scene
one: The Professor wanders
into the clearing, sweat running from his brow in the stifling heat. The
Skipper is seated alone at a table and looks over as he appears. The Professor
sets down his binoculars and pauses to take a long drink from his canteen.
skipper:
(concerned)
Well...
professor: Bad news, Skipper.
I’m afraid my calculations were correct. This severe drought has destroyed all
the edible plant life.
skipper:
Oh no!
professor:
To make
matters worse, the fish have migrated away from the island, and the lack of
food has driven off the remaining wildlife.
skipper: What do we do,
Professor?
professor: Well, I’m afraid...we
have only one option...
skipper: Okay. What’s that?
professor: (pause)
Cannibalism.
skipper: Professor! You can’t
be serious!
professor:
Unfortunately,
it’s either that or starvation. Now let’s look at this rationally... I’m
indispensable with my knowledge. Mary Ann does all the cooking so we can’t eat
her.
skipper:
Ginger’s
easy on the eyes.
professor: Yes. And we can’t eat
you, Skipper...
skipper: Why not?!
professor: You’re too fat.
All those carbohydrates.
skipper: Fat?! Why, you
bookworm! I’ll have you know this is one hundred per cent muscle!
professor:
Yes, yes.
And tell me again...why’ve you been wearing the same clothes for the last
twenty years?
skipper: They’re all I’ve got!
Besides, I don’t have a boatload of clothes like the Howells. Why they brought
that much for a three-hour tour is beyond me...
professor: Look. This is
pointless. Let’s get back to the issue at hand.
skipper: Okay. Let’s
see...you, me and the girls are out. So that still leaves- (The two of them
exchange glances.) Gilligan! (Gilligan runs into the clearing and skids
into place beside them.)
gilligan: Yes, Skipper!
skipper
& professor:
(in unison, shaking their heads) Too thin.
gilligan: What’s going on?
skipper: Little buddy, if you
must know, we’re talking about cannibalism. We’re all out of food for God’s
sake!
gilligan: (rubs his chin)
Why don’t we just eat the next person who lands on the island? Someone always
does. Then we can get rescued, too!
professor: First of all, we never
get rescued. And secondly, I checked the script. No guest star this week.
skipper:
Well,
that only leaves the Howells. They never do anything...except take up space...
professor: Then that settles it.
gilligan: C’mon. We’re not
really gonna eat the Howells, are we?
skipper:
No,
little buddy. (Long pause.) Not raw anyways.
professor: We’ll have them
cooked with a nice white wine sauce! We better start making plans. Now,
Gilligan, you get Mary Ann and Ginger...
gilligan:
What are
you talking about? This is a family show!
skipper: (hits Gilligan with his cap) Gilligan! Shut up and bring the girls here
already!
ginger: (appearing from
the bushes with Mary Ann) That’s okay, Skipper. We heard all about your
plan...
professor: So...you’re not
against it—are you girls?
mary
ann: Oh,
no! We just brought the Mrs. Dash.
skipper:
Great!
Let’s go get ‘em!
scene
two: The
five castaways are hiding in the jungle outside The Howell’s hut. They shuffle
carefully among the bushes, trying to get a better look.
professor: (checking list)
Now, let’s see...knives, forks, A-1...
mary
ann: (staring)
Ginger. What’s with the low cut bathing suit?
ginger: Simple. I thought I'd get a little necking in with Howell before we deep fry him. God...I
haven’t had it in years—fucking censors! I’d kill
for a double-decker manwich with a little Ginger on top...
mary
ann:
Slut! Somebody put the hose on her before I scratch her eyes out-!
skipper: Quiet you two, before
I eat you both.
ginger: Really? (Cries.)
Me first! Me first!
professor: (lowly) Shh!
Now, look. We’ll just go in and tell the Howells what we have to do. Yes, they
might beg...or try giving us money. But we can’t spend it on the island
anyways. Now let’s go...Skipper’s getting ravenous...
gilligan:
Ravenous?
But I don’t see any feathers...
skipper: (hitting him with
cap) Gilligan, remind me to kill you later...c’mon! (They all start
moving.)
scene
three: The
five of them enter the Howell’s hut and pause, staring at the scene before
them. Under the flicker of torchlight, Mr. Howell is sitting at a table
enjoying a sumptuous meal of dry leaves, bamboo twigs, and his dead wife,
Lovey.
gilligan:
(gasps)
Oh my God!
professor:
He’s
eating her uncooked!
skipper: And he didn’t even
invite us!
mr.
howell: (between
mouthfuls) Look, she’s my wife and I can eat her if I please! (The
Skipper steps behind him, glowering.)
skipper:
Oh, really...
How’d you like to be an after dinner mint, Howell?
mr.
howell: (puts
napkin to his mouth) Ah...well. (Clearing his throat, laughs nervously.)
In that case... Do pull up a chair, Captain. White meat or dark?
