Thought of the Day

My father never tried to spank me when I was a child. I guess it was all because I caught him sneaking around with another woman.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who wrote The Book Of Love.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I didn’t have a Mr. Potato Head – I had a Mr. Tomato Head. He was just like Mr. Potato Head except he could brighten up any sandwich. 

Thought of the Day

I told my friend Karl once that I don’t believe in ghosts because I’ve never seen one before. He said, “I’ve never seen Romania either – but it still exists.” That’s about the time I punched him in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to stay out of jail is to not get caught in the first place.

Thought of the Day

They say that no two snowflakes in the world are alike. I don’t know about you. But I want to meet the guy who measured all those snowflakes.

Thought of the Day

To me, baseball is the perfect game for people who want to play a sport but don’t really feel like moving around.

Thought of the Day

If a flying saucer suddenly landed, and two aliens got out and told me to take them to my leader, I don’t think my boss would be too happy about it.

Thought of the Day

Anyone can build a bomb that blows things apart. Now, if you could build one that puts everything together that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole MeToo thing is getting a little out of hand. Here, I’ll give you an example... The other day, I was talking to this woman, and all I said was: “That’s a pretty outfit you’re wearing.” And she just let me have it. She said, “Mind your own business, you prick. You say one more word, and you’re going to be eating your lunch through a fucking straw!” I mean, whoa… I was stunned! But what can you do? You don’t know if you’re going to get sued anymore. So I said, “Look, Mom, I’m sorry, all right?”

And Now, The Bad News...

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Darth Vader, and your voice sounds like a German Shepherd, you might want to avoid mentioning that in your online dating profile.

Thought of the Day

My sister has always been a firm believer in getting what she wants. I guess that’s why she has such a long prison record.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Santa had to pay Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer in Eveready batteries.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think we’re going to let my grandmother bake Christmas cake this year. She made a bit of a slip-up the last time. Instead of adding flour and sugar, she used pure grade heroin.

Crisis Is Averted!

After some tough negotiations over the weekend, The Scarecrow Report is pleased to announce that it has agreed to end its month-long strike and go back to work. (Man...    That Bruce Hornsby guy plays hardball!)

We have some good news to pass along – and some bad news.

The good news is The Scarecrow Report will soon be resuming its regular programming.

The bad news is we were unable to score a weekend in Tahiti with Scarlet Johannsen. Instead, we had to settle for brunch with Al Roker. Over Zoom… However, we hear the longtime NBC weatherman is quite the raconteur. So we look forward to talking about precipitation and hearing some off-colour stories about Willard Scott.

A Scarecrow Strike Update #2

With no end in sight to the three-week-old strike, The Scarecrow Report has had no choice but to bring in a professional mediator. And it has hired one of the best in the business – acclaimed singer-songwriter Bruce Hornsby.

A three-time Grammy Award winner, the best-selling pianist has over thirty years of experience in the labour relations field, having resolved work stoppages across the continental U.S. and reached negotiated agreements at such leading edge firms as Home Depot, the Ford Motor company, and Joe’s Speedy-Quick Piano Tuners.

Hornsby is expected to meet with both parties on Wednesday to discuss the current impasse, and play songs from his new album.

When reached for comment at his home in Williamsburg, Virginia, Hornsby said, “Is Don Henley going to be there? I hate that bastard Don Henley.”

A Scarecrow Strike Update

The Scarecrow Report strike has now entered its second week – and the general public (well, George, really) is demanding to know if The Scarecrow Report has finally bit the big one. Sadly, both parties remain far apart and our key demands – namely a foosball table and a weekend in Tahiti with Scarlet Johannsen – have yet to materialize.

Again, we apologize for the current lack of content. But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.

In the meantime, please enjoy this clip of a guy eating a sandwich.

 

A Very Scarecrow Announcement

In light of the current national strike going on at Canada Post, The Scarecrow Report has made the unprecedented decision to go on strike with itself.

We understand our six readers will be sorely disappointed by this news – particularly George, Yuki and Mangyanimal13, who owe us money. But we can no longer abide by The Scarecrow Report’s refusal to get a haircut and take the garbage out once in a while.

We apologize for the service interruption and look forward to processing jokes again in a timely manner. Please stay tuned.

And yes, George, Yuki and Mangyanimal13 – you still owe us money.

Thought of the Day

My great-great-uncle Melvin became a fabulously rich man just before he died. Melvin opened up a stand on the Titanic and started selling wigs and dresses to all the men who wanted to get on the lifeboats first.