Monday, June 30, 2025

Thought of the Day

When I see someone with bad acne scars, I often wonder if they just had a hard time learning how to use a fork.

Friday, June 27, 2025

Thought of the Day

My dog thinks he’s pretty smart. The other day, I caught him trying to set up an appointment with my financial planner. He seemed to think it was a good time to invest in rubber chew toys.

Wednesday, June 25, 2025

Thought of The Day

I tried to buy the country of Ecuador once. But then I thought, I really have to cut back on the gin and tonics.

Monday, June 23, 2025

Thought of the Day

I feel sorry for panhandlers because people just aren’t carrying money around like they used to. But I guess times are changing. The other day, I saw a panhandler who was taking VISA and American Express.

Friday, June 20, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was just reading that a gang of piranhas broke into a supermarket in Brazil. They didn’t steal any money, mind you. But they did make off with an entire case of anchovies.

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy some prophylactics. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. So I stopped to ask one of the floorwalkers. She said, “Try the – ‘In Your Dreams’ Section.”

Monday, June 16, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you call a lighthouse when it’s been turned off.

Thursday, June 12, 2025

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I saw a trapeze artist at the circus once. His name was The Great Blondini. And I always thought that was the coolest name. Unfortunately, The Great Blondini had an accident some years later, and they had to change his name to “Stuff On The Ground.”

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you can call it buried treasure unless you’ve had a chance to look at it first.

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Thought of the Day

Squirrels seem like pretty quiet, reserved animals. But everyone has their breaking point. The other day, part of a squirrel’s nest blew down in the wind, and all I could hear up in the tree was: “Son of a bitch! There goes the kitchen!”

Friday, June 6, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Los Angeles wildfires in January did over $250-billion in damage, and destroyed over 10,000 buildings and celebrity homes. In fact, they’re considered one of the worst fires in modern history. But, oddly enough, they didn’t burn down Woody Harrelson.

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Thought of the Day

I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a McCrispy chicken sandwich. I’m not saying the service was slow. But by the time my sandwich arrived, I was eating a McSoggy.

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Thought of the Day

 I often wonder if bingo callers can get sued for mispronunciation.

Friday, May 30, 2025

Thought of the Day

I’m not a fan of the new crayons they’re developing for kids these days. I looked at a box of Crayolas the other day, and the first crayon I picked out was called Blue Screen of Death.

Thursday, May 29, 2025

Thought of the Day

There’s been a lot of speculation over the years that Sir John A. Macdonald, Canada’s first prime minister, was a hopeless drunk. I don’t have any problem with that myself. I’d always have a jug handy too if I had to deal with Alexander Mackenzie.

Wednesday, May 28, 2025

Thought of the Day

The other day, my girlfriend told me that she’s always been fascinated by my animal magnetism. That’s when I looked down and realized I was covered in cats.

Tuesday, May 27, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some news anchor in the States just got fired for saying the N-word. I don’t know about you. But I think this is a rotten world we live in when you can’t even say the word “nachos.”

Friday, May 23, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how you’d know if a man went streaking through a nudist colony.

Thursday, May 22, 2025

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Smedley was one of the richest men in the world. He made all his money selling shoes to caterpillars.

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

Thought of the Day

My grandfather has never been known for his patience. One time, he tried putting a scarecrow up in his cornfield – and took it down the next day. He thought it was getting a little too “chummy” with the crows.

Tuesday, May 20, 2025

Thought of the Day

I went to the zoo the other day to play poker with the animals. But I’m never doing that again! I was playing with a cheetah.

Friday, May 16, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that fish live underwater is the rent is pretty reasonable.

Thursday, May 15, 2025

Thought of the Day

I have no interest in climbing a famous mountain like Kilimanjaro. Knowing me, I’d probably get to the very top and fall off before I could post anything on Facebook.

Tuesday, May 13, 2025

Thought of the Day

I really need to clean my pantry out more often. The other day, I was cleaning out my pantry and found a can of boiled squirrel.

Monday, May 12, 2025

Thought of the Day

People seem to think robots can do anything a man can do – only better. I beg to differ on that. I’d like to see a robot try and scratch his balls.

Thursday, May 8, 2025

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl isn’t allowed at the amusement park anymore. The last time he went, Karl got into a heated argument with a ticket taker over what he considered to be a funhouse.

Wednesday, May 7, 2025

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who the guy is who invented tea. But I wonder how many times he had to drink hot water and leaves before his friends stopped laughing at him.

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think a sweet roll is really a matter of opinion.

Friday, May 2, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think the whole stigma about saying the word “fat” is getting a little bit out of hand. The other day, I went to buy a carton of milk at the store and the label said it had “2% Dom DeLuise."

Thursday, May 1, 2025

Thought of the Day

My uncle Sid has always been a bit of a cheapskate. One time, he tried to sneak into a ballgame by drawing a chalk line down his back and pretending to be the third base line. Sid lasted four innings before the ushers finally noticed him.

Wednesday, April 30, 2025

Thought of the Day

The other day, I noticed a seagull sitting down by the river. So I went and asked him why he didn’t live by the sea. He said, “None of your damn business.”

Tuesday, April 29, 2025

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think they should raise some money for Yanni so he can afford a last name.

Monday, April 28, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how long it takes Wonder Woman to find the keys to her Invisible Jet.

Monday, April 21, 2025

Thought of the Day

I guess everyone has to be little different. Take my cousin Fred for instance. Everyone on his block has a kidney-shaped pool. But not Fred. He has a liver and onions shaped pool.

Friday, April 18, 2025

Thought of the Day

One time, when I was a kid, my grandfather took me out fishing in his boat. He told me to keep quiet or it’ll scare the fish. “How can the fish hear us if they don’t have ears?” I asked. My grandfather just looked at me. “Do you know how to swim?” he said. “Yeah, of course,” I replied. My grandfather went back to his fishing. “Too bad,” he said.

Thursday, April 17, 2025

Thought of the Day

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t get him in to see Taylor Swift.

Wednesday, April 16, 2025

Thought of the Day

When I was in public school, we always had a lunch lady at our cafeteria. I guess it was standard practice back then. But I’d always wonder if she’d got demoted for screwing up breakfast.

Monday, April 14, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Sherlock Holmes would get stumped trying to figure out what happened to the first Darrin on TV's Bewitched.

Friday, April 11, 2025

Thought of the Day

Everyone seems to think Christopher Columbus was this brilliant explorer because he set off from Spain and discovered America back in 1492. But Columbus wasn’t so great. The guy was looking for India. When I was in school, if I was supposed to find India on a map and found America, they would’ve sent me back a grade.

Wednesday, April 9, 2025

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Elton John, and you’re heading out for a nice quiet day at the beach, you might want to leave the rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit at home.

Monday, April 7, 2025

Thought of the Day

I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it back. The snoring kept me awake all night.

Friday, April 4, 2025

Thought of the Day

I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.

Thursday, April 3, 2025

Thought of the Day

The world’s shortest review of Peter Gabriel’s album So: So what?

Wednesday, April 2, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a great white shark ate 17 Chinese swimmers near the seaside resort town of Sanya the other day. Apparently, he wasn’t going to attack them all. But the shark ate one and he was still hungry.

Tuesday, April 1, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many chickens out there are missing fingers.

Monday, March 31, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to hold up a bank is to lift with your legs.

Friday, March 28, 2025

Thought of the Day

 If you ask me, you’re not going to get a straight answer.

Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Thought of the Day

Plastic pollution is becoming a huge problem these days. I was reading that over 350 million tonnes of plastic is released into the environment every year. And two thirds of that is just Reba McEntire.

Monday, March 24, 2025

Friday, March 21, 2025

Thought of the Day

People always say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings.” I can’t get behind that. That’s like saying, “If man were meant to drive, he’d have been born with keys.”

Thursday, March 20, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the average NFL player is paid over $3.2-million a year to play professional football. And I can understand why. I’d ask for a pile of money too if I was going to end up getting brain damage.

Tuesday, March 18, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the “Rocky Mountains” just wanted to go home early that day.

Monday, March 17, 2025

Thought of the Day

My neighbour warned me there’s a pack of wild dogs hanging around the neighbourhood – but I’m not worried. I hear the only thing they’ve been doing is staying up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Friday, March 14, 2025

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is The Human Cannonball, and it’s your job to get shot out of a cannon, make sure you don’t get into a serious accident. You might have to change your name to The Barely Human Cannonball.

Wednesday, March 12, 2025

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I’d rather have a five-leaf clover than a four-leaf clover. If I had a five-leaf clover, I could always sell it on eBay.

Monday, March 10, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if hollow logs feel empty inside.

Friday, March 7, 2025

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has never been great when it comes to remembering things. One time, his wife told him to go out and get some Oasis orange juice, and Egbert came back with Noel Gallagher.

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Thought of the Day

I went to see a dog show in town the other day, and the Grand Champion was pretty incredible. Some lady from Toledo had taught her Pomeranian how to cheat on his income taxes.

Wednesday, March 5, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why people try and grow a ponytail when they don’t the first thing about horses.

Tuesday, March 4, 2025

Thought of the Day

The other day, I got a call from a scammer looking for money by pretending to be my grandson. So I gave him a hard time about never coming to visit me on Christmas.

Monday, March 3, 2025

Thought of the Day

It looks like the NHL has finally hit paydirt with their new 4 Nations Face-Off international hockey tournament, which averaged over 6.5 million viewers per game. They were actually going to call it – the 5 Nations Face-Off – but they couldn’t find enough players from Uruguay.

Friday, February 21, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think my dentist must be looking for more patients. I can tell because the other day I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for my appointment, and a tumbleweed rolled by.

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you go into a barbershop at a nudist colony, and want a little off the top, don’t forget to be more specific.

Monday, February 17, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many people were badly injured trying to invent the first stick of dynamite.

Friday, February 14, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was the best man at my friend Karl’s wedding. But I could tell his marriage was never going to last. When the church service started, and the young couple approached the altar, the minister made Karl take his headphones off.

Thursday, February 13, 2025

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t K.D. Lang be the perfect spokesperson for Kraft Dinner?

Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we had this little Siamese cat named Lucky. In retrospect, it might not have been the best name for him. Lucky got hit by a Mexican doing 80 in a Chrysler Cordoba.

Tuesday, February 11, 2025

Thought of the Day

I was reading that they were trying to build the world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Tokyo – but it got cancelled. Apparently, the construction crews got as far as the 160th floor until God said, “Hey – cut it out.”

Monday, February 10, 2025

Thought of the Day

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what the hell does a banana do?

Friday, February 7, 2025

Thought of the Day

Everyone’s been protesting the U.S. tariffs lately by refusing to buy American products. So I’ve been doing my part... The other day, I stopped buying New England Clam Chowder – and bought some Newfoundland Clam Chowder instead. Fortunately, it’s just like New England Clam Chowder, except it tastes like Joey Smallwood.

Tuesday, February 4, 2025

Thought of the Day

My parakeet and I were watching TV the other night when I decided to turn on an episode of Scooby Doo. I was only a few minutes into the show when my parakeet looked over at me and said, “Who ever heard of a dog that can talk?”

Monday, February 3, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if one-humped camels ever think about getting a hump transplant.

Friday, January 31, 2025

Thought of the Day

People seem to think the cheetah is the fastest animal on Earth. That may be true. But those same people have never seen my Uncle Clive when there’s a sale down at The Beer Store.

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Thought of the Day

When I was in kindergarten, there was a guy in our class named Ned who could turn his eyelids inside out. I didn’t think Ned was ever going to amount to anything. But the other day, he went viral and now he’s got his own book deal.

Friday, January 24, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think people are getting a little too dependent on technology these days. I went over to see my friend Karl the other day and he just bought a remote to change his mind.

Thursday, January 23, 2025

Thought of the Day

I don’t think there’s any reason to call them “handcuffs.” I think the “hand” part should be self-explanatory.

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I don’t think kids should work with construction paper unless they’re going to wear a hardhat.

Tuesday, January 21, 2025

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Mamie always wanted to be a model – but her career never really got off the ground. Sure, she had a nice figure. But my aunt also had a bad case of “summer teeth.” Some were over here and some were over there.

Monday, January 20, 2025

Thought of the Day

They just hired a new security guy at the place where I work. He doesn’t carry a gun or anything. He just tells everyone everything’s going to be all right.

Friday, January 17, 2025

Thought of the Day

My father never tried to spank me when I was a child. I guess it was all because I caught him sneaking around with another woman.

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who wrote The Book Of Love.

Monday, January 13, 2025

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I didn’t have a Mr. Potato Head – I had a Mr. Tomato Head. He was just like Mr. Potato Head except he could brighten up any sandwich. 

Friday, January 10, 2025

Thought of the Day

I told my friend Karl once that I don’t believe in ghosts because I’ve never seen one before. He said, “I’ve never seen Romania either – but it still exists.” That’s about the time I punched him in the mouth.

Thursday, January 9, 2025

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to stay out of jail is to not get caught in the first place.

Wednesday, January 8, 2025

Thought of the Day

They say that no two snowflakes in the world are alike. I don’t know about you. But I want to meet the guy who measured all those snowflakes.

Tuesday, January 7, 2025

Thought of the Day

To me, baseball is the perfect game for people who want to play a sport but don’t really feel like moving around.

Monday, January 6, 2025

Thought of the Day

If a flying saucer suddenly landed, and two aliens got out and told me to take them to my leader, I don’t think my boss would be too happy about it.