Thought of the Day

I don’t get why the Italians are so proud of a historical blunder like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. That’d be like the Germans saying, “Hey, remember that whole Nazi thing? It had its moments.”

Thought of the Day

I’m not sure what the Caramilk Secret is. But I’m sure the Russians will find out sooner or later.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip... Never mess with a man who’s carrying a firearm. Unless his name is Yosemite Sam. I mean, c’mon. The worst he’s going to do is say, “Great horny toads!”

Thought of the Day

I like to go over to my grandparents’ place and tell them that when I was a kid, I had everything.

Thought of the Day

You can tell King Kong must’ve been desperate for attention. I mean, why else would he climb to the top of the Empire State Building? He could just as easily climbed up a Piggly Wiggly.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I always dreamed of running away and joining the circus. Unfortunately, I ended up walking away and joining the office.

Thought of the Day

I think Sports Illustrated should try launching a new “Overalls Issue.” I’m sure it would go over big in Montana.

Thought of the Day

If God appeared before me, and I had the chance to ask him one question, I wouldn’t bother with the meaning of life or anything. I’d want to know, “What was the deal with the second Darrin on Bewitched?”

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the spider monkey should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading the Doomsday Clock is only 100 seconds away from striking midnight. Does that mean it’s too late to call Bruce Willis?

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle eating a tongue sandwich. It would be unsettling trying to figure out who’s tasting who.

Thought of the Day

Bungee jumping used to be a really big deal back in the day. Now you don’t hear a thing! I think that’s because all the people who loved bungee jumping are lying at the bottom of a ravine somewhere.

Thought of the Day

They say you can always start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. I think that theory would work perfectly, if the two sticks happened to be matches.

Thought of the Day

Watching an Adam Sandler movie can be a pleasant way to spend an evening. Oddly enough, it’s also a helpful way to get your hostage to talk.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why everyone’s out to get Uncle Ben and his rice. Don’t they know he’s the reason Peter Parker became Spiderman?

Thought of the Day

People always say, “It’s a free country.” Those same people obviously didn’t get a look at my Visa bill.

Thought of the Day

It’s too bad an elephant never forgets. That means there’s absolutely no way they can miss the turn to their mother-in-law’s place.

Thought of the Day

They say cockroaches are the only things that could survive a nuclear holocaust. I guess that means Bill Cosby has one less thing to worry about.

Thought of the Day

When I was in high school, my grade nine geometry teacher told me my marks were no laughing matter. I said, “Neither is Carrot Top.” I got extra homework that day.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody and his brother has a Swiss Army knife. I’ve got a KISS Army knife. I don’t use it that much. I just carry it around in case I need to cut off a little bit of Gene and Paul.