Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip... If you’re graduating from Starfleet Academy, and your first starship assignment involves wearing a red shirt, you might want to say “no.”

Thought of the Day

Hollywood legend Charlton Heston won an Academy Award for playing the title role in 1959’s Ben-Hur. And I understand his family would’ve got a princely sum for it at auction after Heston died in 2008. But they just couldn’t pry it from his cold, dead hands.

Thought of the Day

I was walking along the beach one day, when I spotted a bottle bobbing in the water. And there was a note inside. I thought it might be somebody in trouble. Maybe a castaway stranded on a desert island. Turns out, it was just Charlie Sheen looking for someone to save his career.

Thought of the Day

If your local 7-Eleven was off the beaten path, does that mean it’d be an inconvenience store?

Thought of the Day

The Rolling Stones just announced they’ll be playing a brand new slate of concerts this year at dozens of stadiums and amphitheatres worldwide. It’s all part of their ongoing No Filter Tour. Or as I like to call it, the Antiques Roadshow.

Thought of the Day

Sure, the Bat-Signal sounds like a great idea. But if Commissioner Gordon really wants to get a hold of Batman, why doesn’t he just send him a text?

Thought of the Day

I just bought an old black and white TV set. It’s working great so far. The only problem is when I turn on the ball game, I can’t see the colour commentators.

Thought of the Day

I was driving around the other day and noticed a store that had a sign out front that said, “Live Bait For Sale.” So I went inside. “Can I help you?” the guy asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Have you got Live Bait’s new album?”

Thought of the Day

I don’t know much about horseflies, really. All I know is it must be impossible to get your feet into those little stirrups.

Thought of the Day

Why can’t Apple get their iPhones right the first time? I’m sure some day you’ll hear your friend say, “Hey man – have you got the iPhone Billion? It beats the pants off iPhone Gazillion!”

Thought of the Day

Scarlet Johansson is easy on the eyes. So are my new contacts.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl got divorced from his wife recently. She’d really broken his heart. She’d also broken his golf clubs, his bone china, and his limited edition of The Allman Brothers’ Eat A Peach.

Something's The Matter With Bruce

I got another call from Bruce Hornsby last night. He wanted to apologize for the way he’d been acting lately. It sounds like this whole COVID thing has really got him up a tree, and he went a little overboard on the Sinutabs. Besides, things haven’t been quite the same since that rat bastard Don Henley (his words, not mine) stopped returning his calls. I said, “Hey, Bruce, forget about it. That’s just the way it is.”

Something's The Matter With Bruce

 

Bruce Hornsby says I shouldn’t be making fun of a three-time Grammy Award winner with more gold and platinum records than you can shake a stick at. I think he even used the word “punk.” I finally had to hang up on him... The guy was biting into my couch time.

Something's The Matter With Bruce

I thought I’d heard the last of that graham cracker Bruce Hornsby. Man, was I wrong. I just got off the phone with him.

Something's The Matter With Bruce

Bruce Hornsby just sent me a nasty email to complain about my last post. Hopefully he doesn’t sick “The Range” on me.

Thought of the Day

A friend told me that fax machines are virtually obsolete now. So I went and sold mine to Bruce Hornsby.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that the SpaceX Corporation has plans to begin colonizing Mars by the year 2029. And a quarter of a million people have already registered for the expedition. If you ask me, I think it’s doomed from the start. Apparently half of those people just signed up so they can take a selfie.

Thought of the Day

If Ozzy Osborne lived in Australia, does that mean they’d call him “Aussie”?

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a cow, and want to get into a relationship with another consenting cow, it might be a good idea to check their Best Before Date.