A Christmas Interlude

Thought of the Day

I don’t really care for frogs’ legs. I’m more partial to frogs’ arms.

Thought of the Day

I had a German Shepherd once when I was growing up. But my parents had to get rid of it. They found out it was working for the Nazis.

Thought of the Day

I went to the bakery the other day and asked the lady at the counter if they had any Italian bread. “No,” she said, “but we do have a roll that’s from out of town.”

Thought of the Day

The next time Jack Frost starts nipping at my nose, I’m going to slap him with a restraining order.

Thought of the Day

I know all of the other reindeers wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. But I wouldn’t have got too worked up about it. I hear the only thing reindeers like to play is backgammon.

Thought of the Day

I bought tickets to see Elton John once. Unfortunately, it was tickets to see Elton John doing his taxes.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, the principal tried to give me the strap once. I said, “Hey. I’m not into that kinda stuff, you weirdo!”

Thought of the Day

I’m done trying to build a better mousetrap. I’m just gonna buy a frigging cat already.

Thought of the Day

They say it’s a bad idea to let a bull into a china shop. And I totally agree. But I think you should make an exception if he’s willing to pay with American Express.

Thought of the Day

I ordered a stripper for my friend’s bachelor party one time. And you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to be my sister! I was going to send her home. But then I thought, what the hell. The kid’s gotta work her way through college somehow.

Thought of the Day

Wood burning sets aren’t for everyone. But they are a good way to practice if you want to become a pyromaniac.

Thought of the Day

I went to an “all you can eat” seafood restaurant the other day and ended up eating all their baby shrimp. I guess I got a little shellfish.

Thought of the Day

People always say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can’t say I felt the same way when they took out my appendix.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure you’ve all heard of the comedy magic duo Penn & Teller. And I’m sure you know Teller never says a word on stage. But here’s something you probably didn’t know. Teller can’t speak because he got his balls shot off in Korea.

A Fond Farewell

Thought of the Day

You can tell man o’ wars must get lonely. You never see any woman o’ wars around.

Thought of the Day

I think armrests discriminate against people who don’t have arms.

Thought of the Day

I bought a book the other day but I had to take it back. The first three pages were blank.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re a supervillain, and plotting to take over the world, don’t forget you’re also going to inherit North Korea, global warming, and the entire cast of The Buddy Holly Story. Trust me. You don’t want to mess with Gary Busey.

Thought of the Day

I know you can’t say the word “fat” any more. But does that mean you can’t sit around a potbelly stove?

Thought of the Day

I just bought a communication enhancement app the other day. You might’ve heard of it. It’s called a pencil.

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Lucius was an incredible miner when he was growing up. It’s just too bad he never used that talent to become a rich man. You can only do so much with booger nuggets.

Thought of the Day

Raining cats and dogs isn’t so bad. It’s the clean up afterwards that’s a real bitch.

Thought of the Day

If you put out a bear trap, and catch a moose, you might want to double check the instructions.

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Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why Elton John always wears those big capes and flashy rhinestone outfits. My Uncle Dave used to dress up like that and we finally had to put him away.

Thought of the Day

If animals in the zoo could talk, I think the first thing they’d say is: “I want to see my lawyer!”

Thought of the Day

We don’t see our Uncle Harry much any more. But I guess that’s what happens when you get caught selling pure grade heroin.

Thought of the Day

The other day, I gave my parakeet a little bit of marijuana. It didn’t seem to bother him at first. But now all he wants to do is listen to my Grateful Dead records.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if it’s just me but I don’t know a single elephant who's a Republican.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know who came up with the terms “soft ball” and “hard ball” but it certainly wasn’t Einstein. Have you ever been hit by one? I think they should be called “hard ball” and “even harder ball.”

Thought of the Day

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in the world, I would definitely tell you about it.

Thought of the Day

I had a crazy dream the other night that I was eating this enormous box of Shredded Wheat. It must’ve been ten feet tall! I didn’t think too much about it when I woke up. That is until I realized my wicker table was missing.

Thought of the Day

They always say, “Don’t mess with Mother Nature.” That’s all well and good. But if you ask me, I wouldn’t want to mess with Stepmother Nature.

Thought of the Day

If John Lennon were alive today, it would be pretty amazing. Especially with him being dead and all.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never understood why they keep Dalmatians at fire halls. I think if you’re relying on a dog to put your fire out, you better kiss your house goodbye.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand people who spend thousands of dollars going on vacation to places like Florida or the Bahamas. If I want to get away for a while, all I do is go outside and lie on a piece of sandpaper.

Thought of the Day

I had a wild time at the bowling alley last night. I bowled six strikes in a row! Unfortunately, all of them were in the next lane.

Thought of the Day

I was having a terrible time with dizziness – so I went to see a spin doctor. He said, “Don’t worry about it... Everything’s gonna be fine!”

Thought of the Day

I was thinking about painting my rec room one time so I went downtown to check out the new paint store. It was all nicely laid out. So I told the owner she had a nice set of cans. That’s about the time I got punched in the mouth.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand gangster rap at all. Sure, I’ve tried listening to these rappers. But I haven’t heard a single one of them mention cannoli.

Thought of the Day

You’ll never believe what I saw yesterday. So I’m not going to tell you.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my science teacher got mad at me once and threw a piece of chalk right at my head. I didn’t report him to the principal though. I called the Yankees about signing him to a contract.

Thought of the Day

I’ve never been a big fan of fishing – particularly having to put a worm on a hook. It always felt like I was interrogating a political prisoner.

Thought of the Day

If the world is spinning about a 1,000 miles an hour then why aren’t we all getting dizzy?

Thought of the Day

Apple has just released its new iPhone – and I was reading that people have been getting burned when it overheats. Being the conscientious firm they are, Apple executives took immediate steps to solve the problem. They went and changed its name to iFurnace.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if the animals on Noah’s Ark ever complained about the lack of internet service.

Thought of the Day

If you haven’t figured out how to get your kids to eat their vegetables, don’t worry. I’m sure they have an app for that.

Thought of the Day

I think balloons have an inflated opinion of themselves.

Thought of the Day

Singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffett died from skin cancer recently at the age of 76. He was obviously very astute, parlaying his one hit “Margaritaville” into a billion dollar empire of restaurants, hotels, casinos, and various food and beverage products. It’s just too bad Jimmy wasn’t smart enough to put on some suntan lotion.

Thought of the Day

I don’t care if ants show up when I’m having a picnic as long as they bring the Lowenbrau.

Thought of the Day

Here’s a helpful tip… If you’re over 45, and your job involves getting dressed up as a cartoon animal at a football game, you might want to slap your high school guidance counselor.

Thought of the Day

I don’t see why anyone in their right mind would want to take part in the running of the bulls in Spain, and risk getting gored to death. Now, if they changed it to the running of the cocker spaniels, my bags are packed!

Thought of the Day

I was reading that you can’t say the word “fat” any more because it’s no longer politically correct. Actually, what you’re supposed to say is “the word formally known as fat.”

Thought of the Day

If you ask me, the NBA could save an awful lot on electricity if they stopped using so many power forwards.

Four Things You Should Never Do, According To Jim Croce

Tug on Superman’s cape
Spit into the wind
Pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger
Hit a tree following takeoff

Thought of the Day

I think it’s okay to put hats and clothes on your dog as long as you’re prepared to get them some decent counseling.

Thought of the Day

I guess you heard all about Australian Tim Shaddock who was lost at sea for nearly three months with his dog Bella, until his boat was rescued by Mexican fishermen. Apparently, all Shaddock had to live on was raw fish – and rainwater. And his orange tabby named Pudding.

Thought of the Day

When sheep have a hard time falling asleep, do they try counting people?

Thought of the Day

Some people can get their dogs to do tricks like roll over or play dead. Not me. I taught my dog how to make potato pancakes with just a hint of oregano.

Thought of the Day

They say that 2023 has been the hottest summer on record. In fact, it’s been so hot that the Devil went into a Baskin-Robbins the other day to order some Mango Tango.

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Thought of the Day

The other day, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s new UFO office announced they have no solid evidence the U.S. has been invaded by extraterrestrials. However, the spokesman did admit they were keeping a close eye on Al Roker.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder what they’d call Little Richard if he weighed over 300 pounds.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole large print book craze is a racket. I bought one the other day, and it only had room for the letter “A.”

Thought of the Day

People always say, “Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.” And there’s a good reason for that. If you try to count them before they’re hatched, they’re called eggs.

Thought of the Day

Last week, my friend Karl and I were out for a few rounds of golf when Karl suddenly cried, “Swan!” I didn’t know what he was talking about - until a ball flew over my head. “What’d you cry ‘swan’ for?” I asked. “I can’t help it,” Karl said. “I’m allergic to duck.”

Five Signs Yoda is About to Make a Career Move

Puts his lightsaber up for sale on eBay
Trades in his robe for a new pair of khakis
Starts referring to Darth Vader as "Oh...that guy!"
Asks Obi-Wan if he can use him as a reference
Tells Frank Oz to get his hand out of his ass

Five Things Found in Art Garfunkel’s Root Cellar

Parsley

Sage
Rosemary
Thyme
Pure grade heroin

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Thought of the Day

They say that honesty is the key to a long successful marriage. And that’s certainly been the case with my grandparents. Over 65 years ago, just before they got married, my grandmother admitted to my grandfather that she was embarrassed about her farting. And my grandfather said, “I always thought that was your cat.”

Thought of the Day

If Cher donated her body to science, I don’t think there’d be anything left to donate. Except maybe false eyelashes and a whole lot of Bondo.

Thought of the Day

I don’t have a freezer anymore. I just didn’t think it was right to put my niblets in suspended animation.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been having trouble with mice in my basement. But fortunately, we were able to work it out over a few beers.

Thought of the Day

People have been trying to find the lost city of Atlantis for centuries. I think if they really want to find Atlantis, they should just start putting pictures of it on the backs of milk cartons.

Thought of the Day

Contrary to public opinion, there is a word out there that rhymes with orange. “Orange.”

Thought of the Day

I think the guy who invented boxing must’ve been a fighter himself. Only someone who’d taken a lot of shots to the head would’ve made a boxing ring that’s square.

Thought of the Day

You just can’t trust mechanics anymore. I went to the garage the other day to get my brakes replaced. Unfortunately, they went and replaced them with Sammy Hagar.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that shark attacks in the States have gone up over 300% in the past year. But that isn’t the surprising part. Turns out, 30% of those attacks took place at Red Lobster.

Thought of the Day

It’s not easy being green. That’s why all bananas aspire to be yellow.

Thought of the Day

I don’t envy the guy who had to sculpt the four presidents on Mount Rushmore. Talk about your stressful jobs! You’d have to drive two miles away just to see if you got Lincoln’s nose right.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder who’d be the first one to die on Gilligan’s Island – if they had to resort to cannibalism.

Thought of the Day

I’m never going to an oyster bar again. I went to one the other day and three oysters tried to pick me up.

Thought of the Day

I’m not sure what my dad did for a living. But I think he was a librarian. When we were growing up, all he ever did was tell us to keep quiet.

Thought of the Day

Most people don’t have anything prophetic to say when they die. Take my great-uncle Julius for instance. If I remember correctly, his last words were: “These mushrooms taste a little off.”

A Short Disclaimer

Here at The Scarecrow Report, we would like to deeply and sincerely apologize for the coarse language and adult subject matter in our last post. We always make it a point to keep offensive material to a minimum. And by minimum, we mean quite a lot, really. 

 

So in the future, Mrs. Ruth Eppings of Newcastle, Ontario—yes, yes, we heard you—please keep an open mind about such things and remember that denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Beaver Gets Downsized

scene: The family room in the Cleaver household. The room is empty with the exception of Ward Cleaver who is leaning back in his easy chair, pipe at his side, intently leafing through a magazine called Leather Bondage Boys. Beaver comes in the front door and Ward jumps before throwing his magazine behind the chair. 

 

beaver: Hi, Dad! 

 

ward: Oh. Uh, hi, Beaver. 

 

beaver: Hey, guess what? We just had a test today—I got an A in personal hygiene! Isn’t that keen? 

 

ward: Uh, Beaver, I think you’d better sit down. We need to talk... (June enters.) 

 

june: Oh, uh, hi, Beaver. 

 

beaver: (sits) Say, why’s everybody so gloomy all of a sudden? Is it about that squirrel I flushed down the toilet? I can explain. Honest! 

 

ward: No, no. Beaver, your mother and I have been doing a lot of thinking. We’ve been grading your performance lately and you see, well...we’re going to let you go

 

beaver: What?! 

 

june: Sorry, Beaver. We just needed a son that’s more... reasonable. 

 

ward: Yes, where is that boy? (Calling.) Oh, Son! (Eddie Haskell enters the room with a big dopey look on his face. He throws himself on the couch, arms behind his head.) 

 

eddie: Howdy, folks! (to Beaver) Heya, squirt! You still here? 

 

beaver: I don’t believe this! 

 

eddie: Well, get used to it, TV-boy. (Turns to June.) Why, that’s a very nice sweater, Mrs. Cleaver. 

 

june: Why thank you, Eddie... But please, you’re family now. Call me Mommy. 

 

eddie: (smiling) Oooh, Mommy...I think I need a spanking. I’ve been bad... 

 

beaver: Hey! Don’t say that to my mother! 

 

eddie: Aw, whatta you want from me? Your mom’s a nice piece of ass. 

 

june: (running her hand up Eddie’s arm, a little suggestively) Oh, Ward, isn’t he cute? 

 

beaver: This isn’t fair! How can you pick that creep over me?! 

 

ward: Now, now, Beaver. This is all for your own good. You know if you’d only given your mother those sponge baths like she’d asked, this never would’ve happened. 

 

beaver: Yeah but gee. I didn’t want to feel all funny and stuff..

 

june: Oh, c’mon Beaver. They do stuff like that on the internet all the time. 

 

beaver: Mom, this is the Fifties! The internet hasn’t even been invented yet! 

 

june: Oh, you shut up. (Wally suddenly enters the room carrying a milk crate full of clothes and football pennants.) 

 

beaver: Wally! Hey, Wally! What are you doing?! 

 

wally: (bitter) Just got my walking papers, Beave. 

 

beaver: What?! Not you too! 

 

wally: Yeah. I got traded to the Hendersons for a case of Yoo-Hoo and a fourth round draft pick. 

 

ward: (low) Third round. 

 

wally: Fascist! 

 

beaver: Wally, don’t go...we can beat this...we can get Lumpy and– 

 

wally: (irked, heads for the front door) Get used to it, Beave. This isn’t Mayfield anymore. This is fucking Stalingrad! (Exits.) 

 

eddie: And good riddance. 

 

wally: (off in the distance) Asshole! 

 

ward: (points pipe) Now Beaver, we’ll give you an hour to clear out your things. Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll find work. I hear they could use a few extras over on Father Knows Best. 

 

beaver: (raving, pointing his finger) This is bullshit...you can’t do this to me! I’m the star of this fucking puppet show! You’ll pay for this—mark my words! You haven’t seen the last of me yet! No sir...I’ll tell my friends! I’ll tell my lawyer! I’ll tell the world! (Beaver exits. Seconds later, he returns.) 

 

ward: (points) Your room is that way, Beaver. 

 

beaver: And another thing. Fuck you! Fuck you—and the horse you rode in on! (Leaves again.) 

 

ward: (pauses, finally) Eddie, go give the Beaver a little...severance pay. (Eddie gets up, cracks his knuckles. Ward grabs Eddie’s sweater to stop him.) Go easy on the kneecaps. (Eddie follows. June comes to Ward’s side.)j

 

une: Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver. I think he might do something. You know, he’s still got that German machine gun collection of his. 

 

ward: Oh, I don’t think so dear. (Ward opens an envelope and pulls out a few photos. He looks one up and down.) You see, the Beaver has a way with little girls. And so will People Magazine. 

 

(Dramatic music. Fade out.) 

 

FINI.

Gone Fishin'

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why historians always talk about “Custer’s Last Stand.” I’d much rather hear about Custer’s Second To Last Stand.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been feeling so bitter lately, I think I’m going to put my inner child up for adoption.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Iron Man ever thought about suing The Man of Steel for copyright infringement.

Thought of the Day

I think this whole politically correct thing is getting out of hand. I just read that Disney is working on an updated version of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” now. It’s called “Snow White and the Seven Men of A Certain Height.”

Thought of the Day

I stopped at a bakery last week, and the sign said, “We make the best apple pies in the world.” So I bought one. But when I got it home, the pie was all gummy and undercooked. I took it back to the owner. “This thing is terrible!” I said. “I thought you make the best pies in the world.” The man just shrugged. “I was talking about the planet Neptune,” he said.

Thought of the Day

If Olive Oyl had a wardrobe malfunction, how would you know?

Thought of the Day

I don’t know if sand traps are really necessary on a golf course. But they sure catch a lot of sand.

Thought of the Day

 My friend Karl got a Lamborghini the other day. Fortunately, it isn’t contagious.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, my parents tried to save money once by hiring a blind clown named “Chuckles” to entertain at my birthday party. It sounded like a good idea at first. But the only balloon animal Chuckles could do was a snake.

Thought of the Day

I worked in the lost and found department at Kmart once – but it got old really fast. All the employees kept dropping in looking for their self-respect.

Thought of the Day

I met a werewolf at a party the other day and asked him what his name was. He said, “Harry.” “Of course, you are,” I said.

Thought of the Day

My Venus flytrap is a bit of a picky eater. He won’t catch any flies unless they’ve been dipped in Grey Poupon.

Thought of the Day

I don’t know why people feel so compelled to wear a Fitbit to monitor how much exercise they’re doing. I’ve got an UnFitbit. It’s just like a Fitbit – except it tells me how much exercise I’m not doing.

Thought of the Day

When I get on an airplane, I don’t need the flight attendants to tell me when lunch is being served. I just need to know where I can set up my hibachi.

Thought of the Day

Last night, the traffic was so bad getting to the movies – I was beside myself. Unfortunately, that meant I had to pay double to get in the show.

Thought of the Day

People tell me it was a waste of time graduating with a degree in micromanagement. I thought it was pretty rewarding myself. Can’t say I was thrilled with my diploma though. You can only see it with a microscope.

Thought of the Day

Bugs Bunny is the only cartoon character I know who can make it look fun to be a transvestite.

Thought of the Day

My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere. So last week I took her down to the post office and mailed her to Florida.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Jesus was cheesed off when he rose from the dead and discovered everyone was just sitting around eating chocolate Easter eggs.

Thought of the Day

Dogs just aren’t that smart. Here – I’ll give you an example. The other day, I asked my dog what he thought of The Godfather movies. He said he liked Pacino but thought Coppola was highly overrated.

Thought of the Day

If “ifs and buts” were “candies and nuts,” the world would be a very strange place.

Thought of the Day

I’ve been looking all over the place for a good pair of gardening hoes. Lucky for me I found them on the corner.

Thought of the Day

I often wonder why Pete Best was kicked out of The Beatles. I mean, if you’re looking for the best drummer out there, you can’t do any better than that.

Thought of the Day

If someone burned down a banjo factory, I wouldn’t consider that a crime. I’d call that a public service.

Thought of the Day

What does Harry Belafonte like on his egg salad sandwich? MAY-O! MAAAY-O!

Thought of the Day

I don’t think I could handle being the Pope. Oh, I wouldn’t mind celebrating Mass, and spreading the word of God and all that. I’d just hate having to take off eight layers before I could take a dump.

Thought of the Day

I think anyone wearing socks and sandals is just trying to tell the world, “I’m not really concerned with getting laid.”

Thought of the Day

I thought about stopping to pick up a hitchhiker once. But then I thought, what if the guy’s just trying to tell me he likes my driving?

Thought of the Day

I often wonder if the guy who invented Crazy Glue actually had a serious mental illness.

Thought of the Day

I’m sure I could win a gold medal – if the Olympics ever added an event for channel surfing.

Thought of the Day

My cousin Phil has always been crazy about club sandwiches. You might think that’s no big deal – but Phil’s kids would beg to differ. He named them “Bacon,” “Lettuce” and “Tomato.”

Thought of the Day

I wonder if male ladybugs ever question their masculinity.

Thought of the Day

Kyle Dubas – the general manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs – is always looking for ways to improve his team on the ice. And I guess he must take that same approach at home. I just read he traded his wife for future considerations.

Thought of the Day

There was a pretty slim turnout at our book club meeting this month. In retrospect, maybe we should’ve given it a little more thought before we went and picked The Suicide Diaries.

Thought of the Day

Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon never did have any luck finding the fabled “Fountain of Youth.” But I’m sure, when he got back home, he threw on some Grecian Formula just to screw with his buddies.

Thought of the Day

I don’t have a problem with using needle nose pliers. I just don’t understand why they went and named them after a Dick Tracy character.

Thought of the Day

I can see why they call it “Wonder Bread.” Every time I’m eating some, I wonder why the hell I bought it.

Thought of the Day

I took a first aid course last summer and ended up really making the moves on this hot new chick there. Too bad her name was Resusci Annie.

Thought of the Day

My dog always gets pissed off when I put on my Cat Stevens records.

Thought of the Day

If The Amazing Kreskin and I went shopping, and he forgot where he’d parked the car, that would be totally unacceptable.

Thought of the Day

I don’t have an axe to grind. I’ve got a hatchet. It’s much easier to carry around.

Thought of the Day

Is it just me or wouldn’t “The Rock” be a perfect spokesman for Cialis?

Thought of the Day

I think Simon Le Bon should be ashamed of himself for coming up with a name like “Duran Duran.” All he’s doing is making life difficult for stutterers.

Thought of the Day

I got on the bus the other day and sat down next to an old guy doing a crossword puzzle. “Hey, Mack,” he said, “this one’s got me stumped. What’s a five letter word for aquariums?” “Tanks,” I said. The old guy just smiled at me and said, “You’re welcome!” I went and found another seat.

Thought of the Day

My friend Karl is always looking for ways to save money. One time, instead of buying his girlfriend an engagement ring, he bought her a giant foam hand that said: “You’re Number One!” I guess she wasn’t too thrilled about it. Karl spent that winter in the hospital.

Thought of the Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but nobody loves you. Not even your cat.

Thought of the Day

I think cows would make a lot more purchases if they had a decent place to keep their wallet.

Thought of the Day

Why does Batman always talk like he needs a lozenge? You’d think “Bruce Wayne” could afford a Halls once in a while.

Thought of the Day

When I was a kid, we went out camping with my Aunt Gertrude once. I remember it well because my aunt actually died of spontaneous combustion. We were all pretty devastated at the time. That is, until we realized Aunt Gertrude was a great way to get the fire started.

Thought of the Day

Dolphins may be one of the most intelligent creatures in the world. But they still have a hard time trying to figure out why Adrian Zmed got the hosting gig on Dance Fever.

Thought of the Day

I know people love their bologna. But olive loaf has that certain je ne sais quoi.

Thought of the Day

I guess you heard all about the death of one-time Eight Is Enough star Adam Rich. I wasn’t too broke up about it myself. I was just disappointed it wasn’t Willie Ames.

Thought of the Day

I wonder if Sting is still looking for his last name in the dip.

 

Thought of the Day

I hear Spiderman just got arrested for sexual assault. Apparently it wasn’t just his Spider-Sense that was tingling.

Thought of the Day

When you take swimming lessons, there are only two types of student. Star pupil and body at the bottom of the pool.

Thought of the Day

If Stevie Wonder was taking his driver’s test, and the examiner asked him to check his blind spot, how would he know where to look?

Thought of the Day

People always carry a rabbit’s foot around with them for good luck. But I hardly think that’s good luck for the rabbit.

Thought of the Day

I was at a party the other day and ended up talking to a laughing hyena. I tried telling him a few jokes but couldn’t even get a smile out of him. “How come you’re not laughing?” I asked. He just went back to drinking his Fresca. “It’s my day off,” he said.

Thought of the Day

I think if you’ve got a spring in your step, you might want to see a podiatrist.

Thought of the Day

I’m not allergic to peanut butter. But I am allergic to jam. I’ve got an EpiPen just for boysenberry.

Thought of the Day

They say that drinking coffee is a good way to stunt your growth. I can think of an even better way. Cyanide.

Thought of the Day

You’re supposed to make a wish when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. My wish actually came true once! I wished that everyone at the table would catch influenza.

Thought of the Day

I was reading that a 29-year-old woman has been charged for posing as a teenager at a New Jersey high school. I don’t know what kind of jail time she’s looking at. But I’d think going to high school would be punishment enough.

Thought of the Day

Back in my car selling days, one of my first customers was a circus clown. This guy had his heart set on a little green coupe we had on the lot. I tried my damnedest to upsell him from a two-door to a nice four-door sedan. But he wasn’t interested. All he really wanted was a little legroom for his wife. And his 38 friends.

Thought of the Day

I’ve always wondered why Hershey’s called its candy bar – Almond Joy. I guess “Almond Louise” just didn’t catch on.

Thought of the Day

I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to be associated with the Communist Party. I love a party as much as the next guy.

Thought of the Day

I just read a new study that says 70% of husbands feel they’re getting enough sex. Unfortunately, 65% of wives wonder why their husbands keep getting calls from a girl named “Ruby.”

Thought of the Day

I went to the zoo the other day to check out some of the world’s most endangered creatures. And I must've spent an hour waiting to see the most popular exhibit. It’s a guy who still has iPhone 7.

Thought of the Day

If we use ranch dressing in the city, what kind of dressing do they use out in the country?

Thought of the Day

My great-uncle Eugene was a real visionary. You might not have heard his name before. But he was the first man to use chicken wire to fence in goats.

Thought of the Day

I think buying a trampoline for a kangaroo would be a complete waste of time.

Thought of the Day

The other day, my grandpa told me he wanted to be buried at sea. I said, “There’s no dirt out at sea. So technically we wouldn’t be burying you. We’d just be throwing you overboard.” He said, “You’re out of the will.”

Thought of the Day

I’ve noticed when an airliner crashes, the only thing that seems to survive is the black box. That’s why, the next time I book a flight, I’m going to make sure I reserve a seat in the black box section.

Thought of the Day

When the Indians used to send smoke signals out in the desert, I wonder if they were just trying to place an order at Dairy Queen.

Thought of the Day

I had a date with destiny the other day. Unfortunately, she left me with the cheque.

Thought of the Day

Here’s something few people know… During World War II, Adolf Hitler had a little terrier named Mr. Giggles. Mr. Giggles was said to be the love of Hitler’s life, and they often took long walks together through the parks of Berlin. By all accounts, their affection for one another was a wonder to see. Sadly, Mr. Giggles had trouble catching a Frisbee. So Hitler had him executed by firing squad.

Thought of the Day

Some people have their own greenhouse – not me. I have a magenta house. There’s only one problem though. It confuses the hell out of my begonias.

Thought of the Day

Before cheese makers get their diploma, do they have to learn how to cut the cheese?

Thought of the Day

If “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is all about anti-commercialism, then why do they always sell it at stores?

Thought of the Day

I know they say a dog is man’s best friend. But I think my dog is taking things a little bit too far. Last week, he wanted me to help him break out of prison.

Thought of the Day

There’s been so much crime in my neighbourhood lately, I went and bought a Superman signal watch. I couldn’t afford a real one so I picked up a cheap knock-off from Korea. I guess I should’ve known better. The only thing my watch can do is call Jimmy Olsen.

Thought of the Day

I went to the doctor’s the other day and he said, “Looks like you’ve got the big C.” I said, “What? Cobbler??” He told me to get out.

Thought of the Day

I think they should bring back public stonings. Not that I’m a fan of capital punishment or anything. I just think it’d be a good way to get an aerobic workout.