Thought of the Day

If you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground, maybe it’s time you took a course.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never looked into this seriously. But when Captain Kangaroo died, I often wonder if Bunny Rabbit had anything to do with it.

Thought of the Day

If the Loch Ness Monster decided to move, does that mean he’d have to change his name?

Thought of the Day

People are always making apples to oranges comparisons. I prefer to make apples to tangerines comparisons.

Thought of the Day

A lot of people forget O.J. Simpson was a former football star before he was sent to prison for kidnapping and armed robbery. But not O.J…. I’m sure he gets reminded of that all the time when the inmates tell him he has a tight end.

Thought of the Day

I bought some Paul Newman Salad Dressing the other day. Luckily, it didn’t taste a thing like Paul Newman. He’s been dead for years!

Thought of the Day

I think sandals are really meant for people who can’t afford the entire shoe in the first place.

Thought of the Day

A lot of people are kept awake at night wondering where their next dollar is coming from. Me? I’m kept awake wondering if you’d find candy apples in the confectionary or the fresh fruit section.

Thought of the Day

Cleanliness isn’t next to godliness. In Webster’s, “godlike” is next to godliness.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure the Betty Ford Clinic has done a lot of good work over the years. But if I had a problem with substance abuse, I’d rather go to the Whitey Ford Clinic. All they do is make you catch pop flies.

Thought of the Day

You’d be surprised how many women tell me I look a lot like George Clooney. That’s George Clooney, the local chiropodist.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why the Brits decided to name their sport – cricket. “Praying mantis” is just way too long.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Bruce Springsteen is about as American as mom and apple pie and a bag full of hamsters. Well…maybe not the apple pie part.

Thought of the Day

There’s a good reason why Amelia Earhart’s small Lockheed airplane got lost over the South Pacific. Her navigator, Fred, wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.

Thought of the Day

I lived in a tree house when I was a kid. People think that’s funny until I tell them that houses are made of wood – so we all live in “tree” houses. That’s about the time I get punched in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

If the world comes to end, I hope every scrap of TV programming gets destroyed in the ensuing Armageddon. I’d hate for some superior race to land on Earth and judge us by that clip from America’s Funniest Home Videos where a guy gets a Wiffle ball in the nuts.

Thought of the Day

I’m sick and tired of people who can’t make up their minds. At least, I think I am.

Thought of the Day

Some people think Long John Silver was one of the scariest pirates in classic literature because he had a gruff exterior and was missing an eye and a leg. So what? I had a shop teacher like that once.

Thought of the Day

I wouldn’t mind being a one-trick pony. As long as that one trick involved making an obscene amount of money.

Thought of the Day

I hear Tom Cruise is a great collector of antique phonebooks. And I can understand why. It would take him two or three just to see over the steering wheel.

Thought of the Day

When you’re walking along the beach, they say it’s dangerous to step on a jellyfish. That’s why I’d much rather step on a peanut butter and jellyfish. At least that way, all you’d have to worry about is if it’s smooth or extra crunchy.

Thought of the Day

 I don’t know why everyone gets so excited about “O’ Canada.” You can’t dance to it at all.