Thought of the Day

I wonder if snakes ever get pissed off that they don’t have any arms.

Thought of the Day

I think it’s okay to take magic mushrooms as long as you don’t try doing the saw a woman in half trick.

Thought of the Day

I wonder how many employees get fired at Kraft every month for making jokes about cutting the cheese.

Thought of the Day

I think the most thankless position on a soccer team has got to be goaltender. How do they expect him to stop a soccer ball when he’s tending a goal 24 x 8 feet long? That’s like trying to stop a bank robber by saying, “Stop!”

Thought of the Day

I saw a sci-fi film once about a man who was shrunk down to microscopic size. I think that would be kind of cool myself. Just think. If you wanted to go on vacation, all you’d have to do is take the bus to your living room.

Thought of the Day

I often wake up early in the morning and think, “I’m not going to work today!” But then I remember how many payments I have left on my Bouncy Castle.

Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I don’t speak housefly. I hit one with a flyswatter the other day, and I’m sure he must’ve said, “Oh! You broke my widdle spine!"

Thought of the Day

Being The Invisible Man might be a pain in the ass. But hey – at least there’s nothing stopping him from getting an all-over tan.

Thought of the Day

When Jesus finally arrives for The Second Coming, I hope He gives me a little notice so I know whether to make regular or decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how much the crime rate went up when Superman discovered he couldn’t change in phone booths any more.

Thought of the Day

Times sure have changed... I was watching Keith Richards on Jimmy Fallon the other night and the Stones guitarist said he hasn’t had a drink in nearly 10 years. He says now the only thing he’s addicted to is Parcheesi.

Thought of the Day

My local pizzeria has a special offer... Delivery in 15-minutes or it’s free. That’s why I always place my order from Nigeria.

Thought of the Day

I think hot sauce is really just a matter of opinion.

Thought of the Day

When Orville and Wilbur Wright were trying to build the first airplane, I often wonder how many birds stopped by and told them to cut it out.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to buy a pickup truck unless you’re prepared to stop for hitchhikers.

Thought of the Day

The Toronto Maple Leafs aren't having much luck with hockey these days. I think they’d be better off getting into some other line of work like wall-to-wall carpeting.

Thought of the Day

If dogs were meant to wear clothing then how come you never see one walking down a runway in Milan?

Thought of the Day

If you can read this post then our public education system must be working.

Thought of the Day

I think earlobes are great as long as you have two of them.

Thought of the Day

We got a new boss at work – but he didn’t last very long. I guess Bruce was getting tired of taking all those requests.