scene: A steam-filled factory. The sound of machinery can be
heard in the background. The steam clears a little to reveal Captain Caribou
hanging from the ceiling. He’s wrapped head to toe in huge metal chains.
captain:
(weak) Oh…my head... Feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck.
Twice.
snowman: You
can say that again…
captain:
What the–? (He turns his head. Snowman and Hat Trick are also tied up with
him.) Snowman! Hat Trick! How’d you fellows get here?
snowman: Try
asking your Ma…
hat trick:
Damn that cocoa was good!
blue nose: (Distant
as if calling down to them) Perhaps you should’ve gone easy on the sugar
cookies, my friend!
snowman: Look!
Up there!
captain:
It’s Blue Nose!
blue nose: (on a catwalk high above) Yes, Cappytain…so, we meet again! I see
you’ve come to stick your supernoses where they don’t belong. So nice of you to—hang
around.
captain:
You won’t get away with this, you madman! Once we break out of these chains,
we’ll–
blue nose: You’ll
stay right where you are, my friends! I have a hostage…
hat trick:
(pause) What’d he say?
snowman: Something
about sausage…
captain:
We don’t want any sausage!
blue nose: No,
no! I said, I have…oh, never mind. I kill you later. Look who I have
here… (He opens a large metal box at his side to reveal an aged guitarist.)
captain:
Dear God, man. He’s got Gordon Lightfoot!
gordon lightfoot:
(sings “Sundown”) I can see her lying back in her satin–
blue nose:
Now, now! That’s enough from you. Back in the box… (He closes the lid on him.)
snowman: The
fiend!
blue nose: Yes!
No more Gord for you, little Snowycone!
snowman: That's Snowy– That’s Snowman!
blue nose: Potato,
po-tato. Tomato, to-mato.
captain: What’ve you done
with the others?
blue nose: Ah,
yes. The Anne Murrays and the Geddy Lees. I have them neatly boxed away. You
see, I’m going to turn all of them into tasty fudge pop-sicles! And that
includes you, my friends…
hat trick:
Uh… Don’t look now, Cap. (They all look down. They’re hanging above a giant
vat of boiling fudge.)
captain: Oh boy…
snowman: That’s
one helluva fondue set…
blue nose:
Yes! I tried out for Canada’s Got Talent—but
they wouldn’t let me on! Them and that Simon Cowell sissypants! Well, now I’ll
make them pay. I’ll make all of Canada pay! I’ll replace all the music in
the world with my—Austrian
zither music! (He pulls out a zither and begins playing.) And now for my
salute to Wiener schnitzel…
hat trick: I
can’t take this much longer, Cap... I’m actually starting to like his playing!
captain: (low)
We’ve got one chance. Snowman, can you get a hand loose?
snowman: I
think so.
captain: See
if you can hit that switch up there—get us out of this
mess.
snowman: Gotcha.
Snowball…12 o’clock high! (He fires a snowball and hits the switch. Their
chain begins lowering.) Uh oh.
captain: That
would be down…
blue nose: Thank
you for making my job so much easier, Snowyflake! Now, if you’ll excuse me,
super-dupermen, I must– (His music stops suddenly and Blue
Nose screams. He goes flying past the heroes and falls into the giant
vat of fudge.)
hat trick:
What the hell was that?
snowman: Look!
Over there!
captain: For
God’s sake—it’s
Maple Boy! (A small caped figure appears on the catwalk above.)
maple boy: (distant)
You were expecting, maybe, Burton Cummings? (He hits the switch and the
chain reels them all in. They start breaking out of their bonds.) Yep. The
old maple syrup gun still works like a charm.
captain: Nice
work, Maple Boy! But how’d you find us?
maple boy: (gestures)
Easy. It was right here in the script!
snowman: Quick!
Somebody get Mr. Lightfoot out of that box… (They rip open the metal case.)
You all right, sir?
gordon lightfoot:
Damn that cocoa was good…
captain: Well,
fellows, looks like Canada’s music scene is finally safe. And Blue Nose’s going to go great with some Chapman’s and a
few chopped walnuts. Now, let’s get Bieber and company out of those boxes before– (His cellphone rings. He takes it
out.) Hello..? Ma! Where are you? Myrtle Beach! You never told me you were– Yeah…I’m eating well. Yeah, Ma, I’m–
No… No... No, I didn’t know about Aunt Vera’s hysterectomy…
hat trick:
Uh, Cap?
captain: Yeah?
hat trick:
(with metal box) Can we keep Justin Bieber boxed up a while longer? I
want to enjoy my life again.
captain: (pause)
Hat Trick… How good are you at making mothers disappear?
(Dramatic music. Fade out.)
FINI.
