Thought of the Day

If you put on a lifesaver, and end up drowning, that’s what I call false advertising.

Thought of the Day

I always make it a point to refuse ice water when I go out to a restaurant. I mean, c’mon. My body’s already 60% water! Who do they think I am? Aquaman?

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand people who can listen to a seashell and hear the ocean. That’s like listening to a 747 and hearing the wind.

Thought of the Day

Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Even if that means having to drain the lizard.

Thought of the Day

“Cats” is one of the most famous musicals of all time. And that’s just as well. I’m sure Andrew Lloyd Webber is pleased as punch everyone forgot about his first draft called “Zebras.”

Thought of the Day

I told my mom that her almond souffle needed a Little Richard. I was going to say “a little something” but thought he could use the royalties.

Thought of the Day

I don’t get why they named a salad after Julius Caesar. He was one of the most powerful statesmen in ancient Rome. The least they could’ve done is made him an entree.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… It’s always a good idea to label your foods before you put them in the freezer. That way, it’ll be easier for them to introduce themselves.

Thought of the Day

If a tribe of cannibals ever ate Colonel Sanders, there’s no question in my mind that somebody at the table would say the old man tastes like chicken.

Thought of the Day

When he was president, Abraham Lincoln was always partial to wearing a stovepipe hat. Good thing too. His corncob pipe hat would’ve never caught on.

Thought of the Day

I’ve had enough of taking my dog for a walk every morning. From now on, I’m just going to drop him off at the gym.

Thought of the Day

Okay…I give up. Who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop? I know who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong.

Thought of the Day

I was going to take a power nap the other day. But I couldn’t find the adaptor.

Thought of the Day

Why is Mrs. Howell always left out of the Mary Ann or Ginger debate? In my book, you can’t discount a woman with a name like “Lovey.”

Thought of the Day

Believe it or not, Houdini was already a master magician by the time he was six months old. Man – could that guy make his peas disappear!

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why Denny’s calls it their “Grand Slam” breakfast. Does that mean you have to touch all the bases before you can eat the link sausage?

Thought of the Day

My friends and I wanted to take a limo to our high school graduation – but we couldn’t afford one. So we decided to buy a limbo bar instead. It was about as low as we could go.

Thought of the Day

When I kill a bug with a Kleenex, I often wonder if they think I’m just trying to help them blow their nose.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think it was Yoko Ono that broke up The Beatles. I think it was Paul’s insistence on leaving the toilet seat up.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, Flintstone Chewable Vitamins were everywhere! It got so bad that two of my classmates overdosed on Barneys.

Thought of the Day

I went downtown the other day to renew my driver’s license – and the clerk said he wanted to see some identification. So I pointed to the speaker over my head. “This is Ed Sheeran,” I said.

Thought of the Day

People always want to know which came first – the chicken or the egg. I don’t care about that, really. I just want to know which came first – the campfire or the marshmallow.