Thought of the Day

I worked in the lost and found department at Kmart once – but it got old really fast. All the employees kept dropping in looking for their self-respect.

Thought of the Day

I met a werewolf at a party the other day and asked him what his name was. He said, “Harry.” “Of course, you are,” I said.

Thought of the Day

My Venus flytrap is a bit of a picky eater. He won’t catch any flies unless they’ve been dipped in Grey Poupon.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people feel so compelled to wear a Fitbit to monitor how much exercise they’re doing. I’ve got an UnFitbit. It’s just like a Fitbit – except it tells me how much exercise I’m not doing.

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need the flight attendants to tell me when lunch is being served. I just need to know where I can set up my hibachi.

Thought of the Day

Last night, the traffic was so bad getting to the movies – I was beside myself. Unfortunately, that meant I had to pay double to get in the show.

Thought of the Day

People tell me it was a waste of time graduating with a degree in micromanagement. I thought it was pretty rewarding myself. Can’t say I was thrilled with my diploma though. You can only see it with a microscope.

Thought of the Day

Bugs Bunny is the only cartoon character I know who can make it look fun to be a transvestite.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere. So last week I took her down to the post office and mailed her to Florida.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Jesus was cheesed off when he rose from the dead and discovered everyone was just sitting around eating chocolate Easter eggs.

Thought of the Day

Dogs just aren’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, I asked my dog what he thought of The Godfather movies. He said he liked Pacino but thought Coppola was highly overrated.

Thought of the Day

If “ifs and buts” were “candies and nuts,” the world would be a very strange place.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been looking all over the place for a good pair of gardening hoes. Lucky for me I found them on the corner.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why Pete Best was kicked out of The Beatles. I mean, if you’re looking for the best drummer out there, you can’t do any better than that.

Thought of the Day

If someone burned down a banjo factory, I wouldn’t consider that a crime. I’d call that a public service.