Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Elton John, and you’re heading out for a nice quiet day at the beach, you might want to leave the rhinestone lion tamer’s outfit at home.

Thought of the Day

I bought a sleeping bag once but I finally had to take it back. The snoring kept me awake all night.

Thought of the Day

I guess these new tariffs are really starting to hit home in the States now. I hear things are so bad that The Lone Ranger just laid off Tonto.

Thought of the Day

The world’s shortest review of Peter Gabriel’s album So: So what?

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a great white shark ate 17 Chinese swimmers near the seaside resort town of Sanya the other day. Apparently, he wasn’t going to attack them all. But the shark ate one and he was still hungry.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many chickens out there are missing fingers.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to hold up a bank is to lift with your legs.

Thought of the Day

 If you ask me, you’re not going to get a straight answer.

Thought of the Day

Plastic pollution is becoming a huge problem these days. I was reading that over 350 million tonnes of plastic is released into the environment every year. And two thirds of that is just Reba McEntire.

Elbows Up, Canada

Thought of the Day

People always say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have been born with wings.” I can’t get behind that. That’s like saying, “If man were meant to drive, he’d have been born with keys.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the average NFL player is paid over $3.2-million a year to play professional football. And I can understand why. I’d ask for a pile of money too if I was going to end up getting brain damage.

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who named the “Rocky Mountains” just wanted to go home early that day.

Thought of the Day

My neighbour warned me there’s a pack of wild dogs hanging around the neighbourhood – but I’m not worried. I hear the only thing they’ve been doing is staying up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is The Human Cannonball, and it’s your job to get shot out of a cannon, make sure you don’t get into a serious accident. You might have to change your name to The Barely Human Cannonball.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I’d rather have a five-leaf clover than a four-leaf clover. If I had a five-leaf clover, I could always sell it on eBay.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if hollow logs feel empty inside.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Egbert has never been great when it comes to remembering things. One time, his wife told him to go out and get some Oasis orange juice, and Egbert came back with Noel Gallagher.

Thought of the Day

I went to see a dog show in town the other day, and the Grand Champion was pretty incredible. Some lady from Toledo had taught her Pomeranian how to cheat on his income taxes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why people try and grow a ponytail when they don’t the first thing about horses.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I got a call from a scammer looking for money by pretending to be my grandson. So I gave him a hard time about never coming to visit me on Christmas.

Thought of the Day

It looks like the NHL has finally hit paydirt with their new 4 Nations Face-Off international hockey tournament, which averaged over 6.5 million viewers per game. They were actually going to call it – the 5 Nations Face-Off – but they couldn’t find enough players from Uruguay.

Thought of the Day

I think my dentist must be looking for more patients. I can tell because the other day I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for my appointment, and a tumbleweed rolled by.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you go into a barbershop at a nudist colony, and want a little off the top, don’t forget to be more specific.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder how many people were badly injured trying to invent the first stick of dynamite.

Thought of the Day

I was the best man at my friend Karl’s wedding. But I could tell his marriage was never going to last. When the church service started, and the young couple approached the altar, the minister made Karl take his headphones off.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t K.D. Lang be the perfect spokesperson for Kraft Dinner?

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we had this little Siamese cat named Lucky. In retrospect, it might not have been the best name for him. Lucky got hit by a Mexican doing 80 in a Chrysler Cordoba.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that they were trying to build the world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Tokyo – but it got cancelled. Apparently, the construction crews got as far as the 160th floor until God said, “Hey – cut it out.”

Thought of the Day

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what the hell does a banana do?

Thought of the Day

Everyone’s been protesting the U.S. tariffs lately by refusing to buy American products. So I’ve been doing my part... The other day, I stopped buying New England Clam Chowder – and bought some Newfoundland Clam Chowder instead. Fortunately, it’s just like New England Clam Chowder, except it tastes like Joey Smallwood.

Thought of the Day

My parakeet and I were watching TV the other night when I decided to turn on an episode of Scooby Doo. I was only a few minutes into the show when my parakeet looked over at me and said, “Who ever heard of a dog that can talk?”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if one-humped camels ever think about getting a hump transplant.

Thought of the Day

People seem to think the cheetah is the fastest animal on Earth. That may be true. But those same people have never seen my Uncle Clive when there’s a sale down at The Beer Store.

Thought of the Day

When I was in kindergarten, there was a guy in our class named Ned who could turn his eyelids inside out. I didn’t think Ned was ever going to amount to anything. But the other day, he went viral and now he’s got his own book deal.

Thought of the Day

I think people are getting a little too dependent on technology these days. I went over to see my friend Karl the other day and he just bought a remote to change his mind.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think there’s any reason to call them “handcuffs.” I think the “hand” part should be self-explanatory.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I don’t think kids should work with construction paper unless they’re going to wear a hardhat.

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Mamie always wanted to be a model – but her career never really got off the ground. Sure, she had a nice figure. But my aunt also had a bad case of “summer teeth.” Some were over here and some were over there.

Thought of the Day

They just hired a new security guy at the place where I work. He doesn’t carry a gun or anything. He just tells everyone everything’s going to be all right.

Thought of the Day

My father never tried to spank me when I was a child. I guess it was all because I caught him sneaking around with another woman.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who wrote The Book Of Love.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I didn’t have a Mr. Potato Head – I had a Mr. Tomato Head. He was just like Mr. Potato Head except he could brighten up any sandwich. 

Thought of the Day

I told my friend Karl once that I don’t believe in ghosts because I’ve never seen one before. He said, “I’ve never seen Romania either – but it still exists.” That’s about the time I punched him in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I think the best way to stay out of jail is to not get caught in the first place.

Thought of the Day

They say that no two snowflakes in the world are alike. I don’t know about you. But I want to meet the guy who measured all those snowflakes.

Thought of the Day

To me, baseball is the perfect game for people who want to play a sport but don’t really feel like moving around.

Thought of the Day

If a flying saucer suddenly landed, and two aliens got out and told me to take them to my leader, I don’t think my boss would be too happy about it.