Thought of the Day

There’s no use trying to argue with a race car driver. All they do is go around in circles.

Thought of the Day

If I was a superhero, I’d like to have the power to run really fast. Not so I could fight crime. I just want to run away when the bad guys show up.

Thought of the Day

I’m not quite sure why motorcyclists wear a helmet. I guess that’s so – if they get in an accident – their heads will still look okay for an open casket.

Thought of the Day

 I often wonder how French fries get into the country without a passport.

Thought of the Day

Back in the Old West, they were always putting up wanted posters, offering thousands of dollars for some dangerous outlaw. If I was living back then, I would’ve offered thousands of dollars just for a good pack of quilted toilet paper.

Thought of the Day

If I had to open a new restaurant, I’d call it The Alamo. That way, everyone would remember it.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Cleopatra ever asked Marc Antony, “Does this toga make my ass look fat?”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name’s Scooby-Doo, and a big scary monster is chasing after you, stop and see if it’s really Old Man Higgins in a mask. It'll save you an awful lot of time.

Thought of the Day

If I were a squirrel, and I had to make a bucket list, I think the first thing on my list would be: “Don’t get run over by a car.”

Thought of the Day

My dog is not very smart. I know that for a fact because he never finished high school.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Elvis only joined the army so they would protect him from all his screaming fans.

Thought of the Day

When a fly gets caught in a spider’s web, I wonder if he’s ever considered trying to bribe the spider with tickets to a Mets game.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think we’re ever going to have world peace until dogs and cats learn to get along with one another.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Winnie-the-Pooh’s manager ever tried to get him to change his name for show business.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we could barely eat a bite of my grandmother’s turkey meat loaf – it was horrible! It was so disgusting that Stephen King would often call my grandmother up for tips on his latest novel.

Thought of the Day

I think my new GP has dreams of becoming a veterinarian. I can tell because when I went to see him the other day, he patted my head and told me I was a good boy.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Tiger Woods gives his caddy Lance Bennett 10% of his winnings after every golf tournament. I wonder if that means he also gives him 10% of his hookers.

Thought of the Day

I forgot to pick up some food for my dog the other day. So I just gave him a mailman and two plumbers.

Thought of the Day

I really need to floss my teeth more often. The other day, I was flossing my teeth and found the Lost City of Atlantis.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Bruce Willis is just pretending to have dementia so he can get out of doing another Die Hard movie.