Thought of the Day

If the early bird always catches the worm then I’m not setting my alarm clock.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think it’s right to call it “canned” salmon at the supermarket. I’m sure the salmon feel bad enough as it is.

A Very Scarecrow Announcement

We hate to disappoint our one reader in Paraguay. But we thought it best to let them know we’ve just returned from the Winter Olympics in Italy, where we were participating in the Canadian Snow Angel Team.

Alas, our dream of winning the gold has finally gone – kaput. We got beat by Mozambique – which is sad really because the closest they’ve come to a snowflake is the Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven.

Ah, well. There’s always 2030.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to try speed reading again. I tried to read War and Peace with it once but I ran into a speed trap on page four.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we didn’t have a milkman. We had a chocolate milkman. He was just like a regular milkman except he was much sweeter.

Thought of the Day

When hunting season starts, I often wonder how many people go off into the forest to look for their remote.

Thought of the Day

I went to see the vet the other day to go over my dog’s test results. He said, “Well. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the good news?” I said. “The good news is his tests came back okay.” “That’s great… What’s the bad news?” “The bad news is he still needs to work on his algebra.”

Thought of the Day

I wonder if strippers ever go to a nudist colony just to get in some practice.

Thought of the Day

I hit a squirrel on the road the other day. And it was a really upsetting experience. Particularly when he tried to sue me for everything I had.

Thought of the Day

When they first invented Swiss cheese, I wonder how many cheesemakers were fired for doing such a half-assed job.

Thought of the Day

I was walking by the water the other day when I noticed several ducks diving for food. I finally asked them what they were eating. “Nothing,” one of them said. “We’re looking for Freddie’s contact lens.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented the tent had a zipper on his front door.

Thought of the Day

I hear that things in Russia are getting more democratic all the time. In the next election for instance, Russians now have the option of voting for Vladimir Putin or Vladimir Putin.

Thought of the Day

When “Weird Al” dies, I wonder if people will start referring to him as “Not So Weird Al.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people play Lotto 649 every week and expect to win the lottery. The odds of actually winning the jackpot is over 13-million to 1. To put that in perspective, that’s about the same chance of finding something nutritious in a box of Kellogg’s Sugar Smacks.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Little Red Riding Hood was aspiring to be a Communist.

Thought of the Day

I bought a pair of alligator shoes once – but they didn’t fit very well. I couldn’t understand why until I heard a knock at the door one day. It was an alligator. He said, “I think you got the box marked ‘Luis.’”

Thought of the Day

I think my dog must be part Jewish. To be honest, I’m not 100% sure. But the last time my dog ran to bite the mailman, he came back because the guy wasn’t kosher.

Thought of the Day

My accountant told me the other day I should really start cutting back on my expenses. So I fired him.

Thought of the Day

If The Incredible Hulk is so incredible then how come I’ve never seen him land a guest spot on Stephen Colbert?