Thought of the Day

Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon never did have any luck finding the fabled “Fountain of Youth.” But I’m sure, when he got back home, he threw on some Grecian Formula just to screw with his buddies.

Thought of the Day

I don’t have a problem with using needle nose pliers. I just don’t understand why they went and named them after a Dick Tracy character.

Thought of the Day

I can see why they call it “Wonder Bread.” Every time I’m eating some, I wonder why the hell I bought it.

Thought of the Day

I took a first aid course last summer and ended up really making the moves on this hot new chick there. Too bad her name was Resusci Annie.

Thought of the Day

My dog always gets pissed off when I put on my Cat Stevens records.

Thought of the Day

If The Amazing Kreskin and I went shopping, and he forgot where he’d parked the car, that would be totally unacceptable.

Thought of the Day

I don’t have an axe to grind. I’ve got a hatchet. It’s much easier to carry around.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t “The Rock” be a perfect spokesman for Cialis?

Thought of the Day

I think Simon Le Bon should be ashamed of himself for coming up with a name like “Duran Duran.” All he’s doing is making life difficult for stutterers.

Thought of the Day

I got on the bus the other day and sat down next to an old guy doing a crossword puzzle. “Hey, Mack,” he said, “this one’s got me stumped. What’s a five letter word for aquariums?” “Tanks,” I said. The old guy just smiled at me and said, “You’re welcome!” I went and found another seat.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is always looking for ways to save money. One time, instead of buying his girlfriend an engagement ring, he bought her a giant foam hand that said: “You’re Number One!” I guess she wasn’t too thrilled about it. Karl spent that winter in the hospital.

Thought of the Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but nobody loves you. Not even your cat.

Thought of the Day

I think cows would make a lot more purchases if they had a decent place to keep their wallet.