Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I gave my friend Jonas a dollar. I finally asked him when he was going to pay me back. He said, “When the cows come home.” Now, whenever I hear a cow moo, I get excited.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a drag race the other day – and it was really close. RuPaul won by a nose.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always liked the “Happy Birthday” song. That’s why I went out and bought the album.

Thought of the Day

Carmen Miranda was one of the biggest Latin American stars of the ‘40s and ‘50s. She sang. She danced. She performed in over a dozen Hollywood movies. But that first meeting with her agent must’ve been tough. I mean, what do you say when your manager asks: “How do you feel about wearing fruit salad on your head?"

Thought of the Day

I walked through my house the other day and found four houseflies hanging around. So I started charging them rent.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the jet boat should really learn how to make up his mind.

Thought of the Day

People are always flying flags at half-mast when someone dies. So, the other day, I noticed an old man putting his Canadian flag at half-mast. I stopped to ask him who’d passed away. He said, “Queen Elizabeth.” “But Queen Elizabeth died three years ago,” I said. “I know,” he said. “That’s how long it took me to afford the pole.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many times Barry Gibb has had a weak moment and bought a can of Gillette Foamy at Walgreens.

Thought of the Day

When I see someone with bad acne scars, I often wonder if they just had a hard time learning how to use a fork.

Thought of the Day

My dog thinks he’s pretty smart. The other day, I caught him trying to set up an appointment with my financial planner. He seemed to think it was a good time to invest in rubber chew toys.

Thought of The Day

I tried to buy the country of Ecuador once. But then I thought, I really have to cut back on the gin and tonics.

Thought of the Day

I feel sorry for panhandlers because people just aren’t carrying money around like they used to. But I guess times are changing. The other day, I saw a panhandler who was taking VISA and American Express.

Thought of the Day

I was just reading that a gang of piranhas broke into a supermarket in Brazil. They didn’t steal any money, mind you. But they did make off with an entire case of anchovies.

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy some prophylactics. But I couldn’t find them anywhere. So I stopped to ask one of the floorwalkers. She said, “Try the – ‘In Your Dreams’ Section.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you call a lighthouse when it’s been turned off.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, I saw a trapeze artist at the circus once. His name was The Great Blondini. And I always thought that was the coolest name. Unfortunately, The Great Blondini had an accident some years later, and they had to change his name to “Stuff On The Ground.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t think you can call it buried treasure unless you’ve had a chance to look at it first.

Thought of the Day

Squirrels seem like pretty quiet, reserved animals. But everyone has their breaking point. The other day, part of a squirrel’s nest blew down in the wind, and all I could hear up in the tree was: “Son of a bitch! There goes the kitchen!”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the Los Angeles wildfires in January did over $250-billion in damage, and destroyed over 10,000 buildings and celebrity homes. In fact, they’re considered one of the worst fires in modern history. But, oddly enough, they didn’t burn down Woody Harrelson.

Thought of the Day

I went to McDonald’s the other day and ordered a McCrispy chicken sandwich. I’m not saying the service was slow. But by the time my sandwich arrived, I was eating a McSoggy.

Thought of the Day

 I often wonder if bingo callers can get sued for mispronunciation.

Thought of the Day

I’m not a fan of the new crayons they’re developing for kids these days. I looked at a box of Crayolas the other day, and the first crayon I picked out was called Blue Screen of Death.

Thought of the Day

There’s been a lot of speculation over the years that Sir John A. Macdonald, Canada’s first prime minister, was a hopeless drunk. I don’t have any problem with that myself. I’d always have a jug handy too if I had to deal with Alexander Mackenzie.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my girlfriend told me that she’s always been fascinated by my animal magnetism. That’s when I looked down and realized I was covered in cats.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some news anchor in the States just got fired for saying the N-word. I don’t know about you. But I think this is a rotten world we live in when you can’t even say the word “nachos.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how you’d know if a man went streaking through a nudist colony.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Smedley was one of the richest men in the world. He made all his money selling shoes to caterpillars.

Thought of the Day

My grandfather has never been known for his patience. One time, he tried putting a scarecrow up in his cornfield – and took it down the next day. He thought it was getting a little too “chummy” with the crows.

Thought of the Day

I went to the zoo the other day to play poker with the animals. But I’m never doing that again! I was playing with a cheetah.

Thought of the Day

I think the only reason that fish live underwater is the rent is pretty reasonable.

Thought of the Day

I have no interest in climbing a famous mountain like Kilimanjaro. Knowing me, I’d probably get to the very top and fall off before I could post anything on Facebook.

Thought of the Day

I really need to clean my pantry out more often. The other day, I was cleaning out my pantry and found a can of boiled squirrel.

Thought of the Day

People seem to think robots can do anything a man can do – only better. I beg to differ on that. I’d like to see a robot try and scratch his balls.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl isn’t allowed at the amusement park anymore. The last time he went, Karl got into a heated argument with a ticket taker over what he considered to be a funhouse.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who the guy is who invented tea. But I wonder how many times he had to drink hot water and leaves before his friends stopped laughing at him.

Thought of the Day

I think a sweet roll is really a matter of opinion.

Thought of the Day

I think the whole stigma about saying the word “fat” is getting a little bit out of hand. The other day, I went to buy a carton of milk at the store and the label said it had “2% Dom DeLuise."

Thought of the Day

My uncle Sid has always been a bit of a cheapskate. One time, he tried to sneak into a ballgame by drawing a chalk line down his back and pretending to be the third base line. Sid lasted four innings before the ushers finally noticed him.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I noticed a seagull sitting down by the river. So I went and asked him why he didn’t live by the sea. He said, “None of your damn business.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I think they should raise some money for Yanni so he can afford a last name.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how long it takes Wonder Woman to find the keys to her Invisible Jet.

Thought of the Day

I guess everyone has to be little different. Take my cousin Fred for instance. Everyone on his block has a kidney-shaped pool. But not Fred. He has a liver and onions shaped pool.

Thought of the Day

One time, when I was a kid, my grandfather took me out fishing in his boat. He told me to keep quiet or it’ll scare the fish. “How can the fish hear us if they don’t have ears?” I asked. My grandfather just looked at me. “Do you know how to swim?” he said. “Yeah, of course,” I replied. My grandfather went back to his fishing. “Too bad,” he said.

Thought of the Day

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t get him in to see Taylor Swift.

Thought of the Day

When I was in public school, we always had a lunch lady at our cafeteria. I guess it was standard practice back then. But I’d always wonder if she’d got demoted for screwing up breakfast.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Sherlock Holmes would get stumped trying to figure out what happened to the first Darrin on TV's Bewitched.

Thought of the Day

Everyone seems to think Christopher Columbus was this brilliant explorer because he set off from Spain and discovered America back in 1492. But Columbus wasn’t so great. The guy was looking for India. When I was in school, if I was supposed to find India on a map and found America, they would’ve sent me back a grade.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Elton John, and you’re heading out for a nice quiet day at the beach, you might want to leave the rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit at home.

Thought of the Day

I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it back. The snoring kept me awake all night.

Thought of the Day

I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.

Thought of the Day

The world’s shortest review of Peter Gabriel’s album So: So what?

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a great white shark ate 17 Chinese swimmers near the seaside resort town of Sanya the other day. Apparently, he wasn’t going to attack them all. But the shark ate one and he was still hungry.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many chickens out there are missing fingers.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to hold up a bank is to lift with your legs.

Thought of the Day

 If you ask me, you’re not going to get a straight answer.

Thought of the Day

Plastic pollution is becoming a huge problem these days. I was reading that over 350 million tonnes of plastic is released into the environment every year. And two thirds of that is just Reba McEntire.

Elbows Up, Canada

Thought of the Day

People always say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings.” I can’t get behind that. That’s like saying, “If man were meant to drive, he’d have been born with keys.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the average NFL player is paid over $3.2-million a year to play professional football. And I can understand why. I’d ask for a pile of money too if I was going to end up getting brain damage.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the “Rocky Mountains” just wanted to go home early that day.

Thought of the Day

My neighbour warned me there’s a pack of wild dogs hanging around the neighbourhood – but I’m not worried. I hear the only thing they’ve been doing is staying up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is The Human Cannonball, and it’s your job to get shot out of a cannon, make sure you don’t get into a serious accident. You might have to change your name to The Barely Human Cannonball.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I’d rather have a five-leaf clover than a four-leaf clover. If I had a five-leaf clover, I could always sell it on eBay.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if hollow logs feel empty inside.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has never been great when it comes to remembering things. One time, his wife told him to go out and get some Oasis orange juice, and Egbert came back with Noel Gallagher.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a dog show in town the other day, and the Grand Champion was pretty incredible. Some lady from Toledo had taught her Pomeranian how to cheat on his income taxes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why people try and grow a ponytail when they don’t the first thing about horses.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I got a call from a scammer looking for money by pretending to be my grandson. So I gave him a hard time about never coming to visit me on Christmas.

Thought of the Day

It looks like the NHL has finally hit paydirt with their new 4 Nations Face-Off international hockey tournament, which averaged over 6.5 million viewers per game. They were actually going to call it – the 5 Nations Face-Off – but they couldn’t find enough players from Uruguay.

Thought of the Day

I think my dentist must be looking for more patients. I can tell because the other day I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for my appointment, and a tumbleweed rolled by.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you go into a barbershop at a nudist colony, and want a little off the top, don’t forget to be more specific.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many people were badly injured trying to invent the first stick of dynamite.

Thought of the Day

I was the best man at my friend Karl’s wedding. But I could tell his marriage was never going to last. When the church service started, and the young couple approached the altar, the minister made Karl take his headphones off.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t K.D. Lang be the perfect spokesperson for Kraft Dinner?

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we had this little Siamese cat named Lucky. In retrospect, it might not have been the best name for him. Lucky got hit by a Mexican doing 80 in a Chrysler Cordoba.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that they were trying to build the world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Tokyo – but it got cancelled. Apparently, the construction crews got as far as the 160th floor until God said, “Hey – cut it out.”

Thought of the Day

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what the hell does a banana do?

Thought of the Day

Everyone’s been protesting the U.S. tariffs lately by refusing to buy American products. So I’ve been doing my part... The other day, I stopped buying New England Clam Chowder – and bought some Newfoundland Clam Chowder instead. Fortunately, it’s just like New England Clam Chowder, except it tastes like Joey Smallwood.

Thought of the Day

My parakeet and I were watching TV the other night when I decided to turn on an episode of Scooby Doo. I was only a few minutes into the show when my parakeet looked over at me and said, “Who ever heard of a dog that can talk?”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if one-humped camels ever think about getting a hump transplant.

Thought of the Day

People seem to think the cheetah is the fastest animal on Earth. That may be true. But those same people have never seen my Uncle Clive when there’s a sale down at The Beer Store.

Thought of the Day

When I was in kindergarten, there was a guy in our class named Ned who could turn his eyelids inside out. I didn’t think Ned was ever going to amount to anything. But the other day, he went viral and now he’s got his own book deal.

Thought of the Day

I think people are getting a little too dependent on technology these days. I went over to see my friend Karl the other day and he just bought a remote to change his mind.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think there’s any reason to call them “handcuffs.” I think the “hand” part should be self-explanatory.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I don’t think kids should work with construction paper unless they’re going to wear a hardhat.

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Mamie always wanted to be a model – but her career never really got off the ground. Sure, she had a nice figure. But my aunt also had a bad case of “summer teeth.” Some were over here and some were over there.

Thought of the Day

They just hired a new security guy at the place where I work. He doesn’t carry a gun or anything. He just tells everyone everything’s going to be all right.

Thought of the Day

My father never tried to spank me when I was a child. I guess it was all because I caught him sneaking around with another woman.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who wrote The Book Of Love.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I didn’t have a Mr. Potato Head – I had a Mr. Tomato Head. He was just like Mr. Potato Head except he could brighten up any sandwich. 

Thought of the Day

I told my friend Karl once that I don’t believe in ghosts because I’ve never seen one before. He said, “I’ve never seen Romania either – but it still exists.” That’s about the time I punched him in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to stay out of jail is to not get caught in the first place.

Thought of the Day

They say that no two snowflakes in the world are alike. I don’t know about you. But I want to meet the guy who measured all those snowflakes.

Thought of the Day

To me, baseball is the perfect game for people who want to play a sport but don’t really feel like moving around.

Thought of the Day

If a flying saucer suddenly landed, and two aliens got out and told me to take them to my leader, I don’t think my boss would be too happy about it.