Thought of the Day

I took up crocheting a few months ago, and I’m really getting the hang of it. In fact, I can make just about anything now. Quilts, slippers, potholders – you name it. You want to know how to make a tea cozy? That’s easy. Give it a scarf for Christmas.

Thought of the Day

Back in college, I used to give my dog Sparky a little weed now and then. I can’t say I’m real proud of myself. These days, Sparky’s out on tour with The Grateful Dead.

Thought of the Day

If Captain America’s shield is so indestructible, why didn’t the military make him an entire suit instead?

Thought of the Day

I think I’d like to try skydiving some day. If I wasn’t so allergic to dying.

Thought of the Day

I noticed a guy wearing shorts and sandals the other day – in zero-degree weather. I guess he didn’t hear about the latest invention. It’s called pants.

Thought of the Day

When Jimmy Doohan – the actor who played "Scotty" on TV’s Star Trek – died, he apparently had his ashes shot into space. I wouldn’t call that a burial myself. I’d call that typecasting.

Thought of the Day

Some people want to be the straw that stirs the drink. I’d rather be the one who owns the straw.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you move to Tokyo, and happen to get attacked by Godzilla, I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. It’s probably just a guy in a big rubber suit.

Thought of the Day

I was talking to a fish at a party the other day. So I asked him where he lived. He said, “In the water, dumbass.”

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how time keeps slipping away. I think I’ll have to invest in some Velcro.