Thought of the Day

People say cards are a great way to relax. I see what they mean. The last time I was playing cards, everyone kept saying, “Go fish.” It took us six weeks just to finish one hand.

Thought of the Day

I saw Mike Love in concert recently – and I wasn’t impressed. Don’t get me wrong. He put on a great show. But he was wearing these tiny little shorts. Let’s just say I got to see a lot more of the Beach Boys than I really wanted to.

Thought of the Day

I was never a big fan of “Show & Tell” when I was a kid. I’m not sure what turned me off exactly. But it might’ve been the time Leon Schlesinger came to class one day and told us, “This is a poison ivy.”

Thought of the Day

I got thrown out of the public swimming pool on the weekend for trying to pick up three girls. I argued with the lifeguard that I was a taxpayer, and had a perfect right to enjoy the pool like everyone else. Besides, where else was I going to break in my new fishing rod?

Thought of the Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but Robert Palmer didn’t mean to turn you on.

Thought of the Day

For nearly 300 years, British soldiers always used to wear red coats so they could hide bloodstains when they were wounded in battle. Now, I don’t know about you. But if it was me, and I saw hordes of French troops charging at me with sabres and bayonets, I’d rather wear some brown corduroys.

Thought of the Day

These survey takers are really getting out of hand. I was downtown the other day, and one of them asked me if I had any spare change. So, what the hell. I said, “Yes.”

Thought of the Day

Two can play at that game. Unless that game happens to be bridge.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip... If you’re graduating from Starfleet Academy, and your first starship assignment involves wearing a red shirt, you might want to say “no.”

Thought of the Day

Hollywood legend Charlton Heston won an Academy Award for playing the title role in 1959’s Ben-Hur. And I understand his family would’ve got a princely sum for it at auction after Heston died in 2008. But they just couldn’t pry it from his cold, dead hands.

Thought of the Day

I was walking along the beach one day, when I spotted a bottle bobbing in the water. And there was a note inside. I thought it might be somebody in trouble. Maybe a castaway stranded on a desert island. Turns out, it was just Charlie Sheen looking for someone to save his career.

Thought of the Day

If your local 7-Eleven was off the beaten path, does that mean it’d be an inconvenience store?

Thought of the Day

The Rolling Stones just announced they’ll be playing a brand new slate of concerts this year at dozens of stadiums and amphitheatres worldwide. It’s all part of their ongoing No Filter Tour. Or as I like to call it, the Antiques Roadshow.

Thought of the Day

Sure, the Bat-Signal sounds like a great idea. But if Commissioner Gordon really wants to get a hold of Batman, why doesn’t he just send him a text?

Thought of the Day

I just bought an old black and white TV set. It’s working great so far. The only problem is when I turn on the ball game, I can’t see the colour commentators.

Thought of the Day

I was driving around the other day and noticed a store that had a sign out front that said, “Live Bait For Sale.” So I went inside. “Can I help you?” the guy asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Have you got Live Bait’s new album?”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know much about horseflies, really. All I know is it must be impossible to get your feet into those little stirrups.

Thought of the Day

Why can’t Apple get their iPhones right the first time? I’m sure some day you’ll hear your friend say, “Hey man – have you got the iPhone Billion? It beats the pants off iPhone Gazillion!”

Thought of the Day

Scarlet Johansson is easy on the eyes. So are my new contacts.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got divorced from his wife recently. She’d really broken his heart. She’d also broken his golf clubs, his bone china, and his limited edition of The Allman Brothers’ Eat A Peach.