Monday, January 8, 2024

Riddle Me This!

scene: The Batcave set of the Batman television series. The place is filled with winding shadows and the hum of electronic consoles. Alfred appears, carrying a tray with several letters. Batman is seated in front of a bank of computers, his face lit up, deep in thought. It’s only when Alfred gets closer that we realize he’s playing ‘Pong.’
 
alfred: Mail for you, sir.
 
batman: (distracted) What? Oh. Thank you, Alfred. Just leave it on the desk... (Alfred sets tray down.) Oh, and Alfred..?
 
alfred: Yes?
 
batman: (turns) Have you seen my- (Long pause.) Alfred, where are your pants?
 
alfred: Pants, sir..?
 
batman: Yes. The one’s you aren’t wearing.
 
alfred: (rough) Sorry, sir. Harriet and I were doing a little...celebrating as it were. I’m afraid your stock of 1955 Château Latour will need some refurbishing.
 
batman: (shock) You...and Aunt Harriet...
 
alfred: The woman is insatiable, Master Bruce.
 
batman: Dear God, man... That stuff’s worth a thousand bucks a pop!
 
alfred: I see. (Shrugs.) I trust you’ll take it off my “beer and smokes” allowance?  
 
batman: Very well, Alfred. Just stick to the Sprite next time, will you? Please?
 
alfred: Of course! Thanks, daddio. (Stumbles away, muttering.) I’m...too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy pussy cat... (Batman stares after Alfred,then goes over the mail. He pauses at one letter with concern.)
 
batman: Robin! Come here a minute...
 
robin: (enters) Will this take long, Batman? I’ve got my Jazzercise at ten.
 
batman: This is only a half hour show, chum.
 
robin: Oh. Right. (Stops, staring off-camera.) Hey. Is Alfred drunk again?
 
batman: Never mind that, Robin. There’s evil work afoot! We’ve just received a letter fromThe Riddler! (Dramatic theme music comes on.)
 
robin: The Riddler! (Punches fist into his hand.) Holy insufficient postage, Batman! How did you know?
 
batman: (points) From the huge question mark on the front. (Hands it over.) Here, chum. Open it upsee if it’s booby-trapped.
 
robin: Sure thing... (Robin flips letter open and looks inside. Dramatic theme music.) Nothing! It’s just a letter.
 
batman: Hmm. Okay, let me see it. (Takes letter back.)
 
robin: What does it say?
 
batman: (reads) It says...riddle me this! When is an egg not an egg?
 
robin: When it’s...Eggs Benedict!
 
batman: Exactly! Wait, there’s more... What’s the difference between a president and a butcher?
 
robin: (thinks) One meets the press...and the other one presses the meat!
 
batman: (slams fist into desk) Precisely! Now- (Dramatic theme music. Batman pauses.) Alfred... (Dramatic music comes on again.) Alfred! (Batman turns to see Alfred standing off-camera with a tape machine.)
 
alfred: (looks up, finger on button) Yes, Master Bruce?
 
batman: Go dust something.
 
alfred: Yes, sir... (Staggers off.)
 
batman: (looks up at camera) It’s so hard finding good help these days. (Finally, aside to Robin.) Where was I?
 
robin: (checks script) Precisely...
 
batman: Ah, yes. (Pauses before slamming fist into desk.) Precisely! Now...what goes up but never comes down?
 
robin: I’ve got it! A balloon!
 
batman: No.
 
robin: A buffalo with a jetpack!
 
batman: Sadly...no.
 
robin: Cher’s cheekbones?
 
batman: No, Robintaxes! We can’t forget our hardworking men and women at the tax department. Here’s the last one... What do you get when you cross Marilyn 
 
Monroewith an ostrich?
 
robin: Screwed over at the box office!
 
batman: No.
 
robin: (clenching fist) A Jerry Springer episode!
 
batman: No, no... Here. Watch... (Stands back, begins doing charades.)
 
robin: Okay. First word... One syllable. Is it known for its work in the theatre? (Batman stops, gives Robin a disgusted look.) Sorry... (Batman starts again.) Okay...one syllable. (Batman points at his cowl.) Sounds like...ear. No. Nohead! Sounds like head! Lead...said...Freddead. Dead! That’s it!
 
batman: Right! (Assumes fighting stance) Now, Robin. When I take a swing at you, what do you do?
 
robin: Go for my Batmace... Call Johnnie Cochran! (Batman grabs hold of Robin’s little finger and starts bending it behind his back.) Okayokay! It’s duck! Duck!
 
batman: (stops) Very good.
 
robin: A dead duck. I don’t get it, Batman.
 
batman: It’s very simple. The Riddler’s invited us over for a brunch of eggs and sausage. Maybe a few hash browns. Then he wants to talk about the President’s new tax cut proposal and watch Marilyn Monroe films!
 
robin: (holding up newspaper) But Batman, it says here he’s going to assassinate the President by dropping a huge egg bomb on the White House!
 
batman: (urgent) No, old chum, that’s exactly what he wants us to think! Remember, arch-villains are cut from devious cloth and a fiend like The Riddler is no exception. Get your salad tongs readywe’ve no time to lose! Robin...to the Batmobile!