Thought of the Day

I think my dentist must be looking for more patients. I can tell because the other day I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for my appointment, and a tumbleweed rolled by.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you go into a barbershop at a nudist colony, and want a little off the top, don’t forget to be more specific.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many people were badly injured trying to invent the first stick of dynamite.

Thought of the Day

I was the best man at my friend Karl’s wedding. But I could tell his marriage was never going to last. When the church service started, and the young couple approached the altar, the minister made Karl take his headphones off.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t K.D. Lang be the perfect spokesperson for Kraft Dinner?

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we had this little Siamese cat named Lucky. In retrospect, it might not have been the best name for him. Lucky got hit by a Mexican doing 80 in a Chrysler Cordoba.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that they were trying to build the world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Tokyo – but it got cancelled. Apparently, the construction crews got as far as the 160th floor until God said, “Hey – cut it out.”

Thought of the Day

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what the hell does a banana do?

Thought of the Day

Everyone’s been protesting the U.S. tariffs lately by refusing to buy American products. So I’ve been doing my part... The other day, I stopped buying New England Clam Chowder – and bought some Newfoundland Clam Chowder instead. Fortunately, it’s just like New England Clam Chowder, except it tastes like Joey Smallwood.

Thought of the Day

My parakeet and I were watching TV the other night when I decided to turn on an episode of Scooby Doo. I was only a few minutes into the show when my parakeet looked over at me and said, “Who ever heard of a dog that can talk?”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if one-humped camels ever think about getting a hump transplant.