A Christmas Interlude

Thought of the Day

I don’t really care for frogs’ legs. I’m more partial to frogs’ arms.

Thought of the Day

I had a German Shepherd once when I was growing up. But my parents had to get rid of it. They found out it was working for the Nazis.

Thought of the Day

I went to the bakery the other day and asked the lady at the counter if they had any Italian bread. “No,” she said, “but we do have a roll that’s from out of town.”

Thought of the Day

The next time Jack Frost starts nipping at my nose, I’m going to slap him with a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I know all of the other reindeers wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But I wouldn’t have got too worked up about it. I hear the only thing reindeers like to play is backgammon.

Thought of the Day

I bought tickets to see Elton John once. Unfortunately, it was tickets to see Elton John doing his taxes.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, the principal tried to give me the strap once. I said, “Hey. I’m not into that kinda stuff, you weirdo!”

Thought of the Day

I’m done trying to build a better mousetrap. I’m just gonna buy a frigging cat already.

Thought of the Day

They say it’s a bad idea to let a bull into a china shop. And I totally agree. But I think you should make an exception if he’s willing to pay with American Express.

Thought of the Day

I ordered a stripper for my friend’s bachelor party one time. And you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my sister! I was going to send her home. But then I thought, what the hell. The kid’s gotta work her way through college somehow.

Thought of the Day

Wood burning sets aren’t for everyone. But they are a good way to practice if you want to become a pyromaniac.

Thought of the Day

I went to an “all you can eat” seafood restaurant the other day and ended up eating all their baby shrimp. I guess I got a little shellfish.

Thought of the Day

People always say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can’t say I felt the same way when they took out my appendix.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the comedy magic duo Penn & Teller. And I’m sure you know Teller never says a word on stage. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. Teller can’t speak because he got his balls shot off in Korea.