Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I gave my friend Jonas a dollar. I finally asked him when he was going to pay me back. He said, “When the cows come home.” Now, whenever I hear a cow moo, I get excited.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a drag race the other day – and it was really close. RuPaul won by a nose.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always liked the “Happy Birthday” song. That’s why I went out and bought the album.

Thought of the Day

Carmen Miranda was one of the biggest Latin American stars of the ‘40s and ‘50s. She sang. She danced. She performed in over a dozen Hollywood movies. But that first meeting with her agent must’ve been tough. I mean, what do you say when your manager asks: “How do you feel about wearing fruit salad on your head?"

Thought of the Day

I walked through my house the other day and found four houseflies hanging around. So I started charging them rent.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the jet boat should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

People are always flying flags at half-mast when someone dies. So, the other day, I noticed an old man putting his Canadian flag at half-mast. I stopped to ask him who’d passed away. He said, “Queen Elizabeth.” “But Queen Elizabeth died three years ago,” I said. “I know,” he said. “That’s how long it took me to afford the pole.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many times Barry Gibb has had a weak moment and bought a can of Gillette Foamy at Walgreens.