Thought of the Day

My great-great-uncle Melvin became a fabulously rich man just before he died. Melvin opened up a stand on the Titanic and started selling wigs and dresses to all the men who wanted to get on the lifeboats first.

Thought of the Day

Here’s one thing you’ll never hear around the dinner table at an Ethiopian’s house: “Are you going to finish that?”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me – but I think the guy who invented the clock radio should learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a homeless man in Casper, Wyoming just got caught trying to rob a bank. I guess he should’ve known better... The guy didn’t have a getaway car so he got caught waiting for the bus.

Thought of the Day

They say that dogs have got it made. Free food. Roof over their heads. But if you ask me, it can’t be easy going around sniffing everybody’s ass.

Thought of the Day

I went to a fortune teller once and asked her what she could see in her crystal ball. “Nothing,” she said. “My ball’s in the shop.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’d call a housefly if he lived in an apartment.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl had a really close call last summer. He was out camping in B.C. when he found himself face-to-face with a giant grizzly bear. So Karl did the only thing he could do. He told the bear that his girlfriend tasted like salmon.

Thought of the Day

I was shopping in Canadian Tire the other day when I noticed a guy walking around in camouflage pants. I walked up to him and said, “Dude, your pants aren’t working.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Great Wall of China is over 13,000 miles long, which makes perfect sense. If it was only thirteen miles long, it’d be the Not So Great Wall of China.

Thought of the Day

I’m not the most religious guy in the world. But every time I eat at Taco Bell, I pray I don’t get the runs.

Thought of the Day

Some people wear nicotine patches to get over their addiction to cigarettes. My friend Karl started wearing a pumpkin patch. Apparently he’s got a serious addiction to pie.