Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the worst thing about being a Siamese twin is having to wait around while the other one takes a dump.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never quite understood why pirates always have a peg leg. I guess when you go in for the job interview, the first thing they ask you is: “Do you have one leg or two?”

Thought of the Day

I finally had to break up with my girlfriend last week. I wasn’t planning to – but I felt something kept coming between us... She had a mole the size of Rhode Island.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re married to the fat lady at the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, and she asks you, “Do these pants make me look fat?” you’re supposed to say “yes.”

Thought of the Day

I can understand why they call them red-headed woodpeckers. Your head would be red too if you kept hitting it against a tree all the time.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been much of a swinger myself. But I am partial to the monkey bars.

Thought of the Day

I was over at my girlfriend’s place one time and started snacking out of a tray sitting in her kitchen. She came back in the room. “This trail mix is really crunchy,” I said. My girlfriend just frowned at me. “You’re eating out of the cat box,” she said.

Thought of the Day

Newfoundland didn’t decide to join Canada until 1949 – 82 years after the other provinces. I think if Canada knew it was going to take that long for Newfoundland to make up its mind, it should’ve asked Poland instead.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… When you finally get the chance to meet your hot next door neighbour, don’t introduce yourself as “that scruffy-looking guy who’s been stalking you.”

Thought of the Day

I was reading that Seal’s real name is Henry Olusegun Adeola Samuel. Personally, I prefer “Seal.”

Thought of the Day

I noticed the Secret Service were mentioned on the news the other day. I guess that means they’re doing a pretty piss-poor job.

Thought of the Day

I think my goldfish has been embezzling from me. To be honest, I don’t have any real proof. But the other day I was looking at my Disney Plus invoice and noticed someone had rented The Little Mermaid – three times.

Thought of the Day

I always carry a pocket mirror around with me. Not to fix my hair or anything. I just hold it up to my mouth to make sure I’m still breathing.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl started a new job as a store detective at The Bay so we decided to get caught up after work. “How’d your day go?” I asked. “Well, “ Karl said, “I had a big mess in the underwear department.” I just looked at him. “That’s more than I needed to know,” I said.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand the band U2. Their members are Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. They should call themselves U4.

Thought of the Day

The other night I was driving through the country when a huge spaceship suddenly landed in front of me – and two aliens stepped out. I thought they were going to ask me to take them to my leader or something. Turns out, they just wanted to know where they could find the nearest Hooters.

Thought of the Day

I had an Aunt Shirl once who thought she was a racehorse. So my Uncle Sid finally took her to see a psychiatrist. My uncle would’ve got Shirl in sooner – but he couldn’t find anyone who wanted to ride her at Santa Anita.

Thought of the Day

I think men would trade places with a cat in a heartbeat if they thought they could get away with licking their own balls.

Thought of the Day

I think the weatherman on Channel 4 is starting to get sick of his job. The other day, I tried turning on his weather forecast, and all I heard him say was: “Look out your fucking window.”

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?