Thought of the Day

You might be surprised to hear I’ve got a personal chauffeur. He might not be the friendliest guy in the world. But he always gets me where I want to go. As long as I show him my bus pass.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you’re making Jiffy Pop popcorn, always remember to cook it on the stove. Never use the microwave. I tried that once. It took me a day and a half to pull all the tin foil out of my face.

Thought of the Day

Over the years, countless activists, diplomats and world leaders have been fortunate enough to win the Nobel Peace Prize. I actually won the Snowball Peace Prize. It’s just like the Nobel Peace Prize, except it disappears as soon as you get it home.

Thoughts of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being The Invisible Man. Oh sure. Sneaking around, going on secret adventures – that would be all right. But man, you’d have a helluva time trying to shave in the morning.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my minister told me he bought an organ that’s 14 feet high. I think he’s going to need a new pair of pants for that.

Thought of the Day

Back in 1966, Star Trek said it was going to go on a five-year mission. It’s been 56 years now. I think Star Trek should take a hint.

Thought of the Day

Global warming and the coronavirus pandemic are two of the biggest challenges we’ve ever had to face in human history. But if you ask me, what the world really needs to figure out is how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I learned from watching Mr. Dressup, it’s that it’s okay to hang out with little children as long as Mrs. Dressup isn’t around.

Thought of the Day

I think training a dog would be considerably easier if we had the ability to explain to them that humans can put animals down whenever they want to.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Ernie went to a psychic fair one time and decided to get his fortune told. The fortune teller told him he should start making plans because a huge amount of money was about to come his way. Ernie got so excited he ran out and bought himself a dozen lottery tickets. Sadly, things didn’t go according to plan. Two weeks later, Ernie got run over by a Brinks truck.

Thought of the Day

There’s a reason why birds always fly south for the winter. They can’t afford to fly coach.

Thought of the Day

The way I look at it, putting Larry in The Three Stooges is like putting a stick of celery in a Blood Mary. It’s not really necessary. But I’m sure it sounded like a good idea at the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been blessed with a healthy-looking complexion. I’m so pale I went to the mall the other day and three people tried to check me for a pulse.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl went ice fishing over the weekend. I don’t know what kind of bait Karl was using. But I’m sure he’s never going to use it again. Karl caught double pneumonia.

Thought of the Day

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably time to adopt.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother once told me that when she was growing up, they’d never lock their doors at night. That makes perfect sense to me. Who’d want to steal a TV set? Back then they were the size of Volkswagens!

Thought of the Day

I was reading that restaurants in Japan like to serve fugu – a blowfish that’s so poisonous, you can die if it’s not cooked properly. Wow. And I thought you were taking your life in your hands by ordering the beef burrito at Taco Bell.

Thought of the Day

My dog just turned six-years-old today. That would make him about 42 in dog years. I think that means he’s old enough to go out and get a job.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure prison inmates must have a hard time watching Hockey Night In Canada. They’re doing ten years for assault with a deadly weapon, and some multi-millionaire just got five minutes for doing the exact same thing.

Thought of the Day

I think the chicken farmer down the road loves his job a little bit too much. You wouldn’t believe the beaks in that family.

Thought of the Day

Some people wonder why I keep buying Grape-Nuts cereal. I don’t care if it’s good for me or anything. I just want to find all these grapes and nuts they keep talking about.