Thought of the Day

I’ve always liked the “Happy Birthday” song. That’s why I went out and bought the album.

Thought of the Day

Carmen Miranda was one of the biggest Latin American stars of the ‘40s and ‘50s. She sang. She danced. She performed in over a dozen Hollywood movies. But that first meeting with her agent must’ve been tough. I mean, what do you say when your manager asks: “How do you feel about wearing fruit salad on your head?"

Thought of the Day

I walked through my house the other day and found four houseflies hanging around. So I started charging them rent.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the jet boat should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

People are always flying flags at half-mast when someone dies. So, the other day, I noticed an old man putting his Canadian flag at half-mast. I stopped to ask him who’d passed away. He said, “Queen Elizabeth.” “But Queen Elizabeth died three years ago,” I said. “I know,” he said. “That’s how long it took me to afford the pole.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many times Barry Gibb has had a weak moment and bought a can of Gillette Foamy at Walgreens.

Thought of the Day

When I see someone with bad acne scars, I often wonder if they just had a hard time learning how to use a fork.

Thought of the Day

My dog thinks he’s pretty smart. The other day, I caught him trying to set up an appointment with my financial planner. He seemed to think it was a good time to invest in rubber chew toys.

Thought of The Day

I tried to buy the country of Ecuador once. But then I thought, I really have to cut back on the gin and tonics.

Thought of the Day

I feel sorry for panhandlers because people just aren’t carrying money around like they used to. But I guess times are changing. The other day, I saw a panhandler who was taking VISA and American Express.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading that a gang of piranhas broke into a supermarket in Brazil. They didn’t steal any money, mind you. But they did make off with an entire case of anchovies.

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy some prophylactics. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. So I stopped to ask one of the floorwalkers. She said, “Try the – ‘In Your Dreams’ Section.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you call a lighthouse when it’s been turned off.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I saw a trapeze artist at the circus once. His name was The Great Blondini. And I always thought that was the coolest name. Unfortunately, The Great Blondini had an accident some years later, and they had to change his name to “Stuff On The Ground.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you can call it buried treasure unless you’ve had a chance to look at it first.

Thought of the Day

Squirrels seem like pretty quiet, reserved animals. But everyone has their breaking point. The other day, part of a squirrel’s nest blew down in the wind, and all I could hear up in the tree was: “Son of a bitch! There goes the kitchen!”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Los Angeles wildfires in January did over $250-billion in damage, and destroyed over 10,000 buildings and celebrity homes. In fact, they’re considered one of the worst fires in modern history. But, oddly enough, they didn’t burn down Woody Harrelson.

Thought of the Day

I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a McCrispy chicken sandwich. I’m not saying the service was slow. But by the time my sandwich arrived, I was eating a McSoggy.

Thought of the Day

 I often wonder if bingo callers can get sued for mispronunciation.

Thought of the Day

I’m not a fan of the new crayons they’re developing for kids these days. I looked at a box of Crayolas the other day, and the first crayon I picked out was called Blue Screen of Death.