Thought of the Day

It seems like Canadians are more divided than ever on the Royal Family these days. According to a new Angus Reid poll, 48% of Canadians think we should cut all ties with Buckingham Palace, 46% feel the Queen is an important part of our heritage, and 6% want to hear a little April Wine.

Thought of the Day

When I was opening a new jar of peanut butter, I thought it might feel threatened by the knife. So I had to defuse the situation. “Look, I’m not going to hurt you,” I said. “I just want to spread you on some toast.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being a lumberjack. It’s not climbing trees or swinging an axe that bothers me. It’s just that flannel makes me chafe like a grizzly.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend must think she’s a scratch-and-win ticket. Every time I try to tell her where I was last night, all she says is: “Try again.”

Thought of the Day

I was walking across a bridge one time when I noticed an old man leaning heavily over the rail. I thought something might be wrong so I ran up to help. That’s when I realized the old man was looking at a big guy splashing around in the murky river below. “What’s going on?” I asked. The old man shrugged me off with a wave of his hand. “Ah, nothing,” he said. “It’s just Walter under the bridge.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve never had my appendix removed. That’s why I’m suing my surgeon for everything he’s got.

Thought of the Day

If I was living in the Old West, and wanted to strike fear into the hearts of bad men and desperados everywhere, call me crazy – but the name “Hopalong” Cassidy wouldn’t be high on my list.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you ever forget where you put your car keys, you might want to give Pepperidge Farm a call. Because Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Thought of the Day

I was listening to my old Luba records on the weekend. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to early ‘80s music or anything. I just wanted a good reason to say the word “Luba.”

Thought of the Day

The accordion is one of the oldest bellows-driven musical instruments in the world – nearly 200-years-old in fact. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. The accordion actually derives its name from the German phrase “nein der korden,” meaning “not getting laid.”

Thought of the Day

Over the winter, I tried playing goal for our rec hockey league. But I couldn’t save a thing. I guess I should’ve switched to Geico.

Thought of the Day

My dog hates it when I try and brush his teeth. Luckily, he really seems to love the new toothpaste I bought for him. It’s Spicy Mailman flavour.

Thought of the Day

People always say, “It’s the best thing since sliced bread.” Really? Is that as far as we’ve come as a society? Curing polio… Splitting the atom, maybe? Nope! These are secondary to wanting to spread Skippy on two pieces of Wonder.

Thought of the Day

Jon Bon Jovi must’ve been pretty poor growing up. His parents couldn’t even afford to give him an “H.”

Thought of the Day

People say cards are a great way to relax. I see what they mean. The last time I was playing cards, everyone kept saying, “Go fish.” It took us six weeks just to finish one hand.

Thought of the Day

I saw Mike Love in concert recently – and I wasn’t impressed. Don’t get me wrong. He put on a great show. But he was wearing these tiny little shorts. Let’s just say I got to see a lot more of the Beach Boys than I really wanted to.

Thought of the Day

I was never a big fan of “Show & Tell” when I was a kid. I’m not sure what turned me off exactly. But it might’ve been the time Leon Schlesinger came to class one day and told us, “This is a poison ivy.”

Thought of the Day

I got thrown out of the public swimming pool on the weekend for trying to pick up three girls. I argued with the lifeguard that I was a taxpayer, and had a perfect right to enjoy the pool like everyone else. Besides, where else was I going to break in my new fishing rod?

Thought of the Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Robert Palmer didn’t mean to turn you on.

Thought of the Day

For nearly 300 years, British soldiers always used to wear red coats so they could hide bloodstains when they were wounded in battle. Now, I don’t know about you. But if it was me, and I saw hordes of French troops charging at me with sabres and bayonets, I’d rather wear some brown corduroys.

Thought of the Day

These survey takers are really getting out of hand. I was downtown the other day, and one of them asked me if I had any spare change. So, what the hell. I said, “Yes.”

Thought of the Day

Two can play at that game. Unless that game happens to be bridge.