Thought of the Day

I really need to clean out my refrigerator more often. The other day, I cleaned it out and had to donate all my radishes to science.

Thought of the Day

I tried to play the trombone once – but I had to give it up. The geese kept showing up at my door with a bouquet of flowers.

Thought of the Day

Back in my college days, I was going out with a girl who worked at Sunkist. Man – I could tell you some juicy stories.

Thought of the Day

I think if The Beatles knew they were going to be so famous, they would’ve made it a point to spell their name correctly.

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, I don’t think it’s right to dress referees up like they’ve just escaped from a chain gang.

Thought of the Day

I was reading all about the time former President George H.W. Bush went skydiving at the age of 90. I guess the whole exercise took over three hours! Ten minutes for the president to jump – and three hours to convince his Secret Service detail to jump out with him.

Thought of the Day

I wonder how many people walking around are really just werewolves who decided to try electrolysis.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl was finally banned from Walmart. And I guess I’m not surprised. He bought a bottle of pure spring water there recently and tried to return it. When they asked him why, he said: “This tastes like fall.”

Thought of the Day

If the early bird always catches the worm then I’m not setting my alarm clock.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think it’s right to call it “canned” salmon at the supermarket. I’m sure the salmon feel bad enough as it is.

A Very Scarecrow Announcement

We hate to disappoint our one reader in Paraguay. But we thought it best to let them know we’ve just returned from the Winter Olympics in Italy, where we were participating in the Canadian Snow Angel Team.

Alas, our dream of winning the gold has finally gone – kaput. We got beat by Mozambique – which is sad really because the closest they’ve come to a snowflake is the Slurpee machine at 7-Eleven.

Ah, well. There’s always 2030.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to try speed reading again. I tried to read War and Peace with it once but I ran into a speed trap on page four.

Thought of the Day

When I was growing up, we didn’t have a milkman. We had a chocolate milkman. He was just like a regular milkman except he was much sweeter.

Thought of the Day

When hunting season starts, I often wonder how many people go off into the forest to look for their remote.

Thought of the Day

I went to see the vet the other day to go over my dog’s test results. He said, “Well. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the good news?” I said. “The good news is his tests came back okay.” “That’s great… What’s the bad news?” “The bad news is he still needs to work on his algebra.”

Thought of the Day

I wonder if strippers ever go to a nudist colony just to get in some practice.

Thought of the Day

I hit a squirrel on the road the other day. And it was a really upsetting experience. Particularly when he tried to sue me for everything I had.

Thought of the Day

When they first invented Swiss cheese, I wonder how many cheesemakers were fired for doing such a half-assed job.

Thought of the Day

I was walking by the water the other day when I noticed several ducks diving for food. I finally asked them what they were eating. “Nothing,” one of them said. “We’re looking for Freddie’s contact lens.”

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented the tent had a zipper on his front door.

Thought of the Day

I hear that things in Russia are getting more democratic all the time. In the next election for instance, Russians now have the option of voting for Vladimir Putin or Vladimir Putin.

Thought of the Day

When “Weird Al” dies, I wonder if people will start referring to him as “Not So Weird Al.”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people play Lotto 649 every week and expect to win the lottery. The odds of actually winning the jackpot is over 13-million to 1. To put that in perspective, that’s about the same chance of finding something nutritious in a box of Kellogg’s Sugar Smacks.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if Little Red Riding Hood was aspiring to be a Communist.

Thought of the Day

I bought a pair of alligator shoes once – but they didn’t fit very well. I couldn’t understand why until I heard a knock at the door one day. It was an alligator. He said, “I think you got the box marked ‘Luis.’”

Thought of the Day

I think my dog must be part Jewish. To be honest, I’m not 100% sure. But the last time my dog ran to bite the mailman, he came back because the guy wasn’t kosher.

Thought of the Day

My accountant told me the other day I should really start cutting back on my expenses. So I fired him.

Thought of the Day

If The Incredible Hulk is so incredible then how come I’ve never seen him land a guest spot on Stephen Colbert?

Thought of the Day

My friends had a baby boy – and decided to call him “Bluetooth.” I thought that was a pretty weird idea. That is, until they showed me he was born with his own QR code.

Thought of the Day

My family went to Germany once when I was a kid. I can’t say I had a great time. It took me over three months to track them down.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is really proud of himself. He lost over 150 pounds last year. I guess it wasn’t that hard either. All he had to do was tell his girlfriend to get out.