When I see someone
with bad acne scars, I often wonder if they just had a hard time learning how to use a
fork.
Monday, June 30, 2025
Friday, June 27, 2025
Thought of the Day
My dog thinks he’s pretty
smart. The other day, I caught him trying to set up an appointment with my
financial planner. He seemed to think it was a good time to invest in rubber
chew toys.
Wednesday, June 25, 2025
Thought of The Day
I tried to buy the
country of Ecuador once. But then I thought, I really have to cut back on the
gin and tonics.
Monday, June 23, 2025
Thought of the Day
I feel sorry for panhandlers
because people just aren’t carrying money around like they used to. But I guess
times are changing. The other day, I saw a panhandler who was taking VISA and
American Express.
Friday, June 20, 2025
Thought of the Day
I was just reading that a gang of piranhas broke into a
supermarket in Brazil. They didn’t steal any money, mind you. But they did make
off with an entire case of anchovies.
Wednesday, June 18, 2025
Thought of the Day
I went to Walmart the
other day to buy some prophylactics. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. So I
stopped to ask one of the floorwalkers. She said, “Try the – ‘In Your Dreams’
Section.”
Monday, June 16, 2025
Thursday, June 12, 2025
Thought of the Day
When I was growing up, I saw a trapeze artist at the
circus once. His name was The Great Blondini. And I always thought that was the
coolest name. Unfortunately, The Great Blondini had an accident some years
later, and they had to change his name to “Stuff On The Ground.”
Wednesday, June 11, 2025
Thought of the Day
I don’t think you can call
it buried treasure unless you’ve had a chance to look at it first.
Tuesday, June 10, 2025
Thought of the Day
Squirrels seem like
pretty quiet, reserved animals. But everyone has their breaking point. The
other day, part of a squirrel’s nest blew down in the wind, and all I could
hear up in the tree was: “Son of a bitch! There goes the kitchen!”
Friday, June 6, 2025
Thought of the Day
I was reading that the
Los Angeles wildfires in January did over $250-billion in damage, and
destroyed over 10,000 buildings and celebrity homes. In fact, they’re considered
one of the worst fires in modern history. But, oddly enough, they didn’t burn
down Woody Harrelson.
Wednesday, June 4, 2025
Thought of the Day
I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a McCrispy
chicken sandwich. I’m not saying the service was slow. But by the time my
sandwich arrived, I was eating a McSoggy.
Tuesday, June 3, 2025
Friday, May 30, 2025
Thought of the Day
I’m not a fan of the new
crayons they’re developing for kids these days. I looked at a box of Crayolas
the other day, and the first crayon I picked out was called Blue Screen of
Death.
Thursday, May 29, 2025
Thought of the Day
There’s
been a lot of speculation over the years that Sir John A. Macdonald, Canada’s
first prime minister, was a hopeless drunk. I don’t have any problem with that
myself. I’d always have a jug handy too if I had to deal with Alexander
Mackenzie.
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
Thought of the Day
The other day, my girlfriend told me that she’s always been
fascinated by my animal magnetism. That’s when I looked down and realized I was covered in cats.
Tuesday, May 27, 2025
Thought of the Day
I was reading that some news anchor in the States just got
fired for saying the N-word. I don’t know about you. But I think this is a
rotten world we live in when you can’t even say the word “nachos.”
Friday, May 23, 2025
Thursday, May 22, 2025
Thought of the Day
My great-uncle Smedley was one of the richest men in the
world. He made all his money selling shoes to caterpillars.
Wednesday, May 21, 2025
Thought of the Day
My grandfather has never
been known for his patience. One time, he tried putting a scarecrow up in his
cornfield – and took it down the next day. He thought it was getting a little
too “chummy” with the crows.
Tuesday, May 20, 2025
Thought of the Day
I went to the zoo the
other day to play poker with the animals. But I’m never doing that again! I was
playing with a cheetah.
Friday, May 16, 2025
Thought of the Day
I think the only reason that fish live underwater is the
rent is pretty reasonable.
Thursday, May 15, 2025
Thought of the Day
I have no interest in climbing a famous mountain like
Kilimanjaro. Knowing me, I’d probably get to the very top and fall off before I
could post anything on Facebook.
Tuesday, May 13, 2025
Thought of the Day
I really need to clean my
pantry out more often. The other day, I was cleaning out my pantry and found a can of boiled squirrel.
Monday, May 12, 2025
Thought of the Day
People seem to think robots can do anything a man can do –
only better. I beg to differ on that. I’d like to see a robot try and scratch
his balls.
Thursday, May 8, 2025
Thought of the Day
My friend Karl isn’t allowed at the amusement park
anymore. The last time he went, Karl got into a heated argument with a ticket
taker over what he considered to be a funhouse.
Wednesday, May 7, 2025
Thought of the Day
I don’t know who the guy is who invented tea. But I
wonder how many times he had to drink hot water and leaves before his friends
stopped laughing at him.
Tuesday, May 6, 2025
Friday, May 2, 2025
Thought of the Day
I think the whole stigma about saying the word “fat” is
getting a little bit out of hand. The other day, I went to buy a carton of milk
at the store and the label said it had “2% Dom DeLuise."
Thursday, May 1, 2025
Thought of the Day
My uncle Sid has always been a bit of a cheapskate. One
time, he tried to sneak into a ballgame by drawing a chalk line down his back and
pretending to be the third base line. Sid lasted four innings before the ushers
finally noticed him.
Wednesday, April 30, 2025
Thought of the Day
The other day, I noticed a seagull sitting down
by the river. So I went and asked him why he didn’t live by the sea. He said,
“None of your damn business.”
Tuesday, April 29, 2025
Thought of the Day
If you ask me, I think
they should raise some money for Yanni so
he can afford a last name.
Monday, April 28, 2025
Thought of the Day
I often wonder how long it takes Wonder Woman to find the keys
to her Invisible Jet.
Monday, April 21, 2025
Thought of the Day
I guess everyone has to
be little different. Take my cousin Fred for instance. Everyone on his block
has a kidney-shaped pool. But not Fred. He has a liver and onions shaped pool.
Friday, April 18, 2025
Thought of the Day
One time, when I was a kid, my grandfather took me out
fishing in his boat. He told me to keep quiet or it’ll scare the fish. “How can
the fish hear us if they don’t have ears?” I asked. My grandfather just looked
at me. “Do you know how to swim?” he said. “Yeah, of course,” I replied. My
grandfather went back to his fishing. “Too bad,” he said.
Thursday, April 17, 2025
Wednesday, April 16, 2025
Thought of the Day
When I was in public school, we always had a lunch lady at our cafeteria. I guess it was standard practice back then. But I’d always
wonder if she’d got demoted for screwing up breakfast.
Monday, April 14, 2025
Thought of the Day
I often wonder if
Sherlock Holmes would get stumped trying to figure out what happened to the
first Darrin on TV's Bewitched.
Friday, April 11, 2025
Thought of the Day
Everyone seems to think
Christopher Columbus was this brilliant explorer because he set off from Spain
and discovered America back in 1492. But Columbus wasn’t so great. The guy was
looking for India. When I was in school, if I was supposed to find India on a
map and found America, they would’ve sent me back a grade.
Wednesday, April 9, 2025
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful
tip… If your name is Elton John, and you’re heading out for a nice quiet day at
the beach, you might want to leave the rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit at home.
Monday, April 7, 2025
Thought of the Day
I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it
back. The snoring kept me awake all night.
Friday, April 4, 2025
Thought of the Day
I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.
Thursday, April 3, 2025
Wednesday, April 2, 2025
Thought of the Day
I
was reading that a great white shark ate 17 Chinese swimmers near the seaside resort town of Sanya
the other day. Apparently, he wasn’t going
to attack them all. But the shark ate one and he was still hungry.
Tuesday, April 1, 2025
Monday, March 31, 2025
Friday, March 28, 2025
Wednesday, March 26, 2025
Thought of the Day
Plastic pollution is
becoming a huge problem these days. I was reading that over 350 million tonnes
of plastic is released into the environment every year. And two thirds of that
is just Reba McEntire.
Monday, March 24, 2025
Friday, March 21, 2025
Thought of the Day
People always say, “If
man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings.” I can’t get behind
that. That’s like saying, “If man were meant to drive, he’d have been born with
keys.”
Thursday, March 20, 2025
Thought of the Day
I was reading that the
average NFL player is paid over $3.2-million a year to play professional football. And I can
understand why. I’d ask for a pile of money too if I was going to end up
getting brain damage.
Tuesday, March 18, 2025
Thought of the Day
I think the guy who named
the “Rocky Mountains” just wanted to go home early that day.
Monday, March 17, 2025
Thought of the Day
My neighbour warned me there’s
a pack of wild dogs hanging around the neighbourhood – but I’m not worried. I
hear the only thing they’ve been doing is staying up late to watch Jimmy
Kimmel.
Friday, March 14, 2025
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is The Human
Cannonball, and it’s your job to get shot out of a cannon, make sure you don’t
get into a serious accident. You might have to change your name to The Barely
Human Cannonball.
Wednesday, March 12, 2025
Thought of the Day
If you ask me, I’d rather
have a five-leaf clover than a four-leaf clover. If I had a five-leaf clover, I
could always sell it on eBay.
Monday, March 10, 2025
Friday, March 7, 2025
Thought of the Day
My cousin Egbert has
never been great when it comes to remembering things. One time, his wife told
him to go out and get some Oasis orange juice, and Egbert came back with Noel
Gallagher.
Thursday, March 6, 2025
Thought of the Day
I went to see a dog show
in town the other day, and the Grand Champion was pretty incredible. Some lady
from Toledo had taught her Pomeranian how to cheat on his income taxes.
Wednesday, March 5, 2025
Thought of the Day
I often wonder why people
try and grow a ponytail when they don’t the first thing about horses.
Tuesday, March 4, 2025
Thought of the Day
The other day, I
got a call from a scammer looking for money by pretending to be my grandson. So
I gave him a hard time about never coming to visit me on Christmas.
Monday, March 3, 2025
Thought of the Day
It looks like the NHL has finally hit paydirt with their
new 4 Nations Face-Off international hockey
tournament, which averaged over 6.5 million viewers per game. They were
actually going to call it – the 5 Nations Face-Off – but they couldn’t find
enough players from Uruguay.
Friday, February 21, 2025
Thought of the Day
I think my dentist
must be looking for more patients. I can tell because the other day I was
sitting in the lobby, waiting for my appointment, and a tumbleweed rolled by.
Wednesday, February 19, 2025
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful tip… If you go into a barbershop at a
nudist colony, and want a little off the top, don’t forget to be more specific.
Monday, February 17, 2025
Thought of the Day
I often wonder how many people were badly injured trying
to invent the first stick of dynamite.
Friday, February 14, 2025
Thought of the Day
I was the best man at my friend Karl’s wedding. But I
could tell his marriage was never going to last. When the church service started,
and the young couple approached the altar, the minister made Karl take his
headphones off.
Thursday, February 13, 2025
Thought of the Day
Is it just me or wouldn’t K.D. Lang be the perfect
spokesperson for Kraft Dinner?
Wednesday, February 12, 2025
Thought of the Day
When I was growing up, we had this little Siamese cat
named Lucky. In retrospect, it might not have been the best name for him. Lucky
got hit by a Mexican doing 80 in a Chrysler Cordoba.
Tuesday, February 11, 2025
Thought of the Day
I
was reading that they were trying to build the world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Tokyo – but it got cancelled. Apparently, the construction crews
got as far as the 160th floor until God said, “Hey – cut it out.”
Monday, February 10, 2025
Friday, February 7, 2025
Thought of the Day
Everyone’s been
protesting the U.S. tariffs lately by refusing to buy American products. So I’ve
been doing my part... The other day, I stopped buying New England Clam Chowder –
and bought some Newfoundland Clam Chowder instead. Fortunately, it’s just like
New England Clam Chowder, except it tastes like Joey Smallwood.
Tuesday, February 4, 2025
Thought of the Day
My parakeet and I were watching TV the other night when I
decided to turn on an episode of Scooby Doo. I was only a few minutes into the
show when my parakeet looked over at me and said, “Who ever heard of a dog that
can talk?”
Monday, February 3, 2025
Friday, January 31, 2025
Thought of the Day
People
seem to think the cheetah is the fastest animal on Earth. That may be true. But
those same people have never seen my Uncle Clive when there’s a sale down at
The Beer Store.
Wednesday, January 29, 2025
Thought of the Day
When I was in kindergarten, there was a guy in our class
named Ned who could turn his eyelids inside out. I didn’t think Ned was ever
going to amount to anything. But the other day, he went viral and now he’s got
his own book deal.
Friday, January 24, 2025
Thought of the Day
I think people are
getting a little too dependent on technology these days. I went over to see my
friend Karl the other day and he just bought a remote to change his mind.
Thursday, January 23, 2025
Thought of the Day
I
don’t think there’s any reason to call them “handcuffs.” I think the “hand”
part should be self-explanatory.
Wednesday, January 22, 2025
Thought of the Day
If
you ask me, I don’t think kids should work with construction paper unless
they’re going to wear a hardhat.
Tuesday, January 21, 2025
Thought of the Day
My Aunt Mamie always wanted to be a model – but her career
never really got off the ground. Sure, she had a nice figure. But my aunt also
had a bad case of “summer teeth.” Some were over here and some were over there.
Monday, January 20, 2025
Thought of the Day
They just hired a new security guy at the place where I
work. He doesn’t carry a gun or anything. He just tells everyone everything’s
going to be all right.
Friday, January 17, 2025
Thought of the Day
My father never tried to
spank me when I was a child. I guess it was all because I caught him sneaking
around with another woman.
Wednesday, January 15, 2025
Monday, January 13, 2025
Thought of the Day
When I was a kid, I didn’t have a Mr. Potato Head – I had
a Mr. Tomato Head. He was just like Mr. Potato Head except he could brighten up
any sandwich.
Friday, January 10, 2025
Thought of the Day
I told my friend Karl
once that I don’t believe in ghosts because I’ve never seen one before. He
said, “I’ve never seen Romania either – but it still exists.” That’s about the
time I punched him in the mouth.
Thursday, January 9, 2025
Thought of the Day
I think the best way to
stay out of jail is to not get caught in the first place.
Wednesday, January 8, 2025
Thought of the Day
They say that no two
snowflakes in the world are alike. I don’t know about you. But I want to meet
the guy who measured all those snowflakes.
Tuesday, January 7, 2025
Thought of the Day
To me, baseball is the
perfect game for people who want to play a sport but don’t really feel like
moving around.
Monday, January 6, 2025
Thought of the Day
If a flying saucer
suddenly landed, and two aliens got out and told me to take them to my leader,
I don’t think my boss would be too happy about it.
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