Thought of the Day

There’s been a lot of speculation over the years that Sir John A. Macdonald, Canada’s first prime minister, was a hopeless drunk. I don’t have any problem with that myself. I’d always have a jug handy too if I had to deal with Alexander Mackenzie.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my girlfriend told me that she’s always been fascinated by my animal magnetism. That’s when I looked down and realized I was covered in cats.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some news anchor in the States just got fired for saying the N-word. I don’t know about you. But I think this is a rotten world we live in when you can’t even say the word “nachos.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how you’d know if a man went streaking through a nudist colony.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Smedley was one of the richest men in the world. He made all his money selling shoes to caterpillars.

Thought of the Day

My grandfather has never been known for his patience. One time, he tried putting a scarecrow up in his cornfield – and took it down the next day. He thought it was getting a little too “chummy” with the crows.

Thought of the Day

I went to the zoo the other day to play poker with the animals. But I’m never doing that again! I was playing with a cheetah.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that fish live underwater is the rent is pretty reasonable.

Thought of the Day

I have no interest in climbing a famous mountain like Kilimanjaro. Knowing me, I’d probably get to the very top and fall off before I could post anything on Facebook.

Thought of the Day

I really need to clean my pantry out more often. The other day, I was cleaning out my pantry and found a can of boiled squirrel.

Thought of the Day

People seem to think robots can do anything a man can do – only better. I beg to differ on that. I’d like to see a robot try and scratch his balls.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl isn’t allowed at the amusement park anymore. The last time he went, Karl got into a heated argument with a ticket taker over what he considered to be a funhouse.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who the guy is who invented tea. But I wonder how many times he had to drink hot water and leaves before his friends stopped laughing at him.

Thought of the Day

I think a sweet roll is really a matter of opinion.

Thought of the Day

I think the whole stigma about saying the word “fat” is getting a little bit out of hand. The other day, I went to buy a carton of milk at the store and the label said it had “2% Dom DeLuise."

Thought of the Day

My uncle Sid has always been a bit of a cheapskate. One time, he tried to sneak into a ballgame by drawing a chalk line down his back and pretending to be the third base line. Sid lasted four innings before the ushers finally noticed him.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I noticed a seagull sitting down by the river. So I went and asked him why he didn’t live by the sea. He said, “None of your damn business.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think they should raise some money for Yanni so he can afford a last name.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how long it takes Wonder Woman to find the keys to her Invisible Jet.

Thought of the Day

I guess everyone has to be little different. Take my cousin Fred for instance. Everyone on his block has a kidney-shaped pool. But not Fred. He has a liver and onions shaped pool.