scene: The Prime
Minister’s office. The Prime Minister is busy sharpening pencils. He's examining one after the other when the phone rings. He looks over and grabs it across his expansive desk.
pm:
(on phone) Hello? Yes, Major… Look, if it’s about that raise again,
you’ll just– What’s that? He what?? Yes, I know you were planning
to… Well, how many people have been told? I see… This is unacceptable, Major—completely unacceptable. I want a full report from operations as soon as
possible! (Hangs up the receiver, and stares into space.) My God... This
is a disaster. What’ll I do… What’ll I do? (The door opens suddenly and
dark figures enter the room. A giant caribou man steps forward.)
captain: Maybe we could help, Mr. Prime Minister…
pm:
(shock) What the– Who are you?
captain: We are…
all heroes:
(fanfare) The Group of Seven!
captain: I’m Captain Caribou, Pride of the Yukon. And these are my fearless companions…
snowman:
(A man of snow and ice formally salutes.) Snowman—at your service.
hat trick:
(A magician with a French accent bows lowly.) And Hat Trick. Master of the Mystic Topper! (Takes off his hat.)Voilà! (He makes a white rabbit
appear and gives it to the Prime Minister.) Here… Have a bunny.
pm:
(pause) That’s three…
captain: That’s a cottontail, sir.
pm:
No, no. You said seven. There are only three of you.
snowman:
Well…uh. The Husky ran away…
hat trick:
And we ate The Fiddleheads by mistake. It’s a long story, really.
captain: Oh, for God’s sake... Where’s Maple Boy?
hat trick:
Getting change for the meter, Cap. We’re all out of quarters.
pm:
Gentlemen—please! This is a dire emergency. I just got word Justin Bieber’s
disappeared!
snowman:
(low) That’s a good thing, isn’t it?
hat trick:
Shh!
captain:
Mother in heaven! What happened, sir?
pm:
Some of the boys out in Red Deer hired this Bieber fellow for a private
concert. Wanted to keep it off the record, you see.
captain: Understandable.
pm:
Well, the Mounties turned their backs for one minute—one minute—and Justin
Bieber was gone. Vanished without a trace... Now his handlers are up in
arms! The Opposition’s calling for my head! Gentlemen, a young man is in
danger—our country’s very reputation is at stake!
captain: Never fear, Mr. Prime Minister. My teammates and I will get right on it! We
must make the world safe again for all self-respecting Canuck popstars…
snowman: And
tabloid talk shows everywhere.
pm:
Then good hunting, men. Keep me posted! And, uh…Mr. Hat Trick?
hat trick:
Yes, sir?
pm: Clean up after this rabbit, will you?
(Dramatic
music. Fade out.)
