Thought of the Day

My local pizzeria has a special offer... Delivery in 15-minutes or it’s free. That’s why I always place my order from Nigeria.

Thought of the Day

I think hot sauce is really just a matter of opinion.

Thought of the Day

When Orville and Wilbur Wright were trying to build the first airplane, I often wonder how many birds stopped by and told them to cut it out.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to buy a pickup truck unless you’re prepared to stop for hitchhikers.

Thought of the Day

The Toronto Maple Leafs aren't having much luck with hockey these days. I think they’d be better off getting into some other line of work like wall-to-wall carpeting.

Thought of the Day

If dogs were meant to wear clothing then how come you never see one walking down a runway in Milan?

Thought of the Day

If you can read this post then our public education system must be working.

Thought of the Day

I think earlobes are great as long as you have two of them.

Thought of the Day

We got a new boss at work – but he didn’t last very long. I guess Bruce was getting tired of taking all those requests.

Thought of the Day

My grandfather was driving home late one night and spotted a wolf trying to kill a deer on the road. So my grandfather blew his horn at him – and the wolf ran away. I don’t think that’s right myself. That’s like going into Burger King and a wolf jumps out and says, “Hey! Get out of here!”

Thought of the Day

I wonder how many people go on Google Maps just so they can find the lost city of Atlantis.

Thought of the Day

Thomas Edison was one of the most renowned inventors of the 20th century. The man invented the phonograph, the motion picture camera and the electric light bulb. So it’s a good thing no one remembers the first thing Edison ever invented – the pocket lemon stretcher.

Thought of the Day

When I was seven-years-old, I was madly in love with Patty Wainbridge in the second grade. So I asked her to marry me. She said, “Let’s wait ‘til we’re a little older.” I said, “How about now?”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if it’s possible to read Braille during an earth tremor.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Batman and Hawkman aren’t on speaking terms any more. I guess Batman was getting tired of all the times Hawkman kept taking a crap on his windshield.

Thought of the Day

I went to see my doctor the other day and told him I keep getting these bad ice cream headaches. I don’t think he was really sympathetic about the whole thing. He just told me to switch to pistachio.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason they started making cod liver oil is they were all out of pancreas.

Thought of the Day

Over the winter, I tried to get warm by running a little bit every day. And it worked. By the time I finished, I was in Fort Lauderdale.

Thought of the Day

They say that women find men more attractive when they have grey hair. If that’s true, I guess Michael McDonald must be getting more ass than a toilet seat.

Thought of the Day

Back in public school, there was a girl in our class named Janice who was made of Lego. To be honest, I don’t know if she was really made of Lego. But she did have yellow skin and a bump on her head so she could snap on different hairstyles.