Thought of the Day

I’m really glad I don’t speak housefly. I hit one with a flyswatter the other day, and I’m sure he must’ve said, “Oh! You broke my widdle spine!"

Thought of the Day

Being The Invisible Man might be a pain in the ass. But hey – at least there’s nothing stopping him from getting an all-over tan.

Thought of the Day

When Jesus finally arrives for The Second Coming, I hope He gives me a little notice so I know whether to make regular or decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how much the crime rate went up when Superman discovered he couldn’t change in phone booths any more.

Thought of the Day

Times sure have changed... I was watching Keith Richards on Jimmy Fallon the other night and the Stones guitarist said he hasn’t had a drink in nearly 10 years. He says now the only thing he’s addicted to is Parcheesi.

Thought of the Day

My local pizzeria has a special offer... Delivery in 15-minutes or it’s free. That’s why I always place my order from Nigeria.

Thought of the Day

I think hot sauce is really just a matter of opinion.

Thought of the Day

When Orville and Wilbur Wright were trying to build the first airplane, I often wonder how many birds stopped by and told them to cut it out.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you should be allowed to buy a pickup truck unless you’re prepared to stop for hitchhikers.

Thought of the Day

The Toronto Maple Leafs aren't having much luck with hockey these days. I think they’d be better off getting into some other line of work like wall-to-wall carpeting.

Thought of the Day

If dogs were meant to wear clothing then how come you never see one walking down a runway in Milan?