Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need some flight attendant to tell me how to use my seat as a floatation device. I just need to know where I can store my pontoon boat.

Thought of the Day

I threw a quarter into a wishing well the other day – and made a wish – but nothing happened. Now I just wish I had my quarter back.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Louie has always been fond of dogs. I guess that’s what finally got him arrested.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them “dust bunnies.” When I look under my furniture, they always seem to be multiplying.

Thought of the Day

Do you want to know how to make your own goat milk? It's easy. You just buy a carton of oat milk and write a “G” on it.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl always tells me his first marriage fell apart because his wife couldn’t stand his cologne. And I can kinda see where she’s coming from. Karl’s favourite cologne is called “Hawaiian Drug Dealer.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how wild antelopes figure out who their friends are. I guess their mothers must take them out to the watering hole and say, “Now, honey – you stay away from that tiger over there... He ate Uncle Lucius!”

Thought of the Day

I’ve been watching a lot of old-time westerns lately. And there doesn’t seem to be many qualifications if you want to join a cattle drive. As far as I can tell, all you need is a horse and know how to yell “Yip-pee!”

Thought of the Day

I tried eating chocolate covered ants once. They were actually pretty good! But then I thought – I really have to stop fooling around with my fondue set.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the worst thing about being a Siamese twin is having to wait around while the other one takes a dump.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never quite understood why pirates always have a peg leg. I guess when you go in for the job interview, the first thing they ask you is: “Do you have one leg or two?”

Thought of the Day

I finally had to break up with my girlfriend last week. I wasn’t planning to – but I felt something kept coming between us... She had a mole the size of Rhode Island.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re married to the fat lady at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and she asks you, “Do these pants make me look fat?” you’re supposed to say “yes.”

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them red-headed woodpeckers. Your head would be red too if you kept hitting it against a tree all the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been much of a swinger myself. But I am partial to the monkey bars.

Thought of the Day

I was over at my girlfriend’s place one time and started snacking out of a tray sitting in her kitchen. She came back in the room. “This trail mix is really crunchy,” I said. My girlfriend just frowned at me. “You’re eating out of the cat box,” she said.

Thought of the Day

Newfoundland didn’t decide to join Canada until 1949 – 82 years after the other provinces. I think if Canada knew it was going to take that long for Newfoundland to make up its mind, it should’ve asked Poland instead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you finally get the chance to meet your hot next door neighbour, don’t introduce yourself as “that scruffy-looking guy who’s been stalking you.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Seal’s real name is Henry Olusegun Adeola Samuel. Personally, I prefer “Seal.”

Thought of the Day

I noticed the Secret Service were mentioned on the news the other day. I guess that means they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job.