Thought of the Day

My dog is not very smart. I know that for a fact because he never finished high school.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Elvis only joined the army so they would protect him from all his screaming fans.

Thought of the Day

When a fly gets caught in a spider’s web, I wonder if he’s ever considered trying to bribe the spider with tickets to a Mets game.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think we’re ever going to have world peace until dogs and cats learn to get along with one another.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh’s manager ever tried to get him to change his name for show business.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we could barely eat a bite of my grandmother’s turkey meat loaf – it was horrible! It was so disgusting that Stephen King would often call my grandmother up for tips on his next novel.

Thought of the Day

I think my new GP has dreams of becoming a veterinarian. I can tell because when I went to see him the other day, he patted my head and told me I was a good boy.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Tiger Woods gives his caddy Lance Bennett 10% of his winnings after every golf tournament. I wonder if that means he also gives him 10% of his hookers.

Thought of the Day

I forgot to pick up some food for my dog the other day. So I just gave him a mailman and two plumbers.

Thought of the Day

I really need to floss my teeth more often. The other day, I was flossing my teeth and found the Lost City of Atlantis.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Bruce Willis is just pretending to have dementia so he can get out of doing another Die Hard movie.

Thought of the Day

They say that dogs smell each other’s behinds as a way of greeting one another. Man! I’m glad I never had to do that at a job interview.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole trade war thing is getting a little out of hand. First, the States changed the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America.” Now apparently, Canada has decided to start calling Lake Michigan “Lake Kiss My Ass.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, there’s a fine line between listening to a Miley Cyrus song and getting interrogated by the KGB.

Thought of the Day

It’s too bad everyone's getting so allergic to nuts these days. Pretty soon you’ll be able to walk into a bank and hold it up with a peanut butter sandwich.

Thought of the Day

When the Abominable Snowman was growing up, I wonder if his high school yearbook said he was the one most likely to eat a mountain climber.

Thought of the Day

They always say God banished Adam and Eve from The Garden of Eden because they ate the forbidden fruit from The Tree of Knowledge. If you ask me, I think God kicked them out the moment he heard Adam cranking his Edgar Winter records.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re the Pillsbury Doughboy, and everyone keeps poking you in the stomach, I think it’s time you started suing them for assault.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to go sightseeing for whales unless you’re prepared to shout, “Thar she blows!”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that there’s currently a massive shortage of vanishing cream in Canada. Retailers across the country just can’t seem to keep the little jars in stock. And I can understand why. I guess millions of Canadians have been mailing them to the White House.