Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, all the kids in my neighbourhood would avoid Dr. Weaver's place. Nothing wrong with him, really. But I don’t think Dr. Weaver understood the whole concept of Halloween. He used to give out gingivitis.

Thought of the Day

If you’re a stripper, and you put some clothes on, I think that’s grounds for dismissal.

Thought of the Day

Sometimes I feel like I have to be the adult in the room. That’s when I start to wonder – who was I when I wasn’t being the adult in the room?

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… Don’t name your child “Apple” - unless you want them to spend the next forty years on a therapist’s couch.

Thought of the Day

If I was about to be executed, and they offered me a last meal, I wouldn’t ask for steak or lobster. I’d ask for Wisconsin. I’d take me forever just to eat the Green Bay Packers.

Thought of the Day

With the Me Too movement going on, it might be a good time to target Superman. I’m sure Lois would love to know about all the years “Clark” has been using his x-ray vision to check her out.

Thought of the Day

If you’ve got a green thumb, you might want to get that thing looked at.

Thought of the Day

They say if man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings. It’s probably just as well. If man had wings, he’d have an awful time trying to get his pants on in the morning.

Thought of the Day

I finally got over a terrible bout with the Swedish flu the other day. It’s just like the regular flu except I had an uncontrollable urge to go to IKEA.

Thought of the Day

Some people don’t like Mondays. Not me. I have a thing about Shrove Tuesdays.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think there’s any justifiable reason for the U.S. military to still use waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay. All they really have to do is turn on an iHeart radio station. I’d talk too if I had to listen to Cardi B.

Thought of the Day

I got a new tattoo recently. It’s a full body tattoo of me – but older. That might sound a little expensive. But the way I figure it, I can get all the free refills I want now at Red Lobster.

Thought of the Day

The easiest job in the world has got to be courtroom artist. I mean, c’mon. If the court is closed to the public, who’s gonna know if you got the nose wrong?

Thought of the Day

I think if George Washington realized he was going to be famous for chopping down a cherry tree, he would’ve worked out some kind of deal with Ocean Spray.

Thought of the Day

I picked my date up the other night, and let me tell you – her outfit left nothing to the imagination. I guess that’s what happens when you go out with bag ladies.

Thought of the Day

The farmers down the road put their chicken on waivers the other day. Apparently she wasn’t producing.

Thought of the Day

I was reading somewhere that a man in Utah flew a small plane into his own house after he had an argument with his wife. Some people would call that a senseless waste of life. I just think the runway he was building in his backyard should’ve been a giveaway.

Thought of the Day

I’m getting tired of always sitting at the kids’ table. Next time, I’m going to ask if I can sit at their imaginary friends’ table.

Thought of the Day

I think The Marx Brothers would still be hugely popular today if they only had a brother in the act named “Lego.”

Thought of the Day

I had a lot of trouble trying to swallow pills as a child. I guess that’s why it was so easy for me to get into heroin.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why horses aren’t outraged by the game of horseshoes. I don’t know about you. But if I found a bunch of horses throwing my shoes around, I’d be pretty cheesed off.