I wouldn’t mind going to hell – as long as I can bring along
some suntan lotion.
Monday, July 8, 2024
Friday, July 5, 2024
Thought of the Day
I’ve
been studying the Pittsburgh Penguins lately – and their team logo is a huge
pissed off penguin with a hockey stick. I don’t know if it’s just me. But I had
no idea penguins have anger management issues.
Friday, June 28, 2024
Thought of the Day
There’s
a big difference between chickens that are raised in the city and chickens that
are raised in the country. Chickens raised in the city are much more jaded.
Thursday, June 27, 2024
Thought of the Day
I tried to pick up a mermaid at a bar the other night
but she wouldn’t give me her number. She just said her address was “water,
water, water.”
Wednesday, June 26, 2024
Thought of the Day
I’ve often wondered why Frankenstein always has those two
knobs on his neck. I guess one's for sharpness and one’s for contrast.
Tuesday, June 25, 2024
Thought of the Day
I went to the gas station the other day, and noticed the
price of gas had gone up 22 cents a litre! I went inside and asked the guy why
the price had jumped so high. He said, “Because I need a new jacuzzi.”
Monday, June 24, 2024
Thought of the Day
I
was involved in a bad car accident the other day. I tried setting my coffee
down and it dumped all over the upholstery.
Friday, June 21, 2024
Thought of the Day
Here’s a helpful tip… If your name is Mickey Mouse, and
Minnie wants to get a little amorous, you better get Walt Disney to start
drawing you anatomically correct.
Thursday, June 20, 2024
Thought of the Day
I’ve never understood why possums always play dead when
they’re cornered by a predator. If I were a possum, I’d rather play alive and
get the hell out of there.
Wednesday, June 19, 2024
Thought of the Day
There’s
a good reason why you won’t see an elephant hitchhiking by the side of the
road. Elephants don’t have opposable thumbs.
Tuesday, June 18, 2024
Thought of the Day
Restaurant owners who try offering an “All You Can Eat”
special always end up losing their shirts. If I had a special like that I’d
just hang up a sign that says: “All you can eat – as long as you’re a marsupial.”
Monday, June 17, 2024
Thought of the Day
When I get on an
airplane, I don’t need some flight attendant to tell me how to use my seat as a
floatation device. I just need to know where I can store my pontoon boat.
Friday, June 7, 2024
Thought of the Day
I
threw a quarter into a wishing well the other day – and made a wish – but
nothing happened. Now I just wish I had my quarter back.
Thursday, June 6, 2024
Thought of the Day
My cousin Louie has always been fond of dogs. I guess
that’s what finally got him arrested.
Wednesday, June 5, 2024
Thought of the Day
I can understand why they call them “dust bunnies.” When I
look under my furniture, they always seem to be multiplying.
Tuesday, June 4, 2024
Thought of the Day
Do you want to know how to make your own goat milk? It's easy. You just buy a carton of oat milk and write a “G” on it.
Monday, June 3, 2024
Thought of the Day
My friend Karl always tells me his first marriage fell
apart because his wife couldn’t stand his cologne. And I can kinda see where
she’s coming from. Karl’s favourite cologne is called “Hawaiian Drug Dealer.”
Friday, May 31, 2024
Thought of the Day
I often wonder how wild antelopes figure out who their
friends are. I guess their mothers must take them out to the watering hole and
say, “Now, honey – you stay away from that tiger over there... He ate Uncle
Lucius!”
Thursday, May 30, 2024
Thought of the Day
I’ve been watching a lot of old-time westerns lately. And
there doesn’t seem to be many qualifications if you want to join a cattle
drive. As far as I can tell, all you need is a horse and know how to yell
“Yip-pee!”
Wednesday, May 29, 2024
Thought of the Day
I tried eating chocolate covered ants once. They were
actually pretty good! But then I thought – I really have to stop fooling around
with my fondue set.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)