Thought of the Day

My cousin has never had a problem growing a moustache…which is unfortunate because her name is Krystal.

Warning! Harmful Stereotype Ahead

Thought of the Day

I don’t have any problem with getting a groundhog to predict the weather. I just think the first guy to suggest the idea must’ve been really high.

Thought of the Day

I tried to be a pimp once, when I was eight-years-old. But it didn’t last very long. I could never get my mom to show a little leg.

Thought of the Day

If Aquaman ate a tuna fish sandwich, I wonder if he’d have to wait an hour before he could go in swimming.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re looking for a job, and your first name is “Dwayne,” you might want to avoid applying to anything in the bathtub industry.

Thought of the Day

I don’t think CBS is doing well financially these days. I hear things are so bad they just cut 60 Minutes down to half an hour.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Americans are so enamored with the Constitution. It was written by the same guys who thought that wearing wooden teeth was a good idea.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got charged with distracted driving one time. But they didn’t catch him texting on his phone. He was busy watching a girl in a halter top.

Thought of the Day

 I think it’s okay to put a hat and coat on your dog. Just be aware that he’s going to get you back for it.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to play water polo again. Sure, it was fun and everything. But it took me forever to get the horses in those little tiny bathing suits.

Thought of the Day

I have this little chickadee that keeps tapping on my window every morning. So I finally went to see what all the noise was about. He just wanted to tell me that my bird seed is crap.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that some guy just discovered Amelia Earhart’s plane after it disappeared over the Pacific 87 years ago. I’ll have to give him a call and see if he can help me find my car keys.

Thought of the Day

I think the schools are taking things a little too far when it comes to banning books. I hear one school board in Alabama just banned Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham. Apparently they thought the green eggs and ham were getting too familiar with one another.

Thought of the Day

If at first you don’t succeed, you don’t succeed.

Thought of the Day

I went to Switzerland for vacation once but it took me forever to get anywhere. All the drivers were stuck in neutral.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know about you. But if I bought some breakfast cereal, and it started going “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” I’d break out the fire extinguisher.

Thought of the Day

For years now, scientists have been saying it was a giant meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. If you ask me, I think it was their refusal to switch to decaf.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if any plainclothes police officers have been fired for wearing lime green chinos.

Thought of the Day

I like to collect all the shoes I find by the side of the road. That way, if I see a girl hobbling around on one shoe, I’ve got a good opening line.