Thought of the Day

When it’s really nice out, my sister likes to drive with her top down. I guess that’s why she’s always getting arrested.

Thought of the Day

I went and enrolled my dog in a new obedience course. And it’s really going well! In just two weeks, he’s learned how to sit up, roll over, and stay married to Jennifer Lopez.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think Robin Hood was the smartest guy in Sherwood Forest. He’d always rob from the rich and give to the poor. But if he robbed from the rich – then they’d be poor – and he’d just have to bring everything back again.

Thought of the Day

Fishing can be a really dangerous sport. I’ll give you a good example… I caught a fish the other day and he told me to take the hook out of his mouth or he was going to kick my ass.

Thought of the Day

I think the worst job in the world has got to be those goaltenders that play exhibition hockey against Russian President Vladimir Putin. Think of it – you’ve only got two options. Let Putin score eight goals. Or never see your wife and kids again.

Thought of the Day

I had a really bad cough once when I was a kid, and my parents told me to take some cough medicine. I tried it for a while – but my cough didn’t go away. So I sued them both for malpractice.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me. But I don’t think you should be allowed to wear work gloves if you’re on unemployment.

Thought of the Day

I went over to my grandpa’s house the other day and he made us a big pitcher of lemonade. “Now,” he said, “what this really needs is some ice cubes.” I said, “Technically, those aren’t cubes. They’re trapezoids.” My grandpa just stared at me. He said, “You’re out of the will. And so is your dog.”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Dolly Parton, and you’ve had all kinds of plastic surgery done, there’s no need to worry about your funeral expenses. When you die, you can just  put yourself in the recycling bin.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always had a serious drinking problem. I can never figure out whether to drink it out of a bottle or a can.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if vampires ever get tired of eating out.

Thought of the Day

I really shouldn’t have got out of bed this morning. I checked my morning horoscope and it said, “You really shouldn’t get out of bed this morning.”

Thought of the Day

You can tell that country doctors back in the 1800s really didn’t know what the hell was going on. I came across my great-great-aunt Agnes’ death record the other day, and her doctor claimed that Agnes died from a bad case of “not feeling too perky.”

Thought of the Day

Years ago, my uncle Fred was killed working on a construction site. I guess he only had himself to blame. Instead of wearing a hard hat to work, Uncle Fred wore a soft hat.

Thought of the Day

A good salesman can sell anything – as long as he has the right product. When I go to a ballgame for instance, and a vendor cries, “Cold beer here!” I’m reaching for my wallet. I wouldn't feel quite the same if I heard: “Scoliosis! Get your red hot scoliosis!”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, I’d really like to know what it is.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been that impressed when a magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Now, if he pulled out a rabbit from Omicron Ceti 3 that would really be something.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you want to get served quickly at a high-class restaurant, it’s always a good idea to order the snails. I mean, really. How long can it take to catch them?

Thought of the Day

I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why, sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that The Eagles have decided their current North American tour will be their last. I have only one thing to say to that. Thank you.