Thought of the Day

I wish more hockey referees were working on the police force. That way, even if they gave you a speeding ticket, the worst you could get is a game misconduct.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Pat Sajak has ever been arrested for hanging around schoolyards and asking kids if they want to buy a vowel.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I went into a hardware store and the clerk kept calling me “my friend.” I said, “Are you really my friend?” “Of course,” he said. “Great!” I said, “Can you loan me twenty bucks?”

Thought of the Day

When I was in Grade Nine, we had a math teacher named Mr. Graziano who was an ex-con. To be honest, I don’t really know that for sure. But every time the fire alarm went off, Mr. Graziano would always run for his getaway car.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl was arrested once for shoplifting. Luckily, he didn’t get any jail time. But it did take him a year to get over the hernia.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that Batman got Robin for a sidekick is he needed someone for the bad guys to shoot at first.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if clowns ever go to their mechanic and tell them their car is making a funny noise.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Colonel Sanders never really cared about all the money he made in the fried chicken business. He just loved to sit around and boast about all the Japs he killed in Okinawa.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Sid had a three-legged dog once named “Cashew.” My uncle called him Cashew because when he bought him, his friends all said he was nuts.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if snakes ever get pissed off that they don’t have any arms.

Thought of the Day

I think it’s okay to take magic mushrooms as long as you don’t try doing the saw a woman in half trick.

Thought of the Day

I wonder how many employees get fired at Kraft every month for making jokes about cutting the cheese.

Thought of the Day

I think the most thankless position on a soccer team has got to be goaltender. How do they expect him to stop a soccer ball when he’s tending a goal 24 x 8 feet long? That’s like trying to stop a bank robber by saying, “Stop!”

Thought of the Day

I saw a sci-fi film once about a man who was shrunk down to microscopic size. I think that would be kind of cool myself. Just think. If you wanted to go on vacation, all you’d have to do is take the bus to your living room.

Thought of the Day

I often wake up early in the morning and think, “I’m not going to work today!” But then I remember how many payments I have left on my Bouncy Castle.

Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I don’t speak housefly. I hit one with a flyswatter the other day, and I’m sure he must’ve said, “Oh! You broke my widdle spine!"

Thought of the Day

Being The Invisible Man might be a pain in the ass. But hey – at least there’s nothing stopping him from getting an all-over tan.

Thought of the Day

When Jesus finally arrives for The Second Coming, I hope He gives me a little notice so I know whether to make regular or decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how much the crime rate went up when Superman discovered he couldn’t change in phone booths any more.

Thought of the Day

Times sure have changed... I was watching Keith Richards on Jimmy Fallon the other night and the Stones guitarist said he hasn’t had a drink in nearly 10 years. He says now the only thing he’s addicted to is Parcheesi.