Thought of the Day

I was reading that Stevie Nicks tried out as a pitcher once for the Chicago Cubs. She had a mean arm, and the team even considered giving her a contract. It’s too bad they had to let Stevie go. I guess she kept trying to snort the third base line.

Thought of the Day

I can’t understand why they don’t have a lost and found department at the casino. There must be all kinds of people there who’ve lost their shirt.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Leon. I didn’t have him for very long though. Leon kept following me around – so I finally had to get a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they don’t have elephants in the circus anymore. I’d leave too if all they paid me was peanuts.

Thought of the Day

I went to Walmart the other day to buy a star for the top of my Christmas tree. But they were all out. So I had to settle for Kato Kaelin.

Thought of the Day

I was going to try hazel nut milk once. But I thought it was a pretty nutty idea.

Thought of the Day

They say that George Washington used to wear a pair of false teeth made out of wood. I wonder if he ever tried cleaning them with Lemon Pledge.

Thought of the Day

My Aunt Shirl got arrested once trying to cross the border into Mexico. I guess the customs officials caught her trying to conceal the bags under her eyes.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why I have to buy a fishing license. It’s not like I’m going to drive a carp around the block or anything.