetables and always look both ways before I cross the street. But then, she also told me to bow down and worship Shirpa from the Planet Zarcon.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Mr. Potato Head should’ve quit while he’s a head.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl tried to take a cheap flight to Bermuda once. But it didn’t turn out like he’d planned. I guess he should’ve known better when the mailman spotted his leg sticking out of the envelope.

Thought of the Day

I can still remember the day I took my dog in to get fixed. When I got him back in the car, the first thing he said to me was: “I’m going to get you for this.”

Thought of the Day

When Captain Kirk finished his five-year mission on Star Trek, I often wonder if he spent the next five years sending child support payments to all the aliens he’d been screwing across the galaxy.

Thought of the Day

I just read that a woman in Battle Creek, Michigan gave birth to twins recently and had the temerity to name them both "Cher." I guess the girls will have to learn how to Cher and Cher alike.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’re supposed to call a sheet of drywall when it gets wet.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I had a huge crush on Pattie Romano in the third grade. As I recall, Pattie had these long hairy arms and always brought a banana for lunch. I guess you could say she was the gorilla my dreams.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Luke Skywalker, and you’ve just discovered that Darth Vader is really your father, you might want to book another session with your analyst.

Thought of the Day

Cracker Jack is trying a little too hard to try and attract an older audience. The other day, I bought a box and the prize inside was a pack of Depends.

Thought of the Day

I think exercise would be much better for you if you didn’t have to do it in the first place.

Thought of the Day

You can tell that Spiderman must be getting ready to retire. The other day, I was watching the latest Spiderman movie, and his spider sense told him it was time to take a nap.

Thought of the Day

I think if AC/DC’s Angus Young had known he was going to end up wearing a little schoolboy’s outfit for over 50 years, he would’ve picked out something that was a little less “snuggy.”

Thought of the Day

I asked my grandmother once what she wanted for her birthday. She said she only wanted world peace. I was going to buy it for her but it would've taken forever to wrap.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who the guy was that invented instant coffee. But I often wonder if it involved using a stopwatch.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl was a crossing guard once. But it didn’t last very long. Karl got fired for trying to pawn his Stop sign.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that cows have four stomachs is in case one is closed for renovations.

Thought of the Day

If they can send a man to the moon then how come it couldn’t have been Ryan Seacrest?