Scarecrow Speak

Due to "the peppermint schnapps incident," The Scarecrow Report will be closed for the holidays so it can recover an ounce of dignity. Any suggestions about good lawyers would also be most appreciated.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, our family was so poor that my mother had to get really creative when it came to making dinner. Man, that girl could knit a mean fried chicken.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think people should be hanging their stockings by the fire for Santa to find on Christmas Eve. You see – Santa is into that kind of thing.

Thought of the Day

Man, times have really changed with COVID. I remember the days when you could go to England, and they’d serve you fish and chips wrapped in newspaper. Not any more. I went back there recently, and all the fish have resigned.

Thought of the Day

If someone tried to strangle one of The Beach Boys, I wouldn’t call that assault. I’d call that a crime against Love.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know where people got the cockamamie idea that former vice-president Al Gore invented the Internet. But it was probably the Internet.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re Godzilla, and you’re planning to attack Tokyo, don’t feel guilty if you end up eating too many Japanese civilians. When you eat Japanese, you’re only going to feel hungry in another hour anyway.

Thought of the Day

Look, I have no problem eating crow. It’s the eight hours on the can that bothers me.

Thought of the Day

Ringo Starr is really a prince of a guy. He’s a sweet talker. He has a wicked sense of humour. He’s even got a helluva smile, when he wants to turn it on. But I’m still not going to untie his hands 'til I’m good and ready.

Thought of the Day

I almost got married once. But she didn’t believe in marriage. And I didn’t believe I could marry a woman from Ceti Alpha 5.

Thought of the Day

Before he changed it in the 1950s, billion-dollar fashion designer Ralph Lauren went by his real name: “Ralph Lipschitz.” Maybe it’s just me. But I think he made the right decision.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, my dad bought a phone that looked like a banana. He thought it was a great joke. But he couldn’t understand why my aunt in B.C. never returned his calls. Turns out, my aunt bought a phone that looked like a bunch of grapes. Only she could never figure out which grape to answer.

Thought of the Day

Elvis Presley – the King of Rock and Roll – died in 1977 after years of prescription drug abuse. If you ask me, that’s going a little too far to try and avoid disco.

Thought of the Day

They always say something is “better than a kick in the head.” I don’t know about you – but I wouldn’t mind getting a kick in the head. As long as it was done by a small member of the rodent family.

Thought of the Day

I’m not big in Japan. But I am pretty impressive in Bangladesh.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I thought I’d check my sofa to see if anything had fallen beneath the cushions. I didn’t find any loose change. But I did find Kenny Loggins. I always wondered what happened after Vox Humana.

Thought of the Day

Not many people know that back in the early-1970s, popcorn mogul Orville Redenbacher made an unsuccessful attempt to get into the birth control market. It’s probably just as well. His Orville “Reddy-for-Action” condoms were only available in two flavours – jalapeno and classic movie butter.

Thought of the Day

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your instant oatmeal takes three minutes to make.

Thought of the Day

I think doctors would save an awful lot of money if they got rid of tongue depressors. If they really want to put your tongue down, all they have to do is turn on some Morrissey.