Thought of the Day

A woman in Wisconsin was sentenced to life in prison for beating her husband to death with a frozen leg of lamb. If you ask me, she should’ve just given him the cold shoulder.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I ran into an old friend coming out of the doctor’s office. I asked him how he was doing. “Oh, fine,” he said. “Been having a little trouble with my short term memory though.” “That’s too bad,” I said. “What did the doctor say?” “He said, 'Something something, something something something.'”

Thought of the Day

I went for a haircut the other day, and my barber told me he’d just upped his prices. Normally, I would’ve complained. But I wasn’t about to argue with a guy carrying a pair of scissors.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four decided to call himself “Mr. Fantastic.” It sounds a lot cooler than “Big Long Stretchy Guy.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I was a magician’s assistant, and he was going to saw me in half, I’d want to see some credentials first.

Thought of the Day

My mother gave me a lot of good advice growing up. She told me to eat all my vegetables and always look both ways before I cross the street. But then, she also told me to bow down and worship Shirpa from the Planet Zarcon.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, Mr. Potato Head should’ve quit while he’s a head.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl tried to take a cheap flight to Bermuda once. But it didn’t turn out like he’d planned. I guess he should’ve known better when the mailman spotted his leg sticking out of the envelope.

Thought of the Day

I can still remember the day I took my dog in to get fixed. When I got him back in the car, the first thing he said to me was: “I’m going to get you for this.”

Thought of the Day

When Captain Kirk finished his five-year mission on Star Trek, I often wonder if he spent the next five years sending child support payments to all the aliens he’d been screwing across the galaxy.

Thought of the Day

I just read that a woman in Battle Creek, Michigan gave birth to twins recently and had the temerity to name them both "Cher." I guess the girls will have to learn how to Cher and Cher alike.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’re supposed to call a sheet of drywall when it gets wet.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I had a huge crush on Pattie Romano in the third grade. As I recall, Pattie had these long hairy arms and always brought a banana for lunch. I guess you could say she was the gorilla my dreams.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Luke Skywalker, and you’ve just discovered that Darth Vader is really your father, you might want to book another session with your analyst.