Thought of the Day

I took up crocheting a few months ago, and I’m really getting the hang of it. In fact, I can make just about anything now. Quilts, slippers, potholders – you name it. You want to know how to make a tea cozy? That’s easy. Give it a scarf for Christmas.

Thought of the Day

Back in college, I used to give my dog Sparky a little weed now and then. I can’t say I’m real proud of myself. These days, Sparky’s out on tour with The Grateful Dead.

Thought of the Day

If Captain America’s shield is so indestructible, why didn’t the military make him an entire suit instead?

Thought of the Day

I think I’d like to try skydiving some day. If I wasn’t so allergic to dying.

Thought of the Day

I noticed a guy wearing shorts and sandals the other day – in zero-degree weather. I guess he didn’t hear about the latest invention. It’s called pants.

Thought of the Day

When Jimmy Doohan – the actor who played "Scotty" on TV’s Star Trek – died, he apparently had his ashes shot into space. I wouldn’t call that a burial myself. I’d call that typecasting.

Thought of the Day

Some people want to be the straw that stirs the drink. I’d rather be the one who owns the straw.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you move to Tokyo, and happen to get attacked by Godzilla, I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. It’s probably just a guy in a big rubber suit.

Thought of the Day

I was talking to a fish at a party the other day. So I asked him where he lived. He said, “In the water, dumbass.”

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how time keeps slipping away. I think I’ll have to invest in some Velcro.

Thought of the Day

Being a zombie isn’t for everyone. You rot for the rest of eternity. And have an uncontrollable urge to eat human brains. But man, it’s a sweet job if you enjoy going for long walks.

Thought of the Day

I took my car to the shop the other day and the mechanic told me I needed a new muffler. I couldn’t afford that. So we settled on a pair of mittens.

Thought of the Day

I think I’d prefer to get shot at dawn. Getting shot at noon wouldn’t have quite the same ambience.

Thought of the Day

You wouldn’t believe how helpful the people are at McDonald’s. I went up to their counter the other day, and the server said, “Can I help you?” “Sure,” I replied. “Can you tell me who killed Jimmy Hoffa?” He said it was a guy named Tony.

Thought of the Day

I think the game “rock, paper, scissors” gives people with hands an unfair advantage.

Thought of the Day

I had a cast on my leg once but my daughter didn’t want to sign it. She sent me a text instead.

Thought of the Day

The Toronto Maple Leafs just announced they’re only dressing five defensemen for tonight's game. I guess that means the other players are going to freeze their ass off.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But I think someone forgot to do the math over in New Zealand. They’ve been around for 182 years now. That’s what you call “Old Zealand.”

Thought of the Day

If the Lone Ranger rode a tawny-coloured horse, does that mean he’d call him “Bronze”?

Thought of the Day

I hear there’s been a dramatic jump lately in the number of women applying to become ship captains. It all makes perfect sense to me. They’re the ones who’d have first crack at the lifeboats.