Thought of the Day

I went to the bakery the other day and asked the lady at the counter if they had any Italian bread. “No,” she said, “but we do have a roll that’s from out of town.”

Thought of the Day

The next time Jack Frost starts nipping at my nose, I’m going to slap him with a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I know all of the other reindeers wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But I wouldn’t have got too worked up about it. I hear the only thing reindeers like to play is backgammon.

Thought of the Day

I bought tickets to see Elton John once. Unfortunately, it was tickets to see Elton John doing his taxes.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, the principal tried to give me the strap once. I said, “Hey. I’m not into that kinda stuff, you weirdo!”

Thought of the Day

I’m done trying to build a better mousetrap. I’m just gonna buy a frigging cat already.

Thought of the Day

They say it’s a bad idea to let a bull into a china shop. And I totally agree. But I think you should make an exception if he’s willing to pay with American Express.

Thought of the Day

I ordered a stripper for my friend’s bachelor party one time. And you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my sister! I was going to send her home. But then I thought, what the hell. The kid’s gotta work her way through college somehow.

Thought of the Day

Wood burning sets aren’t for everyone. But they are a good way to practice if you want to become a pyromaniac.

Thought of the Day

I went to an “all you can eat” seafood restaurant the other day and ended up eating all their baby shrimp. I guess I got a little shellfish.

Thought of the Day

People always say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can’t say I felt the same way when they took out my appendix.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the comedy magic duo Penn & Teller. And I’m sure you know Teller never says a word on stage. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. Teller can’t speak because he got his balls shot off in Korea.

A Fond Farewell

Thought of the Day

You can tell man o’ wars must get lonely. You never see any woman o’ wars around.

Thought of the Day

I think armrests discriminate against people who don’t have arms.

Thought of the Day

I bought a book the other day but I had to take it back. The first three pages were blank.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a supervillain, and plotting to take over the world, don’t forget you’re also going to inherit North Korea, global warming, and the entire cast of The Buddy Holly Story. Trust me. You don’t want to mess with Gary Busey.

Thought of the Day

I know you can’t say the word “fat” any more. But does that mean you can’t sit around a potbelly stove?

Thought of the Day

I just bought a communication enhancement app the other day. You might’ve heard of it. It’s called a pencil.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Lucius was an incredible miner when he was growing up. It’s just too bad he never used that talent to become a rich man. You can only do so much with booger nuggets.