I don’t think Robin Hood was the smartest guy in Sherwood
Forest. He’d always rob from the rich and give to the poor. But if he robbed
from the rich – then they’d be poor – and he’d just have to bring everything
back again.
Fishing
can be a really dangerous sport. I’ll give you a good example… I caught a fish
the other day and he told me to take the hook out of his mouth or he was going
to kick my ass.
I think the worst job in the world has got to be those
goaltenders that play exhibition hockey against Russian President Vladimir Putin. Think of it – you’ve
only got two options. Let Putin score eight goals. Or never see your wife and
kids again.
I
had a really bad cough once when I was a kid, and my parents told me to take
some cough medicine. I tried it for a while – but my cough didn’t go away. So I
sued them both for malpractice.
I went over to my grandpa’s house the other day and he
made us a big pitcher of lemonade. “Now,” he said, “what this really needs is
some ice cubes.” I said, “Technically, those aren’t cubes. They’re trapezoids.” My grandpa just stared at me. He said, “You’re out of the will. And so is your dog.”
Here’s
a helpful tip… If your name is Dolly Parton, and you’ve had all kinds of
plastic surgery done, there’s no need to worry about your funeral expenses.
When you die, you can just put yourself in the recycling bin.
You
can tell that country doctors back in the 1800s really didn’t know what the
hell was going on. I came across my great-great-aunt Agnes’ death record the
other day, and her doctor claimed that Agnes died from a bad case of “not
feeling too perky.”
Years
ago, my uncle Fred was killed working on a construction site. I guess he only
had himself to blame. Instead of wearing a hard hat to work, Uncle Fred wore a
soft hat.
A good salesman can sell
anything – as long as he has the right product. When I go to a ballgame for
instance, and a vendor cries, “Cold beer here!” I’m reaching for my wallet. I wouldn't feel quite the same if I heard: “Scoliosis! Get your red hot
scoliosis!”
I’ve never been that impressed when a
magician pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Now, if he pulled out a rabbit from Omicron
Ceti 3 that would really be something.
Here’s a helpful tip… If you want to get served quickly at
a high-class restaurant, it’s always a good idea to order the snails. I mean,
really. How long can it take to catch them?
I went to a bar one night and they had a guy in there
playing this rinky-dink piano. I said, “Hey, do you take requests?” He said, “Why,
sure!” I said, “Why don’t you go play somewhere else?”