Thought of the Day

I can still remember the day I took my dog in to get fixed. When I got him back in the car, the first thing he said to me was: “I’m going to get you for this.”

Thought of the Day

When Captain Kirk finished his five-year mission on Star Trek, I often wonder if he spent the next five years sending child support payments to all the aliens he’d been screwing across the galaxy.

Thought of the Day

I just read that a woman in Battle Creek, Michigan gave birth to twins recently and had the temerity to name them both "Cher." I guess the girls will have to learn how to Cher and Cher alike.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what you’re supposed to call a sheet of drywall when it gets wet.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I had a huge crush on Pattie Romano in the third grade. As I recall, Pattie had these long hairy arms and always brought a banana for lunch. I guess you could say she was the gorilla my dreams.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Luke Skywalker, and you’ve just discovered that Darth Vader is really your father, you might want to book another session with your analyst.