sundAy, september 1, 2024
Due to a worldwide shortage of celery, carrots and tomatoes, Campbell's has announced it's changing the name of its popular V-8 vegetable juice to "V-5." When it was pointed out that there is no worldwide shortage of celery, carrots and tomatoes, a spokesman for Campbell's said, "Get out of here!"
mondAy, july 1, 2024
Millions of people took to the streets worldwide to celebrate the news that actor and comedian Eddie Murphy won't be doing any more films. Murphy, who's been making crap movies since 1992, announced his decision in a recent People interview saying he just didn't need any more swimming pools, and won't be getting out of bed any longer unless he has to take a dump.
mondAy, april 1, 2024
The Grim Reaper has just announced he'll be taking the Easter
weekend off to go fly fishing. The video statement appeared on his new
YouTube channel and was not wholly unexpected. By all accounts, the
angel of death hasn't taken a vacation since The Middle Ages. "Ah, that
was a good time!" The Grim Reaper recalled. “The muskies were really
biting back then."
thursdAy, FEBRUARY 1, 2024
The Beatles have just announced the release of their final single entitled, “Now And Then.” Based on a rough demo by the late John Lennon, the track was recently restored using new audio technology and archival input from the late George Harrison. Drummer Ringo Starr was blunt when asked about the motivation behind their latest release. “The money!” he said. “What do you think we are? Stupid?”
fridAy, december 1, 2023
The future of The Rolling Stones has been thrown in doubt after Keith Richards announced his retirement. In a new interview with 60 Minutes, the guitar legend admitted he'd gone clean and sober, and was quitting the band to get caught up on his baking. “It’s sad,” said guitarist Ronnie Wood. “Keef used to have a fourteen-year-old in one hand and a Jim Beam in the other. But when I caught him knitting sweaters for the band, I knew it was all over.”
SundAy, october 1, 2023
Las Vegas Metropolitan Police announced they've finally made an arrest in the 1996 shooting death of rapper Tupac Shakur, taking gangster Duane Keith Davis into custody. On a related note, investigators also admitted they're making good progress on the 1995 disappearance of M.C. Hammer.
SaturdAy, july 1, 2023
In response to his international best-selling memoir, Spare, Prince Harry has just announced he’ll be releasing a second book this fall through Penguin Random House. According to publishing insiders, the Duke of Sussex’s latest memoir promises to be an even more salacious portrait of the Royal Family, and is entitled: I Really, Really Need The Money.
mondAy, May 1, 2023
A Brooklyn, N.Y. woman has been sentenced to 21 years in prison for attempting to murder her lookalike friend and steal her identity. The convicted felon, 47-year-old Viktoria Nasyrova, had tried to kill her beautician, Olga Tsvyk, with a slice of poisoned cheesecake. At her sentencing, Nasyrova said her only regret was that she didn’t make it à la mode.
Sixty-eight-year-old Toronto Mayor John Tory has officially resigned after it was revealed he’d been having an extra-marital affair with his 31-year-old assistant. In his farewell speech, Tory said he was looking forward to making amends with his children, to repairing the strained relationship with his wife of over 41 years, and to chasing all the hoochies.
sundAy, january 1,
2023
Terry Bollea, better known to the world as professional wrestler Hulk Hogan,
has just announced he’s getting a sex change operation later this
month. In light of the procedure, Hogan plans to revamp his image by
formally changing his name to “Wonder Woman.” When reached for comment
on the sudden announcement, the 69-year-old Hogan is quoted as saying:
“Whatcha gonna do when Wonder Womania runs wild on you?"
thursdAY, december 1,
2022
Late night legend David Letterman finally broke down and shaved his Santa-like beard this week. The official shearing took place on Monday’s edition of The Today Show, and apparently, it’s been quite a while since the former Late Show host put face to razor. While cutting off his bushy whiskers, they found Paul Shaffer and two-thirds of Anton Fig.
SaturdAY, october 1,
2022
thursdAY, september 1, 2022
When he formed The Fantastic Four, Reed Richards decided to call himself
“Mr. Fantastic.” But in the latest tell-all feature in Elle magazine, Sue Storm Richards, the famed Invisible Woman reveals that’s not what she thought of her husband on their wedding night.
fridAY, july 1,
2022
NBC executives have yet to comment on the shocking revelation that celebrated comedian and Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon is actually a Muppet. Close aides to Fallon said they did have some suspicions – but didn’t know for certain until they looked beneath the NBC star’s desk and discovered Frank Oz’s hand up his ass.
wednesdAY, june 1,
2022
Police in Sacramento, California have filed a missing persons report for former children’s personality Speedy Gonzales who has gone missing from TV screens since 1999. A spokesman for Warner Bros. Entertainment, the ‘Fastest Mouse in all Mexico’s’ last known employer, said, “Speedy? Sure, he was a stand-up guy. But there’s not much call around here for a mouse that says, ‘Andale!’"
sundAY, may 1, 2022
Jessica Sklar has officially filed for divorce from husband Jerry Seinfeld after discovering the multi-million dollar stand-up comic had been having a surreptitious relationship with their longtime housekeeper, Chiquita Jailbaita of Queens. In his defense, the former Seinfeld star reportedly claimed it was just an affair “about nothing.”
friDAY, april 1, 2022
Chart-topping rock star Sting recently sold his entire Police and solo songwriting catalogue to Universal Music Group for a mammoth payday of $250-million. Despite months of negotiation, Sting apparently made only one stipulation with the agreement. He would only sell his catalogue to Universal if they screwed over Stewart Copeland.
tuesDAY, march 1, 2022
tuesDAY, february 1, 2022
After years of speculation, former Beatle and rock icon Paul McCartney has finally admitted he’s had a series of tucks and Botox procedures done to his face in order to achieve a more youthful appearance. When reached for comment on the 79-year-old’s plastic surgery, Mother Mary of Liverpool, England said, “Stupid git. I told him to let it be!”
saturDAY, january 1, 2022
In an effort to settle their longstanding feud, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel have just announced they’ll be holding an exclusive fight to the death this fall at Caesars Palace called: “Simon & Garfunkel Bite The Big One.” The aging folk rock duo plan to open this very special evening with their 1971 pop hit “Feelin’ Groovy.”
WednesDAY, december 1, 2021
monDAY, november 1,
2021
Black Flag has just developed a brand new insecticide. Apparently it’s so powerful it can kill some of the most vile creatures on Earth. There’s only one drawback though. It doesn’t seem to work on the Kardashians.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2021
According to TIME Magazine, the French have finally admitted they really aren’t in love with Jerry Lewis after all. It seems that the whole time they were getting him confused with Emmanuel Lewis.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1,
2021
Earlier this year, J.Lo and A-Rod announced the end of their four-year relationship due to irreconcilable differences. But what was the final straw? According to a new TMZ exclusive, the superstar couple have finally admitted they just couldn’t agree on whose name was sillier.
sUNDAY, August 1, 2021
After weeks of speculation, Purina Foods finally admitted that they’ve been secretly adding marijuana powder to several of their SmartBlend dry dog foods in an effort to boost sales. And on a related note, a Doberman recently held up a Mini-Mart in San Diego and stole all the Cool Ranch Doritos.
thursDAY, JUly 1, 2021
In the latest edition of Rolling Stong, Sting explains he can no longer engage in tantric sex for eight hours at a time like he did in his younger days. The 69-year-old rocker now admits he needs a four-hour break to take a nap and order a sandwich.
FRIDAY, JUNE 4, 2021
William Shatner contacted NASA recently
to let them know that when he dies, he wanted to have his ashes shot into
space. But NASA had to deny Shatner's request. Apparently, they couldn't find a
rocket big enough to fit his ego.
-30-
