Thought of the Day

You’re supposed to make a wish when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. My wish actually came true once! I wished that everyone at the table would catch influenza.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a 29-year-old woman has been charged for posing as a teenager at a New Jersey high school. I don’t know what kind of jail time she’s looking at. But I’d think going to high school would be punishment enough.

Thought of the Day

Back in my car selling days, one of my first customers was a circus clown. This guy had his heart set on a little green coupe we had on the lot. I tried my damnedest to upsell him from a two-door to a nice four-door sedan. But he wasn’t interested. All he really wanted was a little legroom for his wife. And his 38 friends.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always wondered why Hershey’s called its candy bar – Almond Joy. I guess “Almond Louise” just didn’t catch on.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to be associated with the Communist Party. I love a party as much as the next guy.

Thought of the Day

I just read a new study that says 70% of husbands feel they’re getting enough sex. Unfortunately, 65% of wives wonder why their husbands keep getting calls from a girl named “Ruby.”

Thought of the Day

I went to the zoo the other day to check out some of the world’s most endangered creatures. And I must've spent an hour waiting to see the most popular exhibit. It’s a guy who still has iPhone 7.

Thought of the Day

If we use ranch dressing in the city, what kind of dressing do they use out in the country?

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Eugene was a real visionary. You might not have heard his name before. But he was the first man to use chicken wire to fence in goats.

Thought of the Day

I think buying a trampoline for a kangaroo would be a complete waste of time.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my grandpa told me he wanted to be buried at sea. I said, “There’s no dirt out at sea. So technically we wouldn’t be burying you. We’d just be throwing you overboard.” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve noticed when an airliner crashes, the only thing that seems to survive is the black box. That’s why, the next time I book a flight, I’m going to make sure I reserve a seat in the black box section.

Thought of the Day

When the Indians used to send smoke signals out in the desert, I wonder if they were just trying to place an order at Dairy Queen.

Thought of the Day

I had a date with destiny the other day. Unfortunately, she left me with the cheque.

Thought of the Day

Here’s something few people know… During World War II, Adolf Hitler had a little terrier named Mr. Giggles. Mr. Giggles was said to be the love of Hitler’s life, and they often took long walks together through the parks of Berlin. By all accounts, their affection for one another was a wonder to see. Sadly, Mr. Giggles had trouble catching a Frisbee. So Hitler had him executed by firing squad.

Thought of the Day

Some people have their own greenhouse – not me. I have a magenta house. There’s only one problem though. It confuses the hell out of my begonias.

Thought of the Day

Before cheese makers get their diploma, do they have to learn how to cut the cheese?

Thought of the Day

If “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is all about anti-commercialism, then why do they always sell it at stores?

Thought of the Day

I know they say a dog is man’s best friend. But I think my dog is taking things a little bit too far. Last week, he wanted me to help him break out of prison.

Thought of the Day

There’s been so much crime in my neighbourhood lately, I went and bought a Superman signal watch. I couldn’t afford a real one so I picked up a cheap knock-off from Korea. I guess I should’ve known better. The only thing my watch can do is call Jimmy Olsen.

Thought of the Day

I went to the doctor’s the other day and he said, “Looks like you’ve got the big C.” I said, “What? Cobbler??” He told me to get out.

Thought of the Day

I think they should bring back public stonings. Not that I’m a fan of capital punishment or anything. I just think it’d be a good way to get an aerobic workout.