Thought of the Day

I like to collect all the shoes I find by the side of the road. That way, if I see a girl hobbling around on one shoe, I’ve got a good opening line.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, my Uncle Sid always claimed he was a lumbering expert. And I’m sure that’s an absolute fact. Sid weighed over 280 so he could lumber with the best of them.

Thought of the Day

If monkeys are so smart then why are so many of them in cages?

Thought of the Day

I don’t do much travelling any more. But I do collect frequent flyer miles when I go to The Land of Nod.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why lion tamers use a whip and a chair to get lions to do what they want. If you ask me, it’d be much easier if they just took them out to dinner and a show.

Thought of the Day

Last week, I went to the supermarket to pick up some French Vanilla ice cream. But I had to give up in disgust. All they had was Bolivian.

Thought of the Day

I got kicked off a miniature golf course once. The staff didn’t have any problems when I paid my admission. But I guess they got a little upset when I brought in my golf cart.

Thought of the Day

Hitler was one of the most reprehensible dictators known to man. The Devil’s wingman. Evil incarnate. That sort of thing. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. When the Nazis started rounding up the Jews during World War Two, Hitler complained that he could never find a good bagel.

Thought of the Day

It’s funny how your priorities change as you get older. When I was growing up, I was always concerned with getting enough attention. These days, all I’m concerned with is getting enough bran.

Thought of the Day

My grandmother has never been very good at speaking English. But she does know how to swear in six different languages.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why the police put so much faith in bomb-sniffing dogs. These are the same animals that go around sniffing each other’s behinds.

Thought of the Day

I think it would be waste of time to put someone like Betty Crocker in jail. All of Betty’s friends would be sending her a cake with a file in it.

Thought of the Day

We went camping in Algonquin Park last summer – and the black flies up there were terrible! The flies got so bad, the only way we could get rid of them was to play a copy of Yoko Ono’s latest album.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I saw a crowd of cats demonstrating in front of city hall. So I stopped to ask them what they were complaining about. I guess they wanted to shut down all the dog parks.

Thought of the Day

I like to think I’m getting more considerate as I get older. Take Halloween for instance. Last year, I didn’t give candy out to the trick-or-treaters. I just gave out life insurance policies.

Thought of the Day

I know everybody’s tried Campbell’s Soup by now. So the other day, I went and bought a can of Glen Campbell’s Soup. It’s just like regular Campbell’s Soup except it’s meant for rhinestone cowboys.

Riddle Me This!

scene: The Batcave set of the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s playing ‘Pong.’

 

alfred: Mail for you, sir.

 

batman: (distracted) What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray down.) Oh, and Alfred..?

 

alfred: Yes?

 

batman: (turns) Have you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?

 

alfred: Pants, sir..?

 

batman: Yes. The one’s you aren’t wearing.

 

alfred: (rough) Sorry, sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.

 

batman: (shock) You...and Aunt Harriet...

 

alfred: The woman is insatiable, Master Bruce.

 

batman: Dear God, man... That stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!

 

alfred: I see. (Shrugs.) I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?  

 

batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?

 

alfred: Of course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)

 

batman: Robin! Come here a minute...

 

robin: (enters) Will this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.

 

batman: This is only a half hour show, chum.

 

robin: Oh. Right. (Stops, staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?

 

batman: Never mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter from—The Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)

 

robin: The Riddler! (Punches fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?

 

batman: (points) From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum. Open it up—see if it’s booby-trapped.

 

robin: Sure thing... (Robin flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s just a letter.

 

batman: Hmm. Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)

 

robin: What does it say?

 

batman: (reads) It says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?

 

robin: When it’s...Eggs Benedict!

 

batman: Exactly! Wait, there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?

 

robin: (thinks) One meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!

 

batman: (slams fist into desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.) Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)

 

alfred: (looks up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?

 

batman: Go dust something.

 

alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers off.)

 

batman: (looks up at camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to Robin.) Where was I?

 

robin: (checks script) Precisely...

 

batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never comes down?

 

robin: I’ve got it! A balloon!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: A buffalo with a jetpack!

 

batman: Sadly...no.

 

robin: Cher’s cheekbones?

 

batman: No, Robin—taxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross Marilyn 

 

Monroe—with an ostrich?

 

robin: Screwed over at the box office!

 

batman: No.

 

robin: (clenching fist) A Jerry Springer episode!

 

batman: No, no... Here. Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)

 

robin: Okay. First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.) Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No. No—head! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Fred—dead. Dead! That’s it!

 

batman: Right! (Assumes fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?

 

robin: Go for my Batmace... Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts bending it behind his back.) Okay—okay! It’s duck! Duck!

 

batman: (stops) Very good.

 

robin: A dead duck. I don’t get it, Batman.

 

batman: It’s very simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!

 

robin: (holding up newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!

 

batman: (urgent) No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get your salad tongs ready—we’ve no time to lose! Robin...to the Batmobile!

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