Gone Fishin'

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why historians always talk about “Custer’s Last Stand.” I’d much rather hear about Custer’s Second To Last Stand.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been feeling so bitter lately, I think I’m going to put my inner child up for adoption.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Iron Man ever thought about suing The Man of Steel for copyright infringement.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole politically correct thing is getting out of hand. I just read that Disney is working on an updated version of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” now. It’s called “Snow White and the Seven Men of A Certain Height.”

Thought of the Day

I stopped at a bakery last week, and the sign said, “We make the best apple pies in the world.” So I bought one. But when I got it home, the pie was all gummy and undercooked. I took it back to the owner. “This thing is terrible!” I said. “I thought you make the best pies in the world.” The man just shrugged. “I was talking about the planet Neptune,” he said.

Thought of the Day

If Olive Oyl had a wardrobe malfunction, how would you know?

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if sand traps are really necessary on a golf course. But they sure catch a lot of sand.

Thought of the Day

 My friend Karl got a Lamborghini the other day. Fortunately, it isn’t contagious.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my parents tried to save money once by hiring a blind clown named “Chuckles” to entertain at my birthday party. It sounded like a good idea at first. But the only balloon animal Chuckles could do was a snake.

Thought of the Day

I worked in the lost and found department at Kmart once – but it got old really fast. All the employees kept dropping in looking for their self-respect.

Thought of the Day

I met a werewolf at a party the other day and asked him what his name was. He said, “Harry.” “Of course, you are,” I said.

Thought of the Day

My Venus flytrap is a bit of a picky eater. He won’t catch any flies unless they’ve been dipped in Grey Poupon.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people feel so compelled to wear a Fitbit to monitor how much exercise they’re doing. I’ve got an UnFitbit. It’s just like a Fitbit – except it tells me how much exercise I’m not doing.

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need the flight attendants to tell me when lunch is being served. I just need to know where I can set up my hibachi.

Thought of the Day

Last night, the traffic was so bad getting to the movies – I was beside myself. Unfortunately, that meant I had to pay double to get in the show.

Thought of the Day

People tell me it was a waste of time graduating with a degree in micromanagement. I thought it was pretty rewarding myself. Can’t say I was thrilled with my diploma though. You can only see it with a microscope.

Thought of the Day

Bugs Bunny is the only cartoon character I know who can make it look fun to be a transvestite.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere. So last week I took her down to the post office and mailed her to Florida.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Jesus was cheesed off when he rose from the dead and discovered everyone was just sitting around eating chocolate Easter eggs.