scene: The family room in
the Cleaver household. The room is empty with the exception of Ward Cleaver who is leaning back in his
easy chair, pipe at his side, intently leafing through a magazine called Leather Bondage Boys. Beaver comes in the front door and Ward jumps before
throwing his magazine behind the chair.
beaver: Hi,
Dad!
ward: Oh. Uh, hi, Beaver.
beaver: Hey, guess what? We
just had a test today—I got an A in personal
hygiene! Isn’t that keen?
ward: Uh, Beaver, I think
you’d better sit down. We need to talk... (June enters.)
june: Oh, uh, hi, Beaver.
beaver: (sits) Say,
why’s everybody so gloomy all of a sudden? Is it about that squirrel I flushed
down the toilet? I can explain. Honest!
ward: No, no. Beaver, your mother and I have been doing a
lot of thinking. We’ve been grading your performance
lately and you see, well...we’re going to let you go
beaver: What?!
june: Sorry, Beaver. We
just needed a son that’s more... reasonable.
ward: Yes, where is that
boy? (Calling.) Oh, Son! (Eddie Haskell enters the room with a big
dopey look on his face. He throws himself on the couch, arms behind his head.)
eddie: Howdy, folks! (to
Beaver) Heya, squirt! You still here?
beaver: I don’t believe this!
eddie: Well, get used to it,
TV-boy. (Turns to June.) Why, that’s a very nice sweater, Mrs. Cleaver.
june: Why thank you,
Eddie... But please, you’re family now. Call me Mommy.
eddie: (smiling)
Oooh, Mommy...I think I need a spanking. I’ve been bad...
beaver: Hey! Don’t say that
to my mother!
eddie: Aw, whatta you want
from me? Your mom’s a nice piece of ass.
june: (running her hand
up Eddie’s arm, a little suggestively) Oh, Ward, isn’t he cute?
beaver: This isn’t fair! How
can you pick that creep over me?!
ward: Now, now, Beaver.
This is all for your own good. You know if you’d only given your mother those
sponge baths like she’d asked, this never would’ve happened.
beaver: Yeah but gee. I
didn’t want to feel all funny and stuff..
june: Oh, c’mon Beaver.
They do stuff like that on the internet all the time.
beaver: Mom, this is the
Fifties! The internet hasn’t even been invented yet!
june: Oh, you shut up. (Wally suddenly enters the room carrying a milk crate full of clothes and
football pennants.)
beaver: Wally! Hey, Wally! What are you doing?!
wally: (bitter) Just
got my walking papers, Beave.
beaver: What?! Not you too!
wally: Yeah. I got traded to
the Hendersons for a case of Yoo-Hoo and a fourth round draft pick.
ward: (low) Third
round.
wally: Fascist!
beaver: Wally, don’t go...we
can beat this...we can get Lumpy and–
wally: (irked, heads for
the front door) Get used to it, Beave. This isn’t Mayfield anymore. This is
fucking Stalingrad! (Exits.)
eddie: And good riddance.
wally: (off in the distance) Asshole!
ward: (points pipe)
Now Beaver, we’ll give you an hour to clear out your things. Don’t worry. I’m
sure you’ll find work. I hear they could use a few extras over on Father
Knows Best.
beaver: (raving, pointing
his finger) This is bullshit...you can’t do this to me! I’m the star of
this fucking puppet show! You’ll pay for this—mark my words! You haven’t seen
the last of me yet! No sir...I’ll tell my friends! I’ll tell my lawyer! I’ll
tell the world! (Beaver exits. Seconds later, he returns.)
ward: (points) Your
room is that way, Beaver.
beaver: And another thing.
Fuck you! Fuck you—and the horse you rode
in on! (Leaves again.)
ward: (pauses, finally)
Eddie, go give the Beaver a little...severance pay. (Eddie gets up, cracks
his knuckles. Ward grabs Eddie’s sweater to stop him.) Go easy on the
kneecaps. (Eddie follows. June comes to Ward’s side.)j
une: Ward, I’m worried
about the Beaver. I think he might do something. You know, he’s still got that
German machine gun collection of his.
ward: Oh, I don’t think so dear. (Ward opens an envelope and
pulls out a few photos. He looks one up and down.) You see, the Beaver has
a way with little girls. And so will People Magazine.
(Dramatic music. Fade out.)
FINI.
