Thought of the Day

I always carry a pocket mirror around with me. Not to fix my hair or anything. I just hold it up to my mouth to make sure I’m still breathing.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new job as a store detective at The Bay so we decided to get caught up after work. “How’d your day go?” I asked. “Well, “ Karl said, “I had a big mess in the underwear department.” I just looked at him. “That’s more than I needed to know,” I said.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand the band U2. Their members are Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. They should call themselves U4.

Thought of the Day

The other night I was driving through the country when a huge spaceship suddenly landed in front of me – and two aliens stepped out. I thought they were going to ask me to take them to my leader or something. Turns out, they just wanted to know where they could find the nearest Hooters.

Thought of the Day

I had an Aunt Shirl once who thought she was a racehorse. So my Uncle Sid finally took her to see a psychiatrist. My uncle would’ve got Shirl in sooner – but he couldn’t find anyone who wanted to ride her at Santa Anita.

Thought of the Day

I think men would trade places with a cat in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with licking their own balls.

Thought of the Day

I think the weatherman on Channel 4 is starting to get sick of his job. The other day, I tried turning on his weather forecast, and all I heard him say was: “Look out your fucking window.”

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?

Thought of the Day

My buddy set me up on a blind date once. I must admit, I got a lot more action than I anticipated. Who knew Helen Keller was such a good kisser?

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Cap’n Crunch had no business being in the military.

Thought of the Day

Well, looks like Alec Baldwin is going back to court. But it’s not over the shooting on the set of Rust. I guess he’s being sued for starring in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.

Thought of the Day

I’m not too concerned about artificial intelligence taking over the world. The way I figure it, AI can’t screw things up any worse than we did already.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I remember my mother told me once that the moon is made of green cheese. But I knew she was lying. If the moon was really made of green cheese, someone would’ve thrown it out by now.

Thought of the Day

O.J. Simpson died of cancer the other day at the age of 76. It’s too bad he didn’t live a little longer. Maybe then he could’ve found the real killers.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Ernie started a dog walking service once but it didn’t work out very well. He let the dogs out for a walk and they never came back.

Thought of the Day

Back in my college days, I used to go out with a girl who worked at Minute Maid. Man – I could tell you some juicy stories.

Thought of the Day

Every country is famous for something. The Swiss have their chocolate. Germany is highly admired for its beer. It’s too bad the only thing Greece is known for is John Travolta.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why ranchers brand their cattle so they can identify them. I think it’d be much easier if they just gave them a nametag.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I tried inhaling helium from a balloon once so I could get a funny voice - and my voice stuck that way! I was pretty alarmed about it, and my parents took immediate action. They started renting me out for children’s birthday parties.

Thought of the Day

My Uncle Harry joined an astronaut training program once. He wasn’t interested in exploring the infinite mysteries of space or anything. He was just trying to get away from his wife and kids.