Scarecrow Speak

Due to "the peppermint schnapps incident," The Scarecrow Report will be closed for the holidays so it can recover an ounce of dignity. Any suggestions about good lawyers would also be most appreciated.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, our family was so poor that my mother had to get really creative when it came to making dinner. Man, that girl could knit a mean fried chicken.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think people should be hanging their stockings by the fire for Santa to find on Christmas Eve. You see – Santa is into that kind of thing.

Thought of the Day

Man, times have really changed with COVID. I remember the days when you could go to England, and they’d serve you fish and chips wrapped in newspaper. Not any more. I went back there recently, and all the fish have resigned.

Thought of the Day

If someone tried to strangle one of The Beach Boys, I wouldn’t call that assault. I’d call that a crime against Love.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know where people got the cockamamie idea that former vice-president Al Gore invented the Internet. But it was probably the Internet.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re Godzilla, and you’re planning to attack Tokyo, don’t feel guilty if you end up eating too many Japanese civilians. When you eat Japanese, you’re only going to feel hungry in another hour anyway.

Thought of the Day

Look, I have no problem eating crow. It’s the eight hours on the can that bothers me.

Thought of the Day

Ringo Starr is really a prince of a guy. He’s a sweet talker. He has a wicked sense of humour. He’s even got a helluva smile, when he wants to turn it on. But I’m still not going to untie his hands 'til I’m good and ready.

Thought of the Day

I almost got married once. But she didn’t believe in marriage. And I didn’t believe I could marry a woman from Ceti Alpha 5.

Thought of the Day

Before he changed it in the 1950s, billion-dollar fashion designer Ralph Lauren went by his real name: “Ralph Lipschitz.” Maybe it’s just me. But I think he made the right decision.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, my dad bought a phone that looked like a banana. He thought it was a great joke. But he couldn’t understand why my aunt in B.C. never returned his calls. Turns out, my aunt bought a phone that looked like a bunch of grapes. Only she could never figure out which grape to answer.

Thought of the Day

Elvis Presley – the King of Rock and Roll – died in 1977 after years of prescription drug abuse. If you ask me, that’s going a little too far to try and avoid disco.

Thought of the Day

They always say something is “better than a kick in the head.” I don’t know about you – but I wouldn’t mind getting a kick in the head. As long as it was done by a small member of the rodent family.

Thought of the Day

I’m not big in Japan. But I am pretty impressive in Bangladesh.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I thought I’d check my sofa to see if anything had fallen beneath the cushions. I didn’t find any loose change. But I did find Kenny Loggins. I always wondered what happened after Vox Humana.

Thought of the Day

Not many people know that back in the early-1970s, popcorn mogul Orville Redenbacher made an unsuccessful attempt to get into the birth control market. It’s probably just as well. His Orville “Reddy-for-Action” condoms were only available in two flavours – jalapeno and classic movie butter.

Thought of the Day

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your instant oatmeal takes three minutes to make.

Thought of the Day

I think doctors would save an awful lot of money if they got rid of tongue depressors. If they really want to put your tongue down, all they have to do is turn on some Morrissey.

Thought of the Day

I think Mr. Rogers made an unfortunate choice when he decided to call one of the characters on his children’s show “Mr. McFeely.”

Thought of the Day

If a picture could speak a thousand words, it would get pretty annoying after a while.

Thought of the Day

When she had her first child, everybody said my mother had a certain glow about her. And I can attest to that. I can’t tell you how many times that damned glow would keep me awake at night.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re an up-and-coming magician, and looking to attempt the “sawing a woman in half” trick, keep in mind you’re just one cut away from a standing ovation. Or a prison bunk next to Jethro.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think The Weeknd should be allowed to leave the house until he understands the concept of vowels.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always wondered why they decided to call wieners “hot dogs.” I guess “leftover cow parts” just wasn’t moving enough product.

Thought of the Day

I can’t believe ABBA is making a comeback after all these years. The members of ABBA are so old, when they were growing up air hadn’t been invented yet.

Thought of the Day

Hockey legend and multi-millionaire Wayne Gretzky is famous for saying, “I skate to where the puck is going to be, not to where it has been.” Then again, he’s also famous for saying, “I’ll take twenty orangutans, and the jetpack with gas-powered sneakers.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder where Yogi Bear got his tie and pork pie hat. I think when the pic-a-nic baskets got slim, he must’ve eaten a few retirees.

Thought of the Day

Every time the villagers show up to storm a castle with torches and pitchforks, Home Hardware must make a killing that day.

Thought of the Day

Did you hear the one about the acrobat who quit the circus? He was tired of getting caught in the act.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who started the whole “Paul is dead” rumour. But he must be out to lunch. Last time I checked, Paul Giamatti is doing quite well.

Thought of the Day

The new supply chain shortages are really becoming a serious problem in the States. Shelves are empty. Stores are closing. In fact, I hear it’s so bad that in Beverly Hills the other day, Nicki Minaj couldn’t find a decent pair of rhinestone panties.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know what wiped out the dinosaurs. But I’m sure the Ben & Jerry’s didn’t help.

Thought of the Day

When the police stop you for driving under the influence, they always want you to walk a straight line. I hardly think that’s fair. That’s like coming up to the plate and the other team yelling: “Easy out!”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how you can move heaven and earth when you have to stand on earth in the first place.

Thought of the Day

Companies always go out of their way to tell you their product is “new and improved.” And I can understand why. It sounds a lot more impressive than saying, “This is the same old crap. We just changed the packaging.”

Thought of the Day

If I found a genie in a bottle, and he wanted to grant me three wishes, my first wish would be for him to put on some pants.

Thought of the Day

When Stevie Nicks gets up in the morning, how does she decide whether to wear the black gypsy dress or the black gypsy dress?

Thought of the Day

I’m not proud of myself but when I was in college, I tried making a little money on the side as a drug mule. It was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Who knew they were going to pay me in alfalfa?

Thought of the Day

I think mimes would have a much easier go of things if they just tried walking with the wind for a change.

Thought of the Day

Everybody knows Jesus had a group of disciples. But no one seems to know why He picked 12. If you ask me, I think Jesus wanted a few more options to pinch-hit for Bartholomew.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, all the kids in my neighbourhood would avoid Dr. Weaver's place. Nothing wrong with him, really. But I don’t think Dr. Weaver understood the whole concept of Halloween. He used to give out gingivitis.

Thought of the Day

If you’re a stripper, and you put some clothes on, I think that’s grounds for dismissal.

Thought of the Day

Sometimes I feel like I have to be the adult in the room. That’s when I start to wonder – who was I when I wasn’t being the adult in the room?

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… Don’t name your child “Apple” - unless you want them to spend the next forty years on a therapist’s couch.

Thought of the Day

If I was about to be executed, and they offered me a last meal, I wouldn’t ask for steak or lobster. I’d ask for Wisconsin. I’d take me forever just to eat the Green Bay Packers.

Thought of the Day

With the Me Too movement going on, it might be a good time to target Superman. I’m sure Lois would love to know about all the years “Clark” has been using his x-ray vision to check her out.

Thought of the Day

If you’ve got a green thumb, you might want to get that thing looked at.

Thought of the Day

They say if man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings. It’s probably just as well. If man had wings, he’d have an awful time trying to get his pants on in the morning.

Thought of the Day

I finally got over a terrible bout with the Swedish flu the other day. It’s just like the regular flu except I had an uncontrollable urge to go to IKEA.

Thought of the Day

Some people don’t like Mondays. Not me. I have a thing about Shrove Tuesdays.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think there’s any justifiable reason for the U.S. military to still use waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay. All they really have to do is turn on an iHeart radio station. I’d talk too if I had to listen to Cardi B.

Thought of the Day

I got a new tattoo recently. It’s a full body tattoo of me – but older. That might sound a little expensive. But the way I figure it, I can get all the free refills I want now at Red Lobster.

Thought of the Day

The easiest job in the world has got to be courtroom artist. I mean, c’mon. If the court is closed to the public, who’s gonna know if you got the nose wrong?

Thought of the Day

I think if George Washington realized he was going to be famous for chopping down a cherry tree, he would’ve worked out some kind of deal with Ocean Spray.

Thought of the Day

I picked my date up the other night, and let me tell you – her outfit left nothing to the imagination. I guess that’s what happens when you go out with bag ladies.

Thought of the Day

The farmers down the road put their chicken on waivers the other day. Apparently she wasn’t producing.

Thought of the Day

I was reading somewhere that a man in Utah flew a small plane into his own house after he had an argument with his wife. Some people would call that a senseless waste of life. I just think the runway he was building in his backyard should’ve been a giveaway.

Thought of the Day

I’m getting tired of always sitting at the kids’ table. Next time, I’m going to ask if I can sit at their imaginary friends’ table.

Thought of the Day

I think The Marx Brothers would still be hugely popular today if they only had a brother in the act named “Lego.”

Thought of the Day

I had a lot of trouble trying to swallow pills as a child. I guess that’s why it was so easy for me to get into heroin.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why horses aren’t outraged by the game of horseshoes. I don’t know about you. But if I found a bunch of horses throwing my shoes around, I’d be pretty cheesed off.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people are so concerned about being followed on Facebook. My shadow’s been following me my entire life and it’s no big whoop.

Thought of the Day

According to the most recent census, there are 8,230 men and women living in Canada who are 100 years of age or older. Let me put that to you another way. That’s about the same amount of people who thought Jar Jar Binks was a good idea.

Thought of the Day

My new Toyota Hybrid is going to cost me an arm and a leg. I wonder if the dealer will accept a toe as a down payment.

Thought of the Day

There are two things I love about Dolly Parton. Her songs and her musicianship.

Thought of the Day

I keep hearing a woman’s voice in my head. Fortunately, it’s only at Shoppers Drug Mart. And it’s very pleasant. The voice is always saying things like “Customer service... Call 101, please.”

Thought of the Day

Who was the sick puppy that came up with the idea of serving “liver and onions”? Were they all out of spleen and celery that day?

Thought of the Day

I think it might be time to retire the 007 series. In the next movie I hear they’re going to give James Bond a license to eat jello.

Thought of the Day

I’m not a very good mountain climber. But I am a pretty accomplished mountain faller.

Thought of the Day

A lot of people get confused if Disney is located in Florida or California. Well, if you really want to get technical about it, he’s located in the freezer next to Ted Williams.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is one brave man. He went and got a vasectomy last week. But that’s not the really impressive part. Karl did it himself with a vice grip and a pair of needle-nose pliers.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why Adam and Eve were banished from The Garden of Eden. God probably wanted them to get out and get a real job.

Thought of the Day

They say men aren’t the best when it comes to communicating. And it’s true. I’ll give you a perfect example. My grandpa let one go in a crowded elevator the other day. And he didn’t tell a soul.

Thought for the Day

It’s always a good idea to let sleeping dogs lie. That goes double for Siberian mountain lions.

Thought of the Day

My friend was looking a little down so I asked him what was the matter. “I got a pink slip the other day,” he said. “Well,” I said, “pull your pants up and no one’ll notice.”

Thought of the Day

I bought a box of Cracker Jack the other day and it didn’t have a toy prize inside. I was pretty bummed out. That’s like going to see The Eagles and they don’t play “Hotel California.”

Thought of the Day

I think inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”

Thought of the Day

Call me crazy. But if I’m going to spend millions of dollars and countless man hours trying to launch a rocket into space, I’m not going to hire a guy named Buzz Aldrin.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why Bigfoot has never been seen out in public. I think he’s offended no one will recognize his other foot.

Thought of the Day

When was the last time you played football? For me, it was the day my coach sat me down and said, “This is the last time you’re playing football.”

Thought of the Day

I was pretty ambitious when I was growing up. In the summer for instance, I never had a lemonade stand like the other kids in the neighbourhood. I opened up a Tim Hortons and put them all out of business.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think people would be more impressed with an asteroid belt if it came with a nice pair of breathable slacks.

Thought of the Day

Next time you go to a friend’s wedding, don’t be afraid to get out on that dance floor and shake what your mother gave you. Even if it’s years of resentment and an inferiority complex.

Thought of the Day

If you put on a lifesaver, and end up drowning, that’s what I call false advertising.

Thought of the Day

I always make it a point to refuse ice water when I go out to a restaurant. I mean, c’mon. My body’s already 60% water! Who do they think I am? Aquaman?

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand people who can listen to a seashell and hear the ocean. That’s like listening to a 747 and hearing the wind.

Thought of the Day

Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Even if that means having to drain the lizard.

Thought of the Day

“Cats” is one of the most famous musicals of all time. And that’s just as well. I’m sure Andrew Lloyd Webber is pleased as punch everyone forgot about his first draft called “Zebras.”

Thought of the Day

I told my mom that her almond souffle needed a Little Richard. I was going to say “a little something” but thought he could use the royalties.

Thought of the Day

I don’t get why they named a salad after Julius Caesar. He was one of the most powerful statesmen in ancient Rome. The least they could’ve done is made him an entree.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… It’s always a good idea to label your foods before you put them in the freezer. That way, it’ll be easier for them to introduce themselves.

Thought of the Day

If a tribe of cannibals ever ate Colonel Sanders, there’s no question in my mind that somebody at the table would say the old man tastes like chicken.

Thought of the Day

When he was president, Abraham Lincoln was always partial to wearing a stovepipe hat. Good thing too. His corncob pipe hat would’ve never caught on.

Thought of the Day

I’ve had enough of taking my dog for a walk every morning. From now on, I’m just going to drop him off at the gym.

Thought of the Day

Okay…I give up. Who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop? I know who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong.

Thought of the Day

I was going to take a power nap the other day. But I couldn’t find the adaptor.

Thought of the Day

Why is Mrs. Howell always left out of the Mary Ann or Ginger debate? In my book, you can’t discount a woman with a name like “Lovey.”

Thought of the Day

Believe it or not, Houdini was already a master magician by the time he was six months old. Man – could that guy make his peas disappear!

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why Denny’s calls it their “Grand Slam” breakfast. Does that mean you have to touch all the bases before you can eat the link sausage?

Thought of the Day

My friends and I wanted to take a limo to our high school graduation – but we couldn’t afford one. So we decided to buy a limbo bar instead. It was about as low as we could go.

Thought of the Day

When I kill a bug with a Kleenex, I often wonder if they think I’m just trying to help them blow their nose.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think it was Yoko Ono that broke up The Beatles. I think it was Paul’s insistence on leaving the toilet seat up.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, Flintstone Chewable Vitamins were everywhere! It got so bad that two of my classmates overdosed on Barneys.

Thought of the Day

I went downtown the other day to renew my driver’s license – and the clerk said he wanted to see some identification. So I pointed to the speaker over my head. “This is Ed Sheeran,” I said.

Thought of the Day

People always want to know which came first – the chicken or the egg. I don’t care about that, really. I just want to know which came first – the campfire or the marshmallow.

Thought of the Day

If you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground, maybe it’s time you took a course.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never looked into this seriously. But when Captain Kangaroo died, I often wonder if Bunny Rabbit had anything to do with it.

Thought of the Day

If the Loch Ness Monster decided to move, does that mean he’d have to change his name?

Thought of the Day

People are always making apples to oranges comparisons. I prefer to make apples to tangerines comparisons.

Thought of the Day

A lot of people forget O.J. Simpson was a former football star before he was sent to prison for kidnapping and armed robbery. But not O.J…. I’m sure he gets reminded of that all the time when the inmates tell him he has a tight end.

Thought of the Day

I bought some Paul Newman Salad Dressing the other day. Luckily, it didn’t taste a thing like Paul Newman. He’s been dead for years!

Thought of the Day

I think sandals are really meant for people who can’t afford the entire shoe in the first place.

Thought of the Day

A lot of people are kept awake at night wondering where their next dollar is coming from. Me? I’m kept awake wondering if you’d find candy apples in the confectionary or the fresh fruit section.

Thought of the Day

Cleanliness isn’t next to godliness. In Webster’s, “godlike” is next to godliness.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure the Betty Ford Clinic has done a lot of good work over the years. But if I had a problem with substance abuse, I’d rather go to the Whitey Ford Clinic. All they do is make you catch pop flies.

Thought of the Day

You’d be surprised how many women tell me I look a lot like George Clooney. That’s George Clooney, the local chiropodist.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why the Brits decided to name their sport – cricket. “Praying mantis” is just way too long.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Bruce Springsteen is about as American as mom and apple pie and a bag full of hamsters. Well…maybe not the apple pie part.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why Amelia Earhart’s small Lockheed airplane got lost over the South Pacific. Her navigator, Fred, wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.

Thought of the Day

I lived in a tree house when I was a kid. People think that’s funny until I tell them that houses are made of wood – so we all live in “tree” houses. That’s about the time I get punched in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

If the world comes to end, I hope every scrap of TV programming gets destroyed in the ensuing Armageddon. I’d hate for some superior race to land on Earth and judge us by that clip from America’s Funniest Home Videos where a guy gets a Wiffle ball in the nuts.

Thought of the Day

I’m sick and tired of people who can’t make up their minds. At least, I think I am.

Thought of the Day

Some people think Long John Silver was one of the scariest pirates in classic literature because he had a gruff exterior and was missing an eye and a leg. So what? I had a shop teacher like that once.

Thought of the Day

I wouldn’t mind being a one-trick pony. As long as that one trick involved making an obscene amount of money.

Thought of the Day

I hear Tom Cruise is a great collector of antique phonebooks. And I can understand why. It would take him two or three just to see over the steering wheel.

Thought of the Day

When you’re walking along the beach, they say it’s dangerous to step on a jellyfish. That’s why I’d much rather step on a peanut butter and jellyfish. At least that way, all you’d have to worry about is if it’s smooth or extra crunchy.

Thought of the Day

 I don’t know why everyone gets so excited about “O’ Canada.” You can’t dance to it at all.

Thought of the Day

I don’t get why the Italians are so proud of a historical blunder like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. That’d be like the Germans saying, “Hey, remember that whole Nazi thing? It had its moments.”

Thought of the Day

I’m not sure what the Caramilk Secret is. But I’m sure the Russians will find out sooner or later.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip... Never mess with a man who’s carrying a firearm. Unless his name is Yosemite Sam. I mean, c’mon. The worst he’s going to do is say, “Great horny toads!”

Thought of the Day

I like to go over to my grandparents’ place and tell them that when I was a kid, I had everything.

Thought of the Day

You can tell King Kong must’ve been desperate for attention. I mean, why else would he climb to the top of the Empire State Building? He could just as easily climbed up a Piggly Wiggly.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I always dreamed of running away and joining the circus. Unfortunately, I ended up walking away and joining the office.

Thought of the Day

I think Sports Illustrated should try launching a new “Overalls Issue.” I’m sure it would go over big in Montana.

Thought of the Day

If God appeared before me, and I had the chance to ask him one question, I wouldn’t bother with the meaning of life or anything. I’d want to know, “What was the deal with the second Darrin on Bewitched?”

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the spider monkey should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading the Doomsday Clock is only 100 seconds away from striking midnight. Does that mean it’s too late to call Bruce Willis?

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle eating a tongue sandwich. It would be unsettling trying to figure out who’s tasting who.

Thought of the Day

Bungee jumping used to be a really big deal back in the day. Now you don’t hear a thing! I think that’s because all the people who loved bungee jumping are lying at the bottom of a ravine somewhere.

Thought of the Day

They say you can always start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. I think that theory would work perfectly, if the two sticks happened to be matches.

Thought of the Day

Watching an Adam Sandler movie can be a pleasant way to spend an evening. Oddly enough, it’s also a helpful way to get your hostage to talk.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why everyone’s out to get Uncle Ben and his rice. Don’t they know he’s the reason Peter Parker became Spiderman?

Thought of the Day

People always say, “It’s a free country.” Those same people obviously didn’t get a look at my Visa bill.

Thought of the Day

It’s too bad an elephant never forgets. That means there’s absolutely no way they can miss the turn to their mother-in-law’s place.

Thought of the Day

They say cockroaches are the only things that could survive a nuclear holocaust. I guess that means Bill Cosby has one less thing to worry about.

Thought of the Day

When I was in high school, my grade nine geometry teacher told me my marks were no laughing matter. I said, “Neither is Carrot Top.” I got extra homework that day.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody and his brother has a Swiss Army knife. I’ve got a KISS Army knife. I don’t use it that much. I just carry it around in case I need to cut off a little bit of Gene and Paul.

Thought of the Day

I think people are starting to get confused about all these COVID mask regulations. I stopped at my neighbour’s house the other day and she gave me a Milky Way bar. 

Thought of the Day

People are always asking me what three albums I would want to have if I was stranded on a desert island. I don’t know about you... But I think my first album would be one that had a cell phone.

Thought of the Day

What would Miley Cyrus say if you dropped her in a volcano? I don’t know for sure. But I think the whole world would say, “Thank you.”

Thought of the Day

I wrote a novel once and called it, “Roget’s Thesaurus.” It sold millions just by accident.

Thought of the Day

I remember visiting The Louvre and one of the employees was busy repairing the display case for da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. I had to tell him, “Hey. If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Are You Sitting Comfortably? Then We'll Begin.

This modest post marks the official launch of The Scarecrow Report! Or as they say in Salina, Utah…The Scarecrow Report. 

Welcome aboard!

One quick disclaimer... You’ll be pleased to know this site is 100% “family-friendly,” which means The Scarecrow Report contains absolutely no coarse language, graphic sex or gratuitous violence.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about references to Abe Vigoda...