Thought of the Day

You can tell that country doctors back in the 1800s really didn’t know what the hell was going on. I came across my great-great-aunt Agnes’ death record the other day, and her doctor claimed that Agnes died from a bad case of “not feeling too perky.”

Thought of the Day

Years ago, my uncle Fred was killed working on a construction site. I guess he only had himself to blame. Instead of wearing a hard hat to work, Uncle Fred wore a soft hat.

Thought of the Day

A good salesman can sell anything – as long as he has the right product. When I go to a ballgame for instance, and a vendor cries, “Cold beer here!” I’m reaching for my wallet. I wouldn't feel quite the same if I heard: “Scoliosis! Get your red hot scoliosis!”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, I’d really like to know what it is.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been that impressed when a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Now, if he pulled out a rabbit from Omicron Ceti 3 that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you want to get served quickly at a high-class restaurant, it’s always a good idea to order the snails. I mean, really. How long can it take to catch them?

Thought of the Day

I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why, sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that The Eagles have decided their current North American tour will be their last. I have only one thing to say to that. Thank you.

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about planting black-eyed Susans in my garden this year. But then I thought, I just don’t feel comfortable promoting spousal abuse.

Thought of the Day

My dog just isn’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, we got in the car, and he didn’t even bother to put on his seatbelt.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think church mice are any quieter than regular mice.

Thought of the Day

I was talking to my grandpa the other day, and he told me that when it’s raining outside that means “the sky is crying.” I asked him, “Well, what does it mean when it’s snowing outside?” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I couldn’t stand “Kool & The Gang.” Not because of their music or anything. I just couldn’t figure out who was “Kool” and who was “The Gang.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had mixed feelings about turtlenecks. My old girlfriend had a turtleneck once. That’s what convinced her to run away and join the circus.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why they keep trying to change the Summer Olympics to attract a younger audience. I was watching the Olympics last night, and they just added a new event – long distance texting.

Thought of the Day

When we played baseball back in high school, they always needed a designated hitter. I never got picked for that job myself. In my case, I was the designated sitter.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re the good guy in an old-time western, and you’re fighting a bad hombre in a saloon, never hit him over the head with a chair. You’re just going to make him mad.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I think groundhogs really have to learn how to share.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them Black Friday sales. I went to a Black Friday sale once and all I ended up with was a black eye.

Thought of the Day

I always feel guilty when I step on a bug. All I can think of is hearing another bug somewhere saying, “Fred – have you seen your father? He should’ve been home by now.”