Thought of the Day

I hear that things in Russia are getting more democratic all the time. In the next election for instance, Russians now have the option of voting for Vladimir Putin or Vladimir Putin.

Thought of the Day

When “Weird Al” dies, I wonder if people will start referring to him as “Not So Weird Al.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people play Lotto 649 every week and expect to win the lottery. The odds of actually winning the jackpot is over 13-million to 1. To put that in perspective, that’s about the same chance of finding something nutritious in a box of Kellogg’s Sugar Smacks.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Little Red Riding Hood was aspiring to be a Communist.

Thought of the Day

I bought a pair of alligator shoes once – but they didn’t fit very well. I couldn’t understand why until I heard a knock at the door one day. It was an alligator. He said, “I think you got the box marked ‘Luis.’”

Thought of the Day

I think my dog must be part Jewish. To be honest, I’m not 100% sure. But the last time my dog ran to bite the mailman, he came back because the guy wasn’t kosher.

Thought of the Day

My accountant told me the other day I should really start cutting back on my expenses. So I fired him.

Thought of the Day

If The Incredible Hulk is so incredible then how come I’ve never seen him land a guest spot on Stephen Colbert?

Thought of the Day

My friends had a baby boy – and decided to call him “Bluetooth.” I thought that was a pretty weird idea. That is, until they showed me he was born with his own QR code.

Thought of the Day

My family went to Germany once when I was a kid. I can’t say I had a great time. It took me over three months to track them down.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is really proud of himself. He lost over 150 pounds last year. I guess it wasn’t that hard either. All he had to do was tell his girlfriend to get out.