Thought of the Day

I wonder if Cleopatra ever asked Marc Antony, “Does this toga make my ass look fat?”

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name’s Scooby-Doo, and a big scary monster is chasing after you, stop and see if it’s really Old Man Higgins in a mask. It'll save you an awful lot of time.

Thought of the Day

If I were a squirrel, and I had to make a bucket list, I think the first thing on my list would be: “Don’t get run over by a car.”

Thought of the Day

My dog is not very smart. I know that for a fact because he never finished high school.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Elvis only joined the army so they would protect him from all his screaming fans.

Thought of the Day

When a fly gets caught in a spider’s web, I wonder if he’s ever considered trying to bribe the spider with tickets to a Mets game.