scene: A huge backstage dressing room. The place is filled
with wardrobes and discarded clothing. Captain Kirk is pacing the room wearing
black leather pants and a Charles Manson t-shirt that reads: “Bride of Chucky.”
The sounds of a concert can be heard pulsing off in the distance.
kirk: (into his communicator) Captain’s
Log, Stardate 5742.3. The Enterprise has used the light speed breakaway factor
to propel itself backward in time to 20th Century Earth on a historic
fact-finding mission. The year? 1989. Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and I have beamed
down to the planet’s surface, hoping to find a certain Reginald Dwight who- (Spock
appears from the other end of the room wearing blue spandex pants, knee-high
boots and nipple-clamps.)
spock: Captain.
I don’t understand why I have to wear such uncomfortable attire. These pants
ride up in a somewhat delicate area.
kirk: Spock, these are what the kids are
wearing these days. We’d never have got in without these outfits… And the
Vulcan neck pinch.
spock: I would much prefer a turtleneck with some nice
pleated slacks.
kirk: Spock, I told you. Banana Republic was
closed. (Long pause.) What’ve you got there?
spock: (cool) A serious case of the
snuggies, Captain.
kirk: I meant, what’ve you found on Dwight?
spock: (checks his tricorder) Reginald
Kenneth Dwight. Born in Middlesex, England. Goes by the stage epithet, Elton
John. Multi-million dollar pianist. Rock royalty. And, as far as I can tell, (picks
up a gold lamé outfit) Barbra Streisand impersonator.
kirk: Damn. This is more than I’d bargained
for. (flips open his communicator) Kirk to Enterprise. Come in
Enterprise… (The playful laughter of a man and woman comes on. Some mood
music can be heard throbbing in the background.)
scott: (distracted) Aye lassie. That’s
the sweet spot!
kirk: (pause) What in God’s name is
that?
spock: Barry White, Captain. “Can’t Get Enough
Of Your Love, Babe,” if I’m not mistaken.
kirk: Mr. Scott?
scott: (sudden shuffling around and
giggling) Shh, shh! Uh. Captain?
kirk: Mr. Scott. Are you into the dilithium
again?
scott: No. No, sir! We’ve had a wee bit of turbulence up
here. Ensign Craig is just helping me out with the…shuttlecraft.
kirk: Scotty, send down a security detachment.
We’re going to need some back up right away.
scott: Aye, aye, Captain.
kirk: And Scotty!
scott: Sir?
kirk: Whatever you do—don’t forget
to buy the girl breakfast!
scott: (enthused) Sweet, man! I
mean…aye, aye, sir!
kirk: Kirk out. (Puts communicator away.
Spock raises a quizzical eyebrow. Shrugs.) I’ve taught him
everything he knows. Now. If we could just find McCoy... I thought he was out
getting nachos.
spock: Captain, I couldn’t help noticing that-
kirk: Yes, Spock... (gestures around)
If you find some roomy cotton briefs, just help yourself.
spock: No, Captain… I believe the encore has
subsided. (They both stop to listen. There’s the sound of an extended
standing ovation.)
kirk: Quick, Spock! Behind the feather boas! (Kirk and
Spock run for cover. There’s a roar of the crowd as the door opens. Elton John
enters in a red silk and rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit.)
john: (calling outside) You’re
beautiful man, just beautiful! See you guys in ten! ‘Kay? Ta! (Closes the
door as Kirk and Spock step out into the open. Stops.) Oh, for Chrissake! I
told them—no hors d’oeuvres tonight.
kirk: Don’t be confused by our outfits,
sir. We’ve some urgent business to discuss.
john: (steps back) You’re not from the
IRS, are you?
spock: No, sir. Starfleet.
john: What?
kirk: James T. Kirk. Captain of the Starship
Enterprise. (gestures) This is my first officer, Mr. Spock.
john: Right. And I’m the Queen of England!
kirk: So we’ve heard. But never mind that now.
spock: Sir. My people have never had the opportunity to
study a musical luminary, a spiritual figurehead such as yourself. Please. If
you’d be so kind. (offers) Could you sign my shoulder blade?
kirk: (stops him) Spock, please—our mission.
You see, Mr. Dwight-
john: John. The name is Elton John.
kirk: Mr. John, let me explain. We’ve come
from the distant future in order to settle a matter of grave importance to both
the United Federation of Planets and the very sanity of thousands of
civilizations across the untold cosmos. You must tell us. Please. Just what are
the lyrics to “Bennie And The Jets”?
john: (pause) Sorry?
spock: The lyrics. “Hey kids…take it tooth together…the
fathers…” We find it all quite impossible to fathom. We were hoping you could
shed some light on this matter.
john: It’s “Shake it loose together. The
spotlight’s hitting something that’s been known to change the weather.” (Kirk
and Spock exchange curious glances.)
spock: There is no inherent logic in such a statement. You
cannot shake something loose and yet still keep it together.
kirk: And “Keep the patted linebacker…stick
around…” That’s a real head scratcher that one.
john: (irked) It’s “We’ll kill the
fatted calf tonight so”—look,
it doesn’t matter about the bloody lyrics. The fans eat it up! I’ve got 80,000
people out there screaming my name!
kirk: (dreamy) Ahh. Reminds me of that
six-headed shot girl I met out on Rigel Seven…
spock: (long pause) Are you finished,
Captain?
kirk: Just a second. (Long pause.)
Yeah, okay.
john: Screw the grammar lesson, boys! I’m out of here- (Just
then the door swings open and McCoy enters wearing love beads, a pair of
bell-bottoms and a white Nehru jacket. He pulls something out of a bag and
looks it over.)
mccoy: Dammit, Jim. These concert tees are a
rip-off! I paid fifty bucks for this crap and- (Kirk and Spock indicate
John. McCoy turns around.) So. Who’s the fruit loop?
kirk: (points) Bones? Meet Reginald
Dwight.
john: That’s JOHN. Elton John!
mccoy: Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, pal. (to
Kirk) Did you ask him about “Honky Cat”?
kirk: We’re working on it.
john: (heads for the door) That’s it!
Enough of you wankers! I’ve got a wrap party to make!
kirk: (steps for him) Not so fast,
Dwight! We haven’t even got to your “Captain Fantastic” album- (There’s a
sudden beeping noise and McCoy opens up his jacket.)
mccoy: (Takes out his tricorder and walks
over to John. He runs it along John with intense concentration.) Jim. This
man is a Klingon!
john: You bitch! (He pulls out a laser
pistol and they all put up their hands.)
kirk: Goddammit. Why couldn’t it’ve been Huey
Lewis?
john: (beast-like) Yes! So, you’ve
finally found me out, you Federation pig-dogs!
mccoy: Did he say
“pig-dogs,” Jim?
kirk: Spock?
spock: Sorry Captain. I’m still working on
“wankers."
john: Shut up! All of you! (paces) So!
I bet you’re wondering what a Klingon’s doing playing Wembley Stadium!
kirk: Well, I was-
john: Shut up! Want to know the last time a
Klingon won a Grammy Award for Best Male Pop Vocal? Never! Well, that’s about to change! Tomorrow, at the Grammys, I face certain victory against Bobby
McFerrin and the Traveling Wilburys! Tomorrow will mean glory for me! Glory for
the Klingon Empire and—bloody
hell. I broke a nail! (Suddenly there’s a humming noise and a security guard
materializes, phaser drawn. John whirls and fires, vaporizing him in a blast of
smoke.)
kirk: Damn! That’s the fourth one this week!
john: (laughs) Well. Sorry to spoil
your little surprise party, Kirk! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a little
award to accept! But first? It’s martinis with Bryan Adams! (Elton John
makes a quick break for the door. Kirk and McCoy fumble for their phasers. But
Spock draws and fires at John, vaporizing him.)
kirk: (walks over and looks down where John
once stood, long pause) Oh boy. Starfleet’s gonna ride my ass hard over
this one.
mccoy: Spock! You. You killed him.
spock: Sorry, Doctor... I’m still bitter over
“Reg Strikes Back.”
mccoy: Ahh. Good point.
kirk: Yes. Such is the frailty of our meager existence,
gentlemen. But I’m sure, in time, all people, all races and creeds, will
realize the folly of their-
mccoy: Jim. Can you wrap it up already? (adjusts
his pants) These bastards’ve got my nuts in a straightjacket!
spock: Captain, for once I’m forced to agree with the
Doctor.
kirk: (smiles) Very well, boys. (flips
open his communicator) Anyone for T.J. Maxx?
(Dramatic music. Fade out.)
FINI.
