The Scarecrow Report: Elbows Up, Canada

This Just In

In a stunning turn of events, Hollywood legend Tom Cruise has announced he's giving up the acting profession so that he can represent The Lollipop Guild. The 62-year-old munchkin and former action star said he knew it was time for the change when his last Mission Impossible movie underperformed at the box office – and he kept getting a kid's menu at the Cheesecake Factory. Cruise's duties at The Guild will include handing out lollipops, talking in a high-pitched voice, and mincing around in little tiny pants. The Wicked Witch of the West had little to say when reached for comment. "I'm melting!" she said.

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Monday, March 24, 2025

Elbows Up, Canada