Thought of the Day

I often wonder how wild antelopes figure out who their friends are. I guess their mothers must take them out to the watering hole and say, “Now, honey – you stay away from that tiger over there... He ate Uncle Lucius!”

Thought of the Day

I’ve been watching a lot of old-time westerns lately. And there doesn’t seem to be many qualifications if you want to join a cattle drive. As far as I can tell, all you need is a horse and know how to yell “Yip-pee!”

Thought of the Day

I tried eating chocolate covered ants once. They were actually pretty good! But then I thought – I really have to stop fooling around with my fondue set.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the worst thing about being a Siamese twin is having to wait around while the other one takes a dump.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never quite understood why pirates always have a peg leg. I guess when you go in for the job interview, the first thing they ask you is: “Do you have one leg or two?”

Thought of the Day

I finally had to break up with my girlfriend last week. I wasn’t planning to – but I felt something kept coming between us... She had a mole the size of Rhode Island.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re married to the fat lady at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and she asks you, “Do these pants make me look fat?” you’re supposed to say “yes.”

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them red-headed woodpeckers. Your head would be red too if you kept hitting it against a tree all the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been much of a swinger myself. But I am partial to the monkey bars.

Thought of the Day

I was over at my girlfriend’s place one time and started snacking out of a tray sitting in her kitchen. She came back in the room. “This trail mix is really crunchy,” I said. My girlfriend just frowned at me. “You’re eating out of the cat box,” she said.

Thought of the Day

Newfoundland didn’t decide to join Canada until 1949 – 82 years after the other provinces. I think if Canada knew it was going to take that long for Newfoundland to make up its mind, it should’ve asked Poland instead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you finally get the chance to meet your hot next door neighbour, don’t introduce yourself as “that scruffy-looking guy who’s been stalking you.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Seal’s real name is Henry Olusegun Adeola Samuel. Personally, I prefer “Seal.”

Thought of the Day

I noticed the Secret Service were mentioned on the news the other day. I guess that means they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job.

Thought of the Day

I think my goldfish has been embezzling from me. To be honest, I don’t have any real proof. But the other day I was looking at my Disney Plus invoice and noticed someone had rented The Little Mermaid – three times.

Thought of the Day

I always carry a pocket mirror around with me. Not to fix my hair or anything. I just hold it up to my mouth to make sure I’m still breathing.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new job as a store detective at The Bay so we decided to get caught up after work. “How’d your day go?” I asked. “Well, “ Karl said, “I had a big mess in the underwear department.” I just looked at him. “That’s more than I needed to know,” I said.