Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip... If you’re graduating from Starfleet Academy, and your first starship assignment involves wearing a red shirt, you might want to say “no.”

Thought of the Day

Hollywood legend Charlton Heston won an Academy Award for playing the title role in 1959’s Ben-Hur. And I understand his family would’ve got a princely sum for it at auction after Heston died in 2008. But they just couldn’t pry it from his cold, dead hands.

Thought of the Day

I was walking along the beach one day, when I spotted a bottle bobbing in the water. And there was a note inside. I thought it might be somebody in trouble. Maybe a castaway stranded on a desert island. Turns out, it was just Charlie Sheen looking for someone to save his career.

Thought of the Day

If your local 7-Eleven was off the beaten path, does that mean it’d be an inconvenience store?

Thought of the Day

The Rolling Stones just announced they’ll be playing a brand new slate of concerts this year at dozens of stadiums and amphitheatres worldwide. It’s all part of their ongoing No Filter Tour. Or as I like to call it, the Antiques Roadshow.

Thought of the Day

Sure, the Bat-Signal sounds like a great idea. But if Commissioner Gordon really wants to get a hold of Batman, why doesn’t he just send him a text?

Thought of the Day

I just bought an old black and white TV set. It’s working great so far. The only problem is when I turn on the ball game, I can’t see the colour commentators.

Thought of the Day

I was driving around the other day and noticed a store that had a sign out front that said, “Live Bait For Sale.” So I went inside. “Can I help you?” the guy asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Have you got Live Bait’s new album?”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know much about horseflies, really. All I know is it must be impossible to get your feet into those little stirrups.

Thought of the Day

Why can’t Apple get their iPhones right the first time? I’m sure some day you’ll hear your friend say, “Hey man – have you got the iPhone Billion? It beats the pants off iPhone Gazillion!”

Thought of the Day

Scarlet Johansson is easy on the eyes. So are my new contacts.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got divorced from his wife recently. She’d really broken his heart. She’d also broken his golf clubs, his bone china, and his limited edition of The Allman Brothers’ Eat A Peach.